Watch out for news!
if the new round immigration policy debate?
kiwi's demand to bring their brides.
How many kiwi's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?
You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!
Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie.
A woman whose hair is blond decides she just can't take it anymore. She's tired of all the blond jokes: the advantages of being blond are vastly outweighed by having to listen to all the blond jokes. So one night she dyes her hair black. She goes into work the next day and doesn't hear a single blond joke. Okay, so her hair is black: she's too happy to care, because she thinks she'll never have to hear another blond joke in her life.
She drives home from work in a rural area and sees a sheep crossing the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a herd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a herd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing the road, and the shepherd comes along and waves to her and thanks her for stopping to wait for the sheep.
"You sure have a lot of sheep there," she says. "I know, it's very difficult to keep track of them all," the shepherd says. "If I tell you how many sheep you have, would you give me one?" she asks. "Sure, if you guess correctly, I'll give you one," he agrees. "You have 227 sheep," says the woman.
The shepherd is suitably impressed, and tells her to go ahead and pick one out and take it with her. So she picks out a sheep and puts it in the back of her car. As she's preparing to leave, the shepherd knocks on her window. She rolls the window down and he says, "If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
A ventirloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.
Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Rancher: This dog don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?
Dog: I'm Doing alright
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
Dog: Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the
lake once a week to play.
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Rancher: Horses don't talk!
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: Not bad.
Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)
Horse: Yep.
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down
often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
Rancher: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!
Why do so many Welshmen marry English women?
Because sheep can't fetch beer from the fridge.
A Kiwi, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful soft clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young woman was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red soft clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear%u2026
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'.
A Kiwi buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The Kiwi doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."
Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary living with a tribe of black natives.
One day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and that since the missionary's the only white man for thousands of miles, the missionary will be the "main course" at dinner that night.
"Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain, chief," says the Missionary. "You're jumping to conclusions here. Let me tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and how there's one black one amongst them."
The Chief thinks for a moment. "OK!" says the Chief, "You say nothing, I say nothing."
A Kiwi went to visit his friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his sheep.
He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest sheep I've ever seen
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
A looney escapes the assylum, rapes a laundry worker and then does a runner.
Headlines;
Nut screws washer and bolts.
The Revised Miranda Rights
1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!
1. You have the rights to an @$$-kicking.
2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the @$$-kicking.
3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.
You are under arrest and....
1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in any ethnic group/race).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________
According to the police, if you hold your purse by the strap and under your arm, nothing will ever happen to you.........Unless your name happens to be Bruce.
How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs???
None. He fell.
How many L.A. cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six. One to do it and 5 to smash the old bulb to smithereens
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but he's never around when you need him.
I was in the city yesterday when a young fellow ran up to me up to me and said, "Hey mate you seen any cops around here?"
I said, "No mate what's up?"
He said, "Nothing........Stick 'em up! Hand over your wallet"
The officer reported to the watch commander about having no luck with the witness.
"Did you browbeat him, yell at him, and ask him every question you could come up with?" asked the watch commander.
"I certainly did."
"And"?
"And he said, 'Yes dear you're right dear, anything you say dear,' and dozed off!"
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratches out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking and gives the head a gentle kick and writes....
"Head on nature strip."
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman in the Australian Army, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Who's Mr. Gorsky
> IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA, ON JULY
> 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG
> WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
>
> HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR
> MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY
> MILLIONS.*
>
> BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK
> - "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".
>
> MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME
> RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY
> IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
> OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE -
> 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
> ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
> FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO
> ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
> MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE
> QUESTION.
>
> IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS
> PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE
> BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. HIS
> NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE
> BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY "SEX!
> YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON
> !"
>
> TRUE STORY. It broke the place up.
A tourist enters a tavern in Scotland, the only other man in the bar sides up to him and says "you see that stone wall over there? I built it with me own two hands, do they call me McGregor the wall builder? NO!"
Then he says, "You see that pier out there on the loch? built it with me own two hands, do they call me McGregor the pier builder? NO!"
He takes a sip of his whiskey, sighs and mumbles, " but you f@#k one sheep....
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
At a Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
Sign on another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
How to start a fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50kph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Centre Link office to apply
for a pension.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience . She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself.
Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get a$$holes until they're married.
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blOwjOb.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her t!ts went.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Life in the Australian Army...
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and “Americanize” their names.
Bu, called himself “Buck.”
Chu called himself “Chuck.”
Fu decided to return to China.
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect
you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes
away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is
untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you
tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he
disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't
shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but
I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in
charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the
Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by
the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of
sand and yells...
"Supplies!!"
Not so much a joke but a bad faux pas
Have outlaws looking after kiddies during school holidays at our place.
Whilst watching doco on SBS an ad for US political debate comes on screen and Nanna announces
"I dont think that Dick Romney will get in....."
cue much laughter....
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a 24-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang'and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening.
Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave.
The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?"
The guy replies "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe."
So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall leprechaun out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three-inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a coin down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor an a**hole."
