A Fella walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up."
He gets the Fella a tall mug of coffee......
The Fella drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere And then just walks out.
The next morning the fella returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to The waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The fella smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in RUDD'S Parliament:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave the **** for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."
At a family BBQ to meet my girlfriends parents !!
After a few beers her father turned to me with a serious tone 
and says
Do you know that my daughter has acute angina 
I know i said and shes got a great set of tits too 
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family".
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
12 Italian Priests
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while sexy,beautiful,
big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up...
and all the other bells started to ring!!!
Some interesting observations on the Taliban by that great American philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy.
"You May Be A Taliban If..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
11. Your cousin is president of the United States .
Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days..........
"When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store
with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread,
three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.
You can't do that now.
Too many ****in' security cameras."
TRUE STORY FROM NORTH CAROLINA.
At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces,
"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar."
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of
Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."
The Pope was having a shower.
Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal wrist',
and this happened to be one of those occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.
'Hold on a minute!', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'
'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'
So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of
2,000,000 Euros.
The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.
Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.
Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did
it cost you?'
Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...'
'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. ' - They must have seen you coming!'
Kids Are Quick
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication
on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you
know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly
the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old
man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood
there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a
young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whisky in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did
dance. Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off--
started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was
laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very
slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the
large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he
quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's arse?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always
wanted to."
*There are a few lessons for us all here:*
*Never be arrogant.*
*Don't waste ammunition.*
*Whisky makes you think you're smarter than you are.*
*Always, always make sure you know who has the power.*
*Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid. *
Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week,
and recently got my Daughter an iPod for hers,
was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day.
Got my wife an iRon for her Birthday,
it was around then the fight started......
Circumcised (this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room . She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
KIDS ; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE 'EM!
One afternoon a Freo supporter was riding in his Kombi van through City Beach when he saw two wet toast eagles supporters eating the grass along the roadside.
Disturbed, he stopped and got out to investigate. He then asked, "Why are you eating grass?"
"Times are tough and we don't have any money for food," the slime supporter replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Freo supporter offered.
"But, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under the tree."
"Bring them along," and turning to the other egurls supporter he said, "You can come as well."
In a pitiful voice the second said "But, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Don't worry! Bring them as well, all are welcome".
They all jumped in the Kombi, and once under way, one of the burnt toast supporters turned to the Freo supporter and said, "Mate, you are too kind.. thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The Freo supporter, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place...
"The grass is almost three foot high" 
APOLOGIES IF THIS HAS GONE BEFORE -
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
*No, I think you have the wrong number.........
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I 'ave some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: "De wrong feet! You got dem on de wrong feet!"
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan’s flat in Dungarvan when Sean O’Toole loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, “Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Sean’s wife. Who will it be?”
They draw straws.
Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet? I’m the most discreet Irishman you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me,” announces Cavan.
He goes over to O’Toole’s house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O’Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares, “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!” snarls Brenda.
“I’ll go tell him,” says Cavan.
Latest Special Dinner Pack at Red Rooster.
It is called the Gillard Gut Filler.
It consists of two small breasts, two large thighs and a red box and if you swallow it you get $20.
A Happy Day!
If you ever need cheering up ... watch your wedding video backwards.
The night starts with you getting a root,
then you have a great time and sober up without a hangover.
You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back down the aisle,
jump in the car and f..k off with your mates!!
During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the liquor store.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
>> director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had
>> no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
>> cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with
>> the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop
>> for directions.
>>
>>
>> I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
>> gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
>> diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and
>> apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the
>> grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
>> didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
>>
>> The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
>> played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and
>> friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless
>> man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
>> They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
>>
>> When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
>> Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to
>> my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like
>> that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
>>
>> Apparently I'm still lost..[}:)]
While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard, and her being our prime minister.
The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Julia is just a Post Tortoise."
Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, 'What's a "Post Tortoise?"
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she's up there, she sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb bastard put her up there in the first place."
I know this is not a joke but it needs to be there for others to read....(sent to me as an email)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Something to keep in mind"
Written by a 90 year old
This is something we should all read
at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next
small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come..
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Bloke is standing at a pedestrian crossing next to a blind dude and his dog waiting for the light to go green when the dog sees a cat on the far side of the road and takes off. Being a quick thinker he grabs the blind man by the collar and he and the dog are saved from the traffic.
Whilst thanking him the blind guy reaches into his pocket and gets out a biscuit for the dog.
" Mate, what are ya doin?" he says,"The bastard near killed ya!"
" She'll be right" he answers, " Just trying to find his head so I can kick his arse!"
Royal Navy
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got
increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles
had retired to their room at the palace.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes
darling, ones feet are killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour
But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?'Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just
so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla
exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,
'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to
remove the other shoe when he cried out
'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:
'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
[}:)][}:)]
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three?"
"Four,"answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack!"
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for £44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get £58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is £11, and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...
The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people,
Mary or Jack. It was a tough decision because they were both decent
workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used
the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in that day with a horrible hangover after partying all night...
She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before but I
either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like **** this morning".
There are two statues in a park, one of a naked man and one of a naked woman. a genie happened to be strolling past (as they do), and though of how boring their life must be a decided to grant them a wish.
The 2 statues decide they would like to be human for just a little while.
"ok" says the genie "but only for 5 minutes ok...
So "WOOSH" and both statues are suddenly transformed to flesh and bone and the genie watches as they run off, hand in hand to some nearby bushes....
For the next 5 minutes theres alot of rustling and shaking going on in the bushes as well as a bit of giggling........
They return from the bushes with big smiles and ask the genie "can we have just 5 more minutes pleaseeeee?"
He reluctantly agrees to this, and as they wander back to the bushes he hears the man say to the woman...................................
"This time you hold the pigeon down while i sh!t on it!"
