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Forums > General Discussion   Shooting the breeze...

farts???

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Created by big gill > 9 months ago, 26 May 2007
big gill
WA, 649 posts
26 May 2007 6:14PM
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speakin of farts in the other topic, where/when has been ya most embarrasing time u farted?????????????????????????????????

elmo
WA, 8768 posts
26 May 2007 6:54PM
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A crowded elevator

best fun though is laying landmine farts in shopping centre isles

gazza
WA, 647 posts
26 May 2007 10:32PM
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Gotta love the shopping aisle fart, it must be silent and of the highest quality egg smell.

Best performed as a walk through in a busy aisle.

As confidence grows you can perform this fart in a tv shop.

Timing is crucial just as you see a customer and a sales man approaching let the fart go but you must let it escape from you pants so it dosent follow you and they get maximum effect,
thats the crucial part
next just stand back from a distance and watch with joy as you watch him try to seal the deal, knowing the fart bubble they are standing in.

digital
WA, 291 posts
26 May 2007 10:47PM
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seems like you lot do a bit of cupping

elmo
WA, 8768 posts
27 May 2007 10:01AM
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quote:
Originally posted by digital

seems like you lot do a bit of cupping



A good fart doesn't need Cupping.

A good fart needs the skill of being able to walk away from it without the stench slipstreaming you

digital
WA, 291 posts
27 May 2007 11:22AM
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the master farter

ever thought of harnessing this eye watering , dry reaching liquid vapour into a jar with the elmo sticker on it ?
the sales on elmo franchised accessories is huge .

i can imagine the looks on all the kids faces around the world when they open one of these jars at xmass time .

you could label the jars " elmo`s xmass pudding " or
" elmo`s last supper "

you could sponsor big brother and stock the shelves in the house .

just wandering , elmo and gazza , what does your missus thinks when you present her with wet jocks in the washing basket ??

NotWal
QLD, 7428 posts
27 May 2007 1:39PM
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Is wind. Is good.

Greenroom
WA, 7608 posts
27 May 2007 2:54PM
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quote:
Originally posted by digital

You could label the jars " elmo`s xmas pudding " or
" elmo`s last supper "


The jar with the xmas pudding fart could contain some follow through...
And the last supper could really be Elmo's latest supper?

elmo
WA, 8768 posts
27 May 2007 6:50PM
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I specialize in Roast Onion

BoDiddly
VIC, 622 posts
28 May 2007 11:55AM
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I had a nasty ass woman working in my office last year, every now and then a mate would come over and ask 'dude, did you do that?' and I'm like, if I did I'd claim it but no, and the only person around was her! NASTY! she never even made a sound... damn nasty stench tho!

MintoxGT
WA, 975 posts
28 May 2007 12:06PM
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Uh oh! another JPPF, peuwww!

Scuse me

Cheers

manicskier
VIC, 772 posts
28 May 2007 11:36PM
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quote:
Originally posted by elmo

A crowded elevator

best fun though is laying landmine farts in shopping centre isles



Its better in a crowded kids ski school check-in room, lots of parents and kids, where it is termed 'crop dusting'... wander in drop the payload, and get out it was hilarious

MintoxGT
WA, 975 posts
29 May 2007 9:59AM
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Nice work people, keep itup.

I have a bit of a horror story but it ended unusally but not to bad.

Embarrasment on it's way but it's for the good!

I was a chauffuer, working for the Sheraton many moons ago, I had to wear this Gestapo type of uniform with jodpers (Like what the motor cycle cops wear and a 10 button grandfather collar type jacket) Yepp I looked quite the tool.

Anyway while crusing through Dalkeith, Peppy grove and Mosman Park with some ladies who had been out for dinner and were lets say not short of being quite tasty.

I had this urge to fart, I had these chicks in the limo for about 45 mins, it was around 10pm and I had been eating Sheraton canteen food and was comming to the end of a 14 hr day. My stomach starts rumbling and I can freakin hear it, then I feel the shift of matter from my mid torso down and start thinking when was the last time I crapped? 10 mins go by and more rumblings, my gut starts to ache, Im getting worried, so I nervously turn to the ladies and say "shall we head home now?" they reply "Oh look we have 10 mins left can we go by the beach?"

Ahhh crap! so off we go, We get to the beach (Cottesloe) and I let these stunners out who are all giggly and happy and I say why dont you go over there and look at the ocean, please dont be long as I have an other job to get to. They oblige why I play the bugle arsed fart of the century, only problem was I had allowed movment and the ladies were cold and wanted to go home now.

Picture me smilling, opening the door and chatting whist clenching my arse cheeks harder that Jane Fonda and Richard Simonds combined. I get the ladies home but I am in pain now, looking back being polite and saying goodbye as I get into the limo to drive off, I try to squeeze off a releif fart..... Bad move!! as I felt the first nugget slip through "Ohh no where the f&*k will I crap this time of night????

As I go down past the river I think stuff it there is a park, it is a bit close to the road but I need a crap. I park the car, lights on motor running and take baby steps to the tree trying to keep the nugget in it's holding pattern.

As I start to drop my strides and squat down I loose balance, fall back against the tree and power **** exactly between my boots and its rising fast but I cant stop, farting and ****ting I spread my stance and avoid the toppling turd touching my shoes and finish the job.

Now I am in a park in a posh suburb dressed like Freddie Mercuries driver with my jodpers around my knees and a hot steaming turd threatening to make my delima a whole lot worse. I fart some more and feel confident that I can stand up and neaten myself up, you all know that you stand but slightly lean forward so you dont squeeze your arse cheeks together and smear sh1t, Dont you??

In the stress of the moment I failed to grap a rag that I used to clean the windscreen, so with my pants around my ankles, a turd between my legs and the limo 20 meters away ideling I remove my boots, pants and jocks and proceed to wipe my arse with my only item of clothing that I can sacrifice, my Reg Grundies

As I wipe my arse very effeciently as I reckond I only would have 2 chances to get the lot, an older couple walking a nosey little dog notice the limo with no one in it and start looking around, I have shuffled around the back of the tree to fininsh the wipe, grab my strides and bolt towarads the water in the shadow of the tree as they thankfully head in the opposite direction, I calmly walk down the road get into the limo and head off hoping that no poor bugger finds my undies ontop of my turd and head towards my last job of the night free ballin.

That was a very stressfull moment in my farting carreer

Regards GT oops I mean my name is Rohan I am from England

mrbonk
NSW, 483 posts
29 May 2007 4:37PM
Thumbs Up

On a related note:

HOW TO POO AT WORK
For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not In your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check For other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a Poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This Is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just Stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often See an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or Magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing Goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least Expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to Force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you Are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert Potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that You are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This Is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, Create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend Extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the facility is empty.

digital
WA, 291 posts
29 May 2007 4:24PM
Thumbs Up

we`ve gone from farting to crapping ,

had to happen i guess

i can`t stand turd burgulars , nothing worse when you are trying to get rid of a splinter out of your back and someone is trying to push it back in !

gazza
WA, 647 posts
29 May 2007 5:23PM
Thumbs Up

When you go to Mcdonalds to crap with out buying anything its call a Mc****
if the the ask you to buy something you tell them i will when im done thats called a Mc**** with lies

MintoxGT
WA, 975 posts
30 May 2007 11:12PM
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Im sorry,

Go here and have a giggle.



Yupp real life farts :)

Later GT

NotWal
QLD, 7428 posts
31 May 2007 1:54PM
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Then theres the one from an bum full of piles thats sounds like a burst of applause.

Leech
WA, 1933 posts
31 May 2007 12:09PM
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do farts rise or sink?

grumplestiltskin
WA, 2331 posts
31 May 2007 12:37PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Leech

do farts rise or sink?


Not sure, but they have an uncanny ability to permeate the nasal cavity



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Forums > General Discussion   Shooting the breeze...


"farts???" started by big gill