killer chilli

Chili Cook Off
Judge #3 (Frank) was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


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CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -
A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
Holy $@#&!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

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CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..


Judge # 1 -
Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

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CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -
Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -
A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $@#&faced from all the beer.

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CHILI # 4- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -
Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-Lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

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CHILI # 5- LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -
Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

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CHILI # 6- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I $@#& on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

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CHILI # 7- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -
Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

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CHILI # 8- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..

Judge # 1 -
The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -
This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - (Frank) -
No Report

see missing the magic ingredient .................beer!

you can cook without chilli ....if you wish ...but you will go straight to hell

Fixed that for ya Japie!

pffft - my kids chew on habanero's with thier weetbix in the mornings. . You can buy the plants at bunning's of all places...I do agree the taste is not brilliant, but I do use them as fillers for Chilli Sauce batches.

Now if you want a bit of heat.....

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trinidad_Scorpion_Butch_T_pepper

....this is what you want. I had a few of these growing this season and just received my seeds I had ordered for next seasons crop.

These things are the ones that need nuclear symbols on them. They are about 4-5 times hotter than a Habanero and actually have a nice taste to them. They can do real damage in the wrong hands though. I chop part of one really fine and like to mix in with food, but even a small amount stuck at the back of the throat

EDIT: oh and its home grown too www.australiangeographic.com.au/journal/aussies-grow-worlds-hottest-chilli.htm

first time I chopped up a halepeno, i didnt wear gloves, later when showering i assisted a booger with a finger, and ended with wifey smearing yoghurt on my face , thank the gods the pain kicked in just before the soap bar got lower