The deadwood of The SWAT Team have been discarded and after a brutal userping of the president of the club which has resulted in him being excluded from not only the team but also Australia, never to return. Only the essential body and heart of The Team remain. However, due to the temporary injury and inability to sail of a couple of key members the SWAT team will be accepting expressions of interest from new members.
Expressions must be submitted in calligraphy, handwritten triplicate of no less than 10 pages. The first 3 pages must convince the team of the severe badassery, dudership, and general wickedness of the applicant. Essential qualities include; the ability to appear dashing in a dinner suit at breakfast and be as drunk as a pirate by brunch yet as articulate as a diplomate by dinner, also be involved in group prostate massaging.
If the applicant manages to impress the applicant comity with their personal characteristics, then the applicant comity will read the next 5 pages on how the applicant (arrogantly) believes they could improve and build upon the already impressive SWAT team and carry on the long, prestigeous legacy.
The final, pages must be filled with artwork (photographs, paintings, and/or dioramas) of applicants of The SWAT Team surfing with their close personal friends Chuck Norris, Jet Lee, and Odin (Pierre) then the applicant must attempt to include themselves seamlessly in this situation without overshadowing or seeming insignificant.
Bonus points will be awarded for applications that pour their life blood into the pages, literally.
We would love to see your application in any form it may come.
The SWAT Team.
Select to expand quoteNotWal said..
Is this like fantasy football?
This is no joke, we don't fantasise about being the hardest team in the comp. If you want fantasy then stick with football.
We are more the sort of team that would go kiting in budgie smugglers just to get a rise out of the teabaggers!!! You have to have a thick skin to be part of this team. This is why we are so exclusive.
I believe that there is a newly formed team on the GC that already has twice the members that we have. This is how exclusive we are.
We don't sit back on SBreeze and judge, we give all the haters on SB something to judge!!!
i recently recieved an invitation to join your team and was excited that i might be able to be part of such an exclusive team but cant meet any of the criteria listed and since finding out about group prostate massaging id rather keep my distance is this something you picked up while flying your kite ?
If I was going to join a team, this is the kind of high standard operation I would join. I don't however have a tiny arm mounted gps receiver.I do have a large Furuno cathode ray type GPS chartplotter which I can mount on my upper arm.(It's also a sonar fishfinder with a paper printout.) The only problem is the bulky nature of this setup makes it almost impossible to do a port Jibe...I also have an irrational fear of blue blubber jellyfish.
Select to expand quoteSimon100 said..
i recently recieved an invitation to join your team and was excited that i might be able to be part of such an exclusive team but cant meet any of the criteria listed and since finding out about group prostate massaging id rather keep my distance is this something you picked up while flying your kite ?
Simon, I belive that you may be one of the select few, that will forgo the application an initiation process to gain access into the SWAT team and all our facilities/events. Flying my kite or the ranbow flag will not have any impact on yourself. However your additude of being worried about what other people think will have you dropped down the short list. Once you are off this list you will have to do some wicked things to get back on. The team is waiting for you to impress us with something awesome!!! I urge you to think hard about this one.
The short list will be posted later in the week.
Select to expand quoteRichiefish said..
If I was going to join a team, this is the kind of high standard operation I would join. I don't however have a tiny arm mounted gps receiver.I do have a large Furuno cathode ray type GPS chartplotter which I can mount on my upper arm.(It's also a sonar fishfinder with a paper printout.) The only problem is the bulky nature of this setup makes it almost impossible to do a port Jibe...I also have an irrational fear of blue blubber jellyfish.
Mr Fish, I commend you for thinking of strapping an early 90's model paper sounder to your arm. But before you do this I will give you some advice. I have used from time to time my Lowrance HDS8 Chart plotter / Sounder to do some sailing. Due to the fact that you need a car/boat battery to run the unit it is advused to wear some sort of bouancy device ie. lifejacket or blow up doll, what ever you have in the back seat of your car. It may sound silly to have a heavy battery on your back, but some of the top sailors in the state have been known to melt down the car batteries and put the lead in their backpack. Lord knows why they are then worried about the weight if the GPS unit??
One fact that you have stated is that you are scared of jellyfish. This fact alone will guarantee you that you will not be fortunate enough to have an offer to join the prestigeous SWAT team. For one of the social events that we undertake when you are not sailing or at the pub, is sort of like over at Moreton Is where you can swim with the dolphins. However we swim with the jellyfish in the nude. I personally have found the the size of my genitalia substantually increases after one of these team swimming sessions. We also go swimming with sharks but that is another story that is best kept for members only.
So Mr. Fish I am sorry but you may be wasting your time submitting an application to join this prestigious team. However due to anti discrimination laws we will still accept your expression of interest.
Select to expand quoteremo81 said..Richiefish said..
If I was going to join a team, this is the kind of high standard operation I would join. I don't however have a tiny arm mounted gps receiver.I do have a large Furuno cathode ray type GPS chartplotter which I can mount on my upper arm.(It's also a sonar fishfinder with a paper printout.) The only problem is the bulky nature of this setup makes it almost impossible to do a port Jibe...I also have an irrational fear of blue blubber jellyfish.
Mr Fish, I commend you for thinking of strapping an early 90's model paper sounder to your arm. But before you do this I will give you some advice. I have used from time to time my Lowrance HDS8 Chart plotter / Sounder to do some sailing. Due to the fact that you need a car/boat battery to run the unit it is advused to wear some sort of bouancy device ie. lifejacket or blow up doll, what ever you have in the back seat of your car. It may sound silly to have a heavy battery on your back, but some of the top sailors in the state have been known to melt down the car batteries and put the lead in their backpack. Lord knows why they are then worried about the weight if the GPS unit??
One fact that you have stated is that you are scared of jellyfish. This fact alone will guarantee you that you will not be fortunate enough to have an offer to join the prestigeous SWAT team. For one of the social events that we undertake when you are not sailing or at the pub, is sort of like over at Moreton Is where you can swim with the dolphins. However we swim with the jellyfish in the nude. I personally have found the the size of my genitalia substantually increases after one of these team swimming sessions. We also go swimming with sharks but that is another story that is best kept for members only.
So Mr. Fish I am sorry but you may be wasting your time submitting an application to join this prestigious team. However due to anti discrimination laws we will still accept your expression of interest.
Thankyou for your consideration...R.Fish..
Enjoy.....
I would be overjoyed to partake in some pugilism and sado-masochism with the members of such an upstanding and quite remarkable brotherhood. Alas Mr Norris and I will be partaking in some Ales this morning before delivering an di-digit prostate examination at my mother in laws banquet for the forgotten millionaires in today's society.
Select to expand quoteStuthepirate said..
I would be overjoyed to partake in some pugilism and sado-masochism with the members of such an upstanding and quite remarkable brotherhood. Alas Mr Norris and I will be partaking in some Ales this morning before delivering an di-digit prostate examination at my mother in laws banquet for the forgotten millionaires in today's society.
Mr. Scrotumpirate, Hangen out with Chuck is something to be proud of, I bet you have been screaming it from the roof tops.
I have been talking with the rest of the teams admissions committee and we believe that you may have what it takes to be a member of an Outlaw GPS Speed Sailing Team such as SWAT.
We have been trying to look at your times on the website but we are unable to find anyone sailing under the name Scrote??? Please post up some sessions so that the admissions committee can come to a vote. You see we have to be careful who we Nom here in QLD. As there are some new laws about Outlaw GPS Speed Sailing Teams that have just been passed through parliament.
Select to expand quoteremo81 said..
You see we have to be careful who we Nom here in QLD. As there are some new laws about Outlaw GPS Speed Sailing Teams that have just been passed through parliament.
Law 21(a) : it is mandatory for any member of the SWAT outlaw GPS Speed Sailing Team to wear pink jumpsuits over their boardshorts.
Select to expand quotesausage said..remo81 said..
You see we have to be careful who we Nom here in QLD. As there are some new laws about Outlaw GPS Speed Sailing Teams that have just been passed through parliament.
Law 21(a) : it is mandatory for any member of the SWAT outlaw GPS Speed Sailing Team to wear pink jumpsuits over their boardshorts.
Well there goes the jellyfish fondling, unless they stick em up their jumpsuits.
Select to expand quotesausage said..remo81 said..
You see we have to be careful who we Nom here in QLD. As there are some new laws about Outlaw GPS Speed Sailing Teams that have just been passed through parliament.
Law 21(a) : it is mandatory for any member of the SWAT outlaw GPS Speed Sailing Team to wear pink boardshorts.
Silly Sausage, you should know that we don't wear pink jump suits. However it is team policy to wear pink boardshorts when we are dominating such speed events as The Burrum Heads speed week. The shorts are actually red to start with, but from going so fast some of the colour got sucked out of them and they eventually turn pink.
Select to expand quotejusavina said..
Or being so slow that the sun has more time to fad them? 
Justvagina, that has been mentioned to us before. But only be the jealous. It has also been said that we start with white pants and because of our frequent visits to the red light district the pant colour turns pink. It is up to you to decide...
So the short list is here. I know that many of you have been waiting for this with great anticipation. Please note that not all of the people on the list will be able to be accepted into the SWAT Dynasty. Be prepared for this to change your life, and your speed sailing career. For it is a good thing when you and your team members rock up to a speed strip to get some speed sailing done, as all the locals will flee from the speed strip as not to cause any trouble. Having private speed sailing sessions like this will guarantee you of improving your times.
So the lucky short listed people are as follows: (they are listed in order of who we think is best from the top)
- Scotty and Brad (you two won equal)
- Richard Steller
- Billy GI
- Chriso
- Rolz
- Jarrafe
- Skinny
- Da Vecta
- Geoff-R
- Ken Anning
- Simon100 (You would be higher up the list but the constant nagging on the beach to be permitted to join the SWAT team has put you down the bottom)
- Vando (Associate of SWAT)
Good luck to all. The selection team will be watching your sailing and your results over the next few weeks.
The final team position offerings will be announced in a few weeks time.
Good Luck to all!!!
Chris, Chris. I know you can't really help it. You and Shane are just lonely boys trying to make friends. It is quite obvious that you have slipped into a fantasy world. This is probably caused by isolation that has brought on severe depression and delusions. My advice is to seek medical help as soon as possible.
As a matriarch of lady sailors and a representative of GPSTC I feel it is my duty to try to steer you onto the right path. We don't want to lose you to the dark side. This talk of kiting in budgie smugglers really worries me.
I have jotted down some of my ideas. I hope they help
You mention discrimination laws but I see you have included no female sailors on your list.
I am impressed by your uniform ideas and pink is good for proving that you are in touch with your feminine side but I am not sure that other boys would enjoy being dressed in pink or understand your reasoning. if you insist on having a uniform I believe that all Lycra uniform would be a best. You only have to look on our roads to find wonderful options for your uniform. It won't be too expensive either as you probably already have a Lycra top.
I am not sure I understand all the talk about jellyfish.
In reality I feel there are only a couple of options open to you (forget about getting the cool kids to join you, they never will! )
1. Find some other sailers with no friends and ask then to join you
2 offer lessons to non windsurfers and sign them up as soon as you can
3 give up and join another team
4 Consider finding another sport where you will have lots of friends like football or cricket
5 get psychiatric help
Chris take note option 3 from Anne. The offers still open, join the Burrum Heads MOB!!
Does SWAT stand for 'So Weak At That' by the way?
or 'Stultifying Wiggly Abominable Trolls?
I am still trying to understand that name...
^^^ I have it on good authority that it really means "Slow Wankers And Twats". They wont own up to it though.
Just because they dress in pink like bikies in prison this does not mean they are tough like bikies, only that they have the dress sense of bikies.
Select to expand quoterrdsailor said..
Chris take note option 3 from Anne. The offers still open, join the Burrum Heads MOB!!
That's more like a real Team's name!
Select to expand quotealewi62 said..
Chris, Chris. I know you can't really help it. You and Shane are just lonely boys trying to make friends. It is quite obvious that you have slipped into a fantasy world. This is probably caused by isolation that has brought on severe depression and delusions. My advice is to seek medical help as soon as possible.
As a matriarch of lady sailors and a representative of GPSTC I feel it is my duty to try to steer you onto the right path. We don't want to lose you to the dark side. This talk of kiting in budgie smugglers really worries me.
I have jotted down some of my ideas. I hope they help
You mention discrimination laws but I see you have included no female sailors on your list.
I am impressed by your uniform ideas and pink is good for proving that you are in touch with your feminine side but I am not sure that other boys would enjoy being dressed in pink or understand your reasoning. if you insist on having a uniform I believe that all Lycra uniform would be a best. You only have to look on our roads to find wonderful options for your uniform. It won't be too expensive either as you probably already have a Lycra top.
I am not sure I understand all the talk about jellyfish.
In reality I feel there are only a couple of options open to you (forget about getting the cool kids to join you, they never will! )
1. Find some other sailers with no friends and ask then to join you
2 offer lessons to non windsurfers and sign them up as soon as you can
3 give up and join another team
4 Consider finding another sport where you will have lots of friends like football or cricket
5 get psychiatric help
Anne, thank you for your kind words and advice. We have been very lonely since we have been injured and have had to sit on the beach and watch all the other kids go out windsurfing.
We are aware that there were no women sailors included on our list, this all comes from the chip that we have on our shoulders. It all started when we decided to go to the gym to get even more buff than we already are. But the girl on the counter at the local gym said that we were not welcome at Fernwood. So we decided that if we cant join Fernwood then we were going to play their game. It does make sense though, SWAT not being allowed to join said establishment, as there would be women fainting all over the gym as the SWAT team pumped some iron... It is a stigma that the whole team is working to deal with. We are seeking professional counselling.
The problem with Lycra is that there is too much wind resistance. Over the summer the whole team has booked in to get full body lazer hair removal. It is steps like this that really set the SWAT team apart form the rest in terms of commitment to the sport. This should ensure that 2014 will be the year of SWAT!!!
Select to expand quoterrdsailor said..
Chris take note option 3 from Anne. The offers still open, join the Burrum Heads MOB!!
Darryl, offer is noted. Good to see you got out for a sail today.
Attention all SWAT team members. There is a team meeting at the team club house tonight!!! 7:30 till late
Select to expand quoteremo81 said..
Word is that Vando may make an appearance...
Hmmm tempting
Just to let all members and associates know, the SWAT Team Christmas dinner will be held next Wednesday night at The Wello. 7pm kick off. Word is that Vando might make an appearance
