"Church of the Holy Kitesurfer"

ahahha

praise be to the invisible flatulent man in the sky that sends plenty of wind!

They have no soul. How the **** can you rip off little old ladies, poor people, people who are dying/cancer stricken etc

Had a friend find out that her mother had been transferring many $ to these ****s

Grrrrrrrrrr

Amen

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eppo said..

Get it registered for the next census...I suppose we could all just write your church in the 'other' colomn.

What are your main doctrines for your fellow worshipers to follow ....??

I am glad someone finally asked, thanks eppo!

Our doctrine is simple:

We worship Kitero (kite-ero) God of Wind and Great Flatulance.

We get out and enjoy nature while being attached to anywhere from 4meters to 21meters of sail cloth by 4 or 5 pieces of string leading to an attachment in the waist area. As much as possible. Anyone with an excuse not to kite when the wind is above 20knots is automatically excommunicated from the congregation.

In order to be baptized into the church you must of at least have been tea bagged down wind while attached to a kite to the point where after you gained control you needed someone to pump the water out of your lungs.

Tithing is 10% of your income paid on each pay day made payable to "Church of the Holy Kitesurfer" to a bank account of my choosing. In return for your hard earned cash the church will pray daily for wind from the "great wind god" so you can kite more often. All you have to do is have faith that by paying your hard earned cash you will get more kiteable days.

I will also set up a Ministry called "Ministry of the Holy Kitesurfer" which will take 70% of all earnings from the church and put towards kiting ministry's work in exotic locations, "Indonesia, Bali, Cook Islands, Mexico, Brazil and other places where me and my family of small and dedicated followers of Kitero will spend six months of the year kiting and converting heathen brethren to the path of glory,before returning home each summer to tell our stories to our faithful followers.

All travel will be on "my" (sorry the churches) private jet. All the while paying no tax! Believe in Kitero and have faith and give the church your cash and Kitero will give you more kiteable days each year

Remember that "Kitero" teaches us that if we plant a seed it will grow and you will truly be blessed with more kiting. We have 5 main commandments:

1) thou shalt not short tack.
2) thou shalt not use a twin tip in the surf unless you are doing awesome tricks off kickers and stay off the line of the kiters surfing the waves.
3) thou shalt not teach other people to kite unless you are qualified.
4) thou shalt not as a beginner try and get in the way of the rotation where more experienced kiters are doing radical tricks.
5) thou shalt discriminate heavily towards pole dancers at every opportunity.

Please PM me and I will give you my (sorry the churches) account details so you can send your seed money.

Good Winds! May "Kitero" bless you always.

Since I am on the west coast. Can I pray to zepherus god of westerly winds in your church?

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eppo said..
Mmmm plummet that would imply a more pagan style multi God approach. Considering wind is the central thematic prose for our belief system I feel it could be possible. But our guru needs to decide really. Maybe a sizeable donation may assist.

Must admit above sounds as reasonable as any organised religion.

But you need a punch line ... A hook.... Damn rising from the dead in three days seems to have done it for a few thousand years. That's a lot of time for that hocus pocus story to survive.

Something that delineates our God from ANY other and as such we are the sole possessers of the truth.

Once we got that we can mame, steal and even kill (the more heathers the better really) because we are right.

Ya need a punch line and hook to our God. Then the money will roll in ... Just ask the guys in the Vatican.

what we need is believers and ill be damned if i dont believe in murpheys law. chuck in some money counting card stacking frisbee throwing rituals to summon the wind god and sign me up

Suckering others to pay you just seemed mean. The part I found amazing was how this could be used as a tax trick. You don't need others to pay you.

Just make a church, donate most of your salary to it (for a tax deduction), use the church's money to pay your bills.
Bingo, you've cut your income tax down to zero!

John Oliver showed this tax strategy is viable in the US; I suspect the Australian Tax Office wouldn't fall for it as easily. The ATO is better funded (does more tax audits), and I suspect uses its general anti-avoidance provisions more easily than America's IRS does.

Why should kitebt take all the religious glory and money!

I am splintering off creating my own imaginary friend.

Stuff you east coasters I'm only interested in westerlies.... With the occasional SE.

So join pope Plummet now become a zephyrion now and pray for westerly winds.

Now remember any good god needs a sacrifice and suffering....

As we all know you need a sacrifice in the form of either a virgin or a goat. Even better yet a virgin goat will give you the most bang for your buck for a sacrifice.

Don't sacrifice too many virgin goats however. A friend once sacrificed 720 virgin goats prior to a kite event. We got a storm of 50+ knots!....

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Plummet said..
Why should kitebt take all the religious glory and money!

I am splintering off creating my own imaginary friend.

Stuff you east coasters I'm only interested in westerlies.... With the occasional SE.

So join pope Plummet now become a zephyrion now and pray for westerly winds.

Now remember any good god needs a sacrifice and suffering....

As we all know you need a sacrifice in the form of either a virgin or a goat. Even better yet a virgin goat will give you the most bang for your buck for a sacrifice.

Don't sacrifice too many virgin goats however. A friend once sacrificed 720 virgin goats prior to a kite event. We got a storm of 50+ knots!....

What about virgin sheep?

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Plummet said..
Why should kitebt take all the religious glory and money!

I am splintering off creating my own imaginary friend.

Stuff you east coasters I'm only interested in westerlies.... With the occasional SE.

So join pope Plummet now become a zephyrion now and pray for westerly winds.

Now remember any good god needs a sacrifice and suffering....

As we all know you need a sacrifice in the form of either a virgin or a goat. Even better yet a virgin goat will give you the most bang for your buck for a sacrifice.

Don't sacrifice too many virgin goats however. A friend once sacrificed 720 virgin goats prior to a kite event. We got a storm of 50+ knots!....

The church is not even up and running and I already have detractors. Kitero through his incarnate on earth (ME) casts you out Plummet to kite in your Westerlies. May you have cursed wind.

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rohjar said..
Also, now that this church is established and awesome, it needs a good schism.

The old-school Kitero hardliners, vs the Zephyrus/Huey West Coast down-the-line sect...

Join my zephurion sect Rohjar.


PS Here's my theme song for the church! Only Tool is acceptable for Zephyrion church music!

oooh I see an excuse for the first 'holy war' before the churches have even began. This must be the real deal then.

But it's a good idea, nothing better to separate people from their money than to create an enemy.

Good work fellas.

Its a little slow so far and we have new satanic sect already started up but I am hoping we will be this successful. Get on board kiters.

it's picture like above that remind me that we are doomed as a survivable species....

tim Minchin is a genius and Cardinal Powell is a dead set disgrace to humanity...as are the rest of them.