" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you
realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. "
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and is sent to the urologist as a precaution.When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
She says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says, "99". The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the old guy says, '99'. The doctor said, ?Very good?.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say,'99'.
The old guy begins,
"One...
Two?
Three?"
"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T'aime
German
Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai ****e Imasu
Italian
Ti Amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian
As Tave Meliu
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta, British Columbia, Oregon, Upper Mich.
Nice Tits,
Get in the Truck.
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you!
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ...."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...
There will be Hell to pay later!
Select to expand quoteSimondo said..
" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you
realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. "
GOLD !! This joke has multiple uses - it belongs in the surf rage thread 
and maybe half of the shark threads and a thread in the 666 room
What about the girl called..Virginia.
They called her Virgin for short..but not for long 
A dear old friend of mine used to tell a great joke about "acute angina"... and old age homes... what was that dear?... Did you say you had a cute vagina!?
Marg passed away last year... Lung cancer, from smoking, but she was mid 70's....
Select to expand quoteSimondo said..
"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES
Nice Tits,
Get in the Truck.
Bahahaha, sounds like 3/4 of Tassie too!
A Saskatchewan man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Sask recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the man.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
We here in Saskatchewan may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as most.
WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN! Smile, Regardless of Age or Gender You Know It's True.
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. ''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'' ''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
A man walking through a paddock in Tasmania sees another man behind a sheep, sweating and grunting.
"Hi," says the man. "You shearing?"
The man with the sheep replies, "No. F**k off and get your own!"
Pom & a Kiwi driving on a holiday thru Plymouth .... they get out of town a bit into the country and see a sheep stuck in a fence with it's arse pointing toward the road ... the Pom says "Geez I wish I had my hunting knife" ..... the Kiwi says " Geez I wish it was Dark" ...... 
Select to expand quoteDazzler75 said..
What do you call a Kiwi with a camera?
Go Bro
Some would say a thief.
Not me, I'm all for that Anzac spirit.
Select to expand quoteNewScotty said..
Not me, I'm all for that Anzac spirit.
same
On a plane there was the captain, an aussie, a new zealander, a south african and an american. The captain told the others that the plane was too heavy so they threw out all their luggage. Then he said it was still too heavy and they were going to crash. So the South African and the American jumped out of the plane saying "I'm doing it for my country" and then the New Zealander pushed the Australian out of the plane saying "I'm doing this for my country"
What do you call a black man with a white dick?..
A coal miner that went home for lunch....
Select to expand quoteSP said..
What do you call a black man with a white dick?..
A coal miner that went home for lunch....
----------
Once upon a time,
In regional Victoria,
The NBL (Basketball) Club's manager and his wife had a baby,
And clubs were allowed to have 1 International Import player (from USA, etc)
And this club had a Black African American...
The baby popped out with unusually dark skin, when compared to his white parents! & 
True story! Regional Victoria... Lets go with Geelong SuperCats !!
Select to expand quoteSimondo said..
look into my eye & ye shall see enlightenment young Grommetti
Select to expand quotethePup said..Simondo said..
look into my eye & ye shall see enlightenment young Grommetti
Ah, no thanks.
Wait, is that you pup? 
Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one....right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ..............
'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
Two Trees and a Woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
Today's joke is... Simondo! Wait for it...
There's a gorgeous girl at the Deli... At the end of our short conversations, she always asks, "would you like anything else with that?"...
My answer... In light of not wanting to spend time with sexual predators in Ararat Vic (where the Vic Predators go!), I refrain from saying, "I'd love a quick 10 minutes out the back with you actually!"... and I politely smile and say, "no thanks!".
