What is the difference between a trailer load of dead babies and a trailer load of sand??
You can't pitchfork sand.
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS:
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the
divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife
$775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every
now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________ >A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency
Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of
your wife at all..'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you
man and wife.
'
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of
Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears
and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used
in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty
pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I
sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,
she's there.'
Select to expand quotecisco said...
Deer (not dear you illiterate prick 
) with no eyes, no legs and no dick??
Still no focking eye deer.
Haha roger that
Select to expand quotedjt91184 said..
I'd give a NZ wapiti a rogering not a elk though
A elk, a elk!!!!
An elk if you don't mind. 
What do Anthony Mundine and Elton John have in common???
They have both been bashed around the ring.
talking about rings what do you get if you cross Wendell Sailor and John Hopoate?
Powderfinger
Q. What do Anthony Mundine and Elton John have in common??
A. They have both been bashed around the ring a bit!!!
The British Way...
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the spot only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water..?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water here, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead..? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel..! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water..! I should kill you, But I must find water first..!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ....
"They won't let me in without a ******* tie..!
An amazing fact.
If you say oranges really slowly it actually sounds like you're saying gullible.
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his cars for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
“Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you should consider selling your cars and your fishing equipment collection.”
Tom gets a horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex wife!”, she screams, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE ? ?
!!!!!!!”
Tom’s reply: “I wasn’t”.
Select to expand quote<div>
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<div>
<div>SCOTTISH WEDDING
<div>
<div>
<div>
<div>At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
<div>
New Book
A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"
<div>
Select to expand quotecisco said...
Irish woman with no legs??
call her No lean.
Irishman with two pieces of glass
Paddy odoors
Dark bloke with a piece of pork on his head
Hamed
Dark bloke with 2 pieces of pork on his head
Morehammed
Indian bloke at the karaoke
Gedupta sing
Irish bloke with a bullet in his side
Rick oshea
Guy walks into the pet shop
Can I have 2 wasps please
Sorry sir we don't sell wasps
But you've got some in the window
Select to expand quotecisco said..
about 60 pages ago dude 
forgivable, compared to telling your own joke twice in the same page lol
Select to expand quoteMark _australia said..
about 60 pages ago dude
forgivable, compared to telling your own joke twice in the same page lol
Yeah alright!! I am 66 this year. I have vivid memories of what happened when I was 5 years old but not quite sure what I did yesterday.
It is really quite good fun.
A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.
While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”
The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”
The deadly chase was recorded. Click here <
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk at the wake !
Select to expand quotecisco said..
Irish woman with one leg?
Call her I lean.
Chinese woman with one leg?
Irene.
Bill Shorten walked into a bank to cash a cheque When he’s called over to the teller, he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
The teller replied, "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Bill Shorten said, "Truthfully, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I’m the leader of the Labour Party of Australia."
The teller said, "Yes sir, I know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Shorten said, “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they’ll tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
The teller said, "I’m sorry, Mr Shorten, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them"
Getting a bit agitated, Shorten snapped, “C'mon woman, I’m urging you, please, to cash this cheque.."
The teller said, "Look Mr Shorten, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr Shorten, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"
Bill Shorten stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there’s nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... and I don't have a clue."
With a big smile, the teller said, "Will that be large or small notes, Mr Shorten?
Spanish woman with one tooth...
Juanita
Woman balancing 6 beers on her nose...
Beatrix
APOLITICAL ONE-LINERS FOR THIS ELECTION YEAR
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~
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If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.~John Quinton~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
<div class="text_exposed_show">She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I've ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ...
“You missed the f ucking putt, didn’t you?”
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it is quiverin' a little."
