After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo – and he doesn’t travel light – the chauffeur notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the chauffeur, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”
“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the chauffeur.
“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the chauffeur gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried chauffeur, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the chauffeur.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
“So bust him,” says the Chief.
“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.
The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”
“Bigger.”
“Governor?” The Chief asked.
“Bigger.”
“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”
“I think it’s God!” the cop exclaimed.
“What makes you think that?”
“Well for one thing, he’s got the Pope as a chauffeur.”
Old mate went Mud crabbing one day, out of season
Scores himself a big one and say's to himself "yeah that's a keeper"
Just then a ranger comes zooming over the dunes and busts him before he has time to stash the mud crab
The ranger starts screaming at old mate, telling him how much trouble he's in for crabbing out of season
Old mate explains to the ranger the he did not just catch the mud crab, and that it is his pet crab and he brings it down for a swim occasionally
The ranger says "BS mate, I'm doing you"
Mate says "no seriously, you watch this, I'll let him go out for a swim, and have a quick catch up with his old mates and he'll be back in a couple of minutes
The ranger seriously doubts this, but says " righto mate, let's just see"
So Old mate places his crab in the water, and it shuffles off out of sight
After about 10 minutes, the ranger (fairly loosing his shxt by now) stiffly asks Old mate "Well mate , where is it ?
Old mate replies "where's what ?"
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row,
totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted,
nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his winkie,
and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced
in front of them would not be ordained because he had not
reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no rea...ction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly
that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest
in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where
the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...
.........and all the other bells started to ring .!! 
Three men standing on the deck of the titanic as its sinking. A social worker , a lawyer
and a priest. The social worker says "quickly, we must save the children" The lawyer
says "screw the children" The priest says " have we got time"
Daryl is on his way to the pub driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.
Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:
"Shazza what the bloody hell d'ya think ya doing?"
Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:
"G'day Dazza. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".
Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
Shazza, he says, Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real good sport too", and drives off to the pub to tell his mates.
A retired Army sniper decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a gun store, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
Select to expand quoteA blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
<div class="text_exposed_show">
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
Select to expand quote<div>Why Moses was the one who received the Ten Commandments.
<div>
God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
<div>
There! That should upset just about everybody!!....
<div>
Two 90-year olds, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.
One day Frank said 'Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through High School.
Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there.'
Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, 'Frank you've been my best friend for many years.
If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Leo passed on.
A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, Frank... Frank '.......'Who is it?' asked Frank sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Leo-- it's me, Leo'.
'You're not Leo, Leo just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Leo' insisted the voice.
'Leo!....Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Leo. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Frank.
'The good news,' Leo said, 'is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Frank 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
You're pitching Tuesday!
What goes......
Clip clop clip clop clip clop .....BANG.....Clip clop clip clop clip clop............................................................
V
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
An Amish drive by shooting.....
...yeah yeah I know... lame.......!
Select to expand quotebazz61 said..
What goes......
Clip clop clip clop clip clop .....BANG.....Clip clop clip clop clip clop............................................................
V
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
An Amish drive by shooting........yeah yeah I know... lame.......!
It'd only be lame if it went "Clip..........clip.............clip......."
THE FIRST MESSAGE
Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
IN RESPONSE
Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead.
He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone where he saw he had a second message from his neighbor.
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife" Technology hey?
Regards, Alan
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am!"
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wit's end and dunks the drunk again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?!"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Paddy has a job in a local bakery; he is hard at work when a council food and hygiene inspector pays a surprise visit to the premises. She watches as Paddy removes his false teeth and starts using them to imprint the fancy design around the edge of the apple pies destined for the oven. She roars "Stop that right now, what are you doing?" Paddy startled looks around to where the voice is coming from and she continues "That is disgusting, haven't you got a tool?" Paddy replies "Of course I've got a tool, but I only use that for the doughnuts".
Paddy bumped into his old school chum Shamus whom he hadn't seen for many years, Shamus immediately started bragging about his well paid job and his fancy car. Then he pulled a photo of his wife out of his wallet and shoved it under Paddy's nose "Look at this, that's my missus, isn't she a stunner mate, absolutely gorgeous eh, what do you reckon?" Paddy looked at the photo and said "If you think she's a stunner you really should see my Bridie". Shamus asked "why's that? Is she a drop dead gorgeous piece of flesh too?" No replied Paddy "she's a bloody optician, now p*** off ya bastard".
Chinese Takeaway for dinner tonight - $28.00
Cost of fuel to go and pick it up - $6.00
Arriving home and realising they have left a container out of your order - Riceless.
My girlfriend left me because of my fetish for touching pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
I HATE spelling errors......You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
Bit long, but priceless:
A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..."
"Well, yes, is that a problem?"
"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?!" says the politician. "Those are the rules," replies St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears. He awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!" Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks.
"Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!"
"Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks.
Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..."
Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course.
"It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question.
So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.
Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... and is woken up by St Peter.
"So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter. "You can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on."
"Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted."
A Montana Redneck walks into a bar, with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his private parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of the head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a blonde woman timidly spoke up...
"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
NOMINATED THE BEST RACIST JOKE OF THE YEAR
A Romanian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australiaman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia ."
The person says, "I not Australian, I am Pakistani."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says,
"Thank you for wonderful country Australia !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan . I am not Australian."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
"Are you an Australia woman?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the Australian?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
Wrong! you would find more immigrants working or willing to work than Aussie bums
Select to expand quoteTonz said..
Wrong! you would find more immigrants working or willing to work than Aussie bums
Dude you understand we are in the joke section right? Being wrong or right is mute.
Select to expand quoteeppo said..Tonz said..
Wrong! you would find more immigrants working or willing to work than Aussie bums
Dude you understand we are in the joke section right? Being wrong or right is mute.
Moot
A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.
When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this.
"It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler."
Late 1 night i was awoken by a guy knocking at the door. Mustve been close to 3am.
He said he needed a push and i told him to bugger off and closed the door.
When i got back to bed the mrs growled" remember the times we broke down and people helped us? Show some heart!"
" alright, alright" i said i grumbled and threw some shoes and pants on.
I went outside and couldn't see the guy so i yelled "hey buddy you still need a push?"
A pause then a voice came from the darkness "oh yeah that'd be great "
Couldnt see him anywhere.
"Well where the heck are ya?"
"Over here.. .. On the swings! "
Select to expand quoteA WA man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try
artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when
they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they
are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't
take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to
the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back,
and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls knackered into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look
out of the window.. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep
are lying in the grass.
'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover....
and one of them is beeping the horn.'
An elderly couple were driving through Georgia on the way to their home in Florida when they were pulled over by the police.
The officer approached the old man driving the car and asked for his license and insurance card.
The old woman, who was hard of hearing, asked what the officer said. The old man shouted, HE WANTS MY LICENSE AND INSURANCE CARD.
The officer commented to the old man that he noticed they are from New York. The old woman again asked what was said, and the old man shouted HE KNOWS WE ARE FROM NEW YORK.
The officer commented that he was in New York once, and the old man shouted to his wife, HE'S BEEN TO NEW YORK.
The officer commented that he had met a woman there and it was the worst sex he'd ever had. The old man shouted HE KNOWS YOU.
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad.""Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied."So what happened then?" the man asked.The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?""Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."The man laughed and said, "Again?"The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain.""So, what did you do then?" the man asked."I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.""Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head."Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said."So, what did you do?"
the man asked."Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ...Some things you just can't explain."
I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you're over sixty.............who cares?
**********
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shaveand got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to yourfriends over there instead of you.
"Cost me a fat lip, but... When you're over sixty..............who cares?
**********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're over sixty..............who cares?
**********
I went to our VFW last night and saw aBIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you're over sixty...............who cares?
