It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?” He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.” The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.” He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.” The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil, this one’s black.”
A grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. The staff tell me F UCK ALL"
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a
very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed,
the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee , read paper (both of which are free).
3) 15 minutes later, swipe the Visa and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: = Oil Change: $40.00
Total: $40.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, swipe the Visa for $50.00.
2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, swipe the Visa for $40, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under caravan.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 19 mm ring spanner.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in rubbish bin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.
Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin swearing.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Drink beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Drink beer.
31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32) Drink beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Drink beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
Driving Under Influence fine: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,185.00
But you know the job was done right !
I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the f@#k would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
Got to love some of the stories on FaceBook...
NO NAMES PLEASE
ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION....
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT....
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUT CHILLI OIL OR VICKS (YEAH THE SMELLY STUFF) ANYWHERE I REPEAT ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR VAGINA!
THIS COMES TO YOU VIA ME THE POOR SUCKER.... SITTING IN THE MATERNITY UNIT WITH MY A$$ AND SAID VAGINA BOILING THE ICE BUCKET IM SITTING IN...
I WANT TO GO BACK TO PEELING MY RAW EGGS (THAT WAS YESTERDAYS BABY BRAIN) NOW....
Im actually laughing.... could be the pain.... could be the stupidity.... could even be the pain relief.... but anyways... just DONT DO IT....
34 weeks pregnant...
DAY ONE OF THE GREAT BURNT BADGER...
Ok soooooooooo i hate chilli HATE IT.... but we have a chilli plant (HAD A PLANT.... I AM BURNING THAT EVIL DEMONIC BASTARD THING IF IF I EVER RECOVER) Im picking the poxy little things for the MR to pickle (he just looooooooooves the asshole to burn APPARENTLY well thats what i think) i picked these tiny pathetic little lava suckers.... get in the house and sneeze.... **** **** **** waddle waddle waddle i need to peeeeeeeee waddle waddle DONT LEAK DONT LEAK.... yes made it... omg soooooooooo good..... and wipe.... holy freaking **** balls mother fooker god damn im seeing stars the pains intense.... i scream.... hubby comes and gets me and puts me onto the bed.... im screaming and frashing about begging for something anything to stop the burn..... he gets a cold flannel.... it helps.... then Mr says ill put some vaseline on it.... in his rush he grabbed vicks.... he smoothers it on.... the **** just slides off as its too hot down stairs to stick BUT it does mat into my nice little mound of lady flufff the stuffs like superglue in cotton wool.....
I am now laying/tossing/thrashing about in bed and have a twat that is burned to the buggery, matted lady fluff thats like a little bush on fire (wish chilli bush was on fire) and i am too scared to pee.... mind due it would probably be cooler than i think.... my bumhole is just as hot.... Ever tried walking to a car with the demonic hell fire pits raging through your groin????!!!!! My legs were spread that damn wide trying to get a cool breeze the neighbours and all saw me wheeled out via the ambulance men again suprised they fitted me through the door as my legs still spread.... mind due the neighbours know my vag was on fire... i was quite vocal about it.... im going to have to move i think.....
The rate i am going i could probably write a book....
Im calling it
Baby brain fook ups and burnt badger
the MR says to me as i am sitting in my god damn ice bucket "honey arent you afraid the ice might i dont know slip in your bum or somewhere........"
No asswipe no fooking way in hell would they do that as the fooking things fooking melt before they get anywhere fooking near it....
The nurses have asked him to go for a walk....
But yes i must admit hairs not a issue anymore(was trying to decided waxed shaved or trimmed for birth).. all smooth.... not sure whether it self combusted and burnt off... or they shaved me or it melted.... fantastic for hair removal....
Now....
I wonder if it will grow BACK.....
Its ok dinner at maternity has arrived...
Chilli con carne....
Can i possibly scream any louder?
I can hear Frozen's "let it go" from the nursery....
Well hopefully tomorrow is better....
DAY 2....
Ok so the badger is recovered not as hot as it was.... farted though and the warm air set my butthole alight.... to scared to ****.... mind due the frozen condom ice pops are fantastic but everytime i walk it sounds like fanny farts.... still havent been game to look.... from the feel of things my poor flaps are hanging and feel like bubblewrap.... went for a checkup today.... they saw me and took all their strength not to laugh.... mind due im walking with my legs spread that far the baby will probably fall out.... one wrong move and i will do the splits... was laying down watching a cooking show with the MR hes still not game to come near me.... they were cooking clams.... he smiled adoringly at me.... i threw my coffee cup at his head asshole....
Day 3....
BURNT BADGER UPDATE....
MUST MOVE TOWNS STATES EVEN....
NEIGHBOURS LAUGH AND WAVE IF THEY SEE ME....
MATERNITY IS IN HYSTERICS AND BABIES ARE POPPING OUT FROM MUMS LAUGHING....
MY BADGER FEELS LIKE DRIED UP OLD LEATHER....
ALL OF THESE I CAN LIVE WITH....
MY FOOKING CONDOM ICE POLE BADGER COOLER.... WAIT FOR IT....
FELL OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF WOOLIES FRUIT AND VEG....
FELL
OUT
IN
FRONT
OF
MASS
AMOUNTS
OF
PEOPLE
A DELIGHTFUL LITTLE **** HEAD OF A TEENAGER SCREAMED HER DILDO FELL OUT...
YEP
WORSE STILL IM HOLDING A.... CUCUMBER....
MY FACIAL CHEEKS ARE NOW JUST AS RED AS THE BADGER.....
Now someone asked if i was wearing knickers.....
Yes i was wearing knickers....
Oh course i was wearing freaking undies did you miss my post about NASA searching my back yard for a ufo which turned out to be my massive ****ing granny knickers blowing in the wind on the line?
I may be a little out there and all but i do NOT make a habit of running around knicker less....
But there again i also dont make a habit of rubbing chillis on my flange either.....
Nor screaming MY VAG IS ON FIRE....
But this last week i have burnt my badger.... i walk like i have a pineapple up my ass and freeze condoms full of slush and wedge it in my crack.... **** it might as well go all out and just go naked....
Select to expand quoteGizmo said..
Got to love some of the stories on FaceBook...
NO NAMES PLEASE
etc.....
reads exactly like the "real" things written by blokes using Nair on their nairtherregions.
All made up IMHO
Japie wins 
Select to expand quoteMark _australia said..Gizmo said..
Got to love some of the stories on FaceBook...
NO NAMES PLEASE
etc.....
reads exactly like the "real" things written by blokes using Nair on their nairtherregions.
All made up IMHO
Japie wins
Yeah, Japies was good but for a fleeting moment I thought there might have been a bit of humour in you. Oh well, we live in hope.
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local Bottlo.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous Sheila
in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window,
and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ....
I Replied, ”What type of beer you got?”.
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a
black truck towing a Trailer Sailer with a coffin in the cockpit.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid sailor."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners "as a matter of fact, he's headed off to the
launching ramp as soon as we bury his wife."
Mickey Mouse is in court for his divorce proceedings when the lawyer looks at a transcript and says- it says here that you are divorcing minny because, and I quote " she is f#%king crazy" are you sure being "f#%king crazy" as you put it is reasonable grounds for divorce??
To which mickey replies- I never said she was f#%king crazy I said she was f#%king goofy!!!
An English lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?”
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and
dragged me into there; he removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his
feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied, "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
On his first day at the Nudist Colony Sid takes off his clothes, and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and Sid immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?”
Sid replies, No, what do you mean?”
She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.”
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Sid continues to explore the nudist colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him.
“Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.
“No”, says Sid “what do you mean?”
“Ah you must be new here”, says the hairy man. “It's a rule that if you
fart, it implies that you called for me”
With this the huge man spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
Then Sid staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.
“May I help you?” she says.
Sid yells, “Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $400 membership fee.”
“But, Sir,” she replies, “you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.”
Sid says, “Listen lady, I'm 75 years old. I only get an erection once a month if I'm lucky, but I fart about 35 times a day!”
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2015 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.Life is too short...
^^^
^^^
Sorry VB MAM
I should've posted that in Heavy weather
But your joke is real funny
A kiter bagging us out
Hahaha
Who's tea bagging who or you
Little Johnny!
(Blessthe littlebugger)
"Class, today's assignment is to spell and
Use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."
Teacher says"Jane, you go first"
Dough, D O U G H..
"Italians make pizza with dough.."
Very good, Jane... Now let's hear from Mary.
Dough, D O U G H.
"My brother makes things with play dough."
Very good, Mary..
Little Johnny then raises his hand.
Teacher says"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?
"My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough,
And he's bloody hopeless in bed,
So she has to use a dill dough.
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and
said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Late in the night, Jim finally regained consciousness. He was in hospital,
in agonizing pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable,
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Also speaking slowly, he managed to mumble in reply,
"Can I feel your tits, then?"
And that, friends, is a POSITIVE ATTITUDE!
“I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.The chief walks to the men and says, ” What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?” The first man thinks for a second and replies, “I choose Boogaloo”.The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant “boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo”. The chief takes the man, bends him over and f**ks him up the ***.The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks, “You must choose, Death or Boogaloo”?The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, “I choose death”.The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, “Death by boogaloo!!!”
Select to expand quote<div>Two wives go out for a girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.
They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said, "No more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties!"
The other husband said, "You think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'From all of us at the Fire Station.... We'll never forget you'!"
The other day I went over to our nearby Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a senior citizen … I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!"
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!”
Well, I can never go back to that Pharmacy but I really don't care though, because they just aren't very friendly there anyway.
I don’t know if you heard this already.
Story goes like that.
When I was born , my parents had a problem to find me for a long time.
I was born in very modern hospital by the times where all the babies were instantly screened for IQ, then allocated in separate rooms.
When my mother goes to pickup me she rushed to first one with label
– Geniuses – . Found empty. “Not end of the world” she thought
Next one
- Smart Kids – Quite a few but not me either. “ I can live with that” she said
And went to another:
Normal - quite a busy. Still nothing “ that is scary”
She make a cross and opened
-Dumb babies- Few jumped to greet her but all wrong.
The last room before Morgue was
-Idiots. “ I will love you anyway” she kick the door ... to find that room empty too.
She run crying to the Morgue just to see in last second one small with the label
-MACRO
I still don’t know what that's means but I believe is true.
