A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”
Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona ( being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping
session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the
doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
The football coach noticed that Bubba, his star player, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the top of the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em for hours!"
The coach went home early the next day. He entered the bedroom and heard his wife in the shower.
Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and began to bang his erect member on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and yelled, "That you Bubba?"
Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought.
A scotsman gets up from his chair and tells his wife “Miriam, best ye be getting yer coat on as I’m going down the pub”.
She says “that’ll be swish, love ta for inviting me”.....
He says “Don’t be bluddy stoooopid woman, I didn't say you’re coming but I'll be turning off the heater off while I’m gone”
Jock walks in to a library in Glasgow and asks if he can get a book on suicide,
The librarian looks him up and down, then replies... Piss Off.
You canny bastard, you must think I’m bluddy stoopid I know you'll nay be bringing the book back!!!!
There was a knock on Jocks door in Glasgow, when he opened it he saw two well groomed smartly dressed young men and immediately thought they were plain clothes wallopers from the met. His suspicions were confirmed when one spoke out .
“Sorry to bother you sir, we would like to discuss with you about becoming a Jehova's Witness".
Jock, scratched his head, thought for a moment and said “Fook off the pair of youse, I didna even see the accident”.
Five pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember
1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on the 27 bus from Motherwell.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name and know where the fooker lives.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble and the bastard will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to beat the livin **** outta them wiv a broken bottle.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.
Mujibar was at his local call centre in Calcutta interviewing for a “Tech support” call centre a job to supplement
his meagre income from his other five jobs with Optus, Telstra, ANZ, NAB and Vodaphone.
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except
I am not of certainty your English is of sufficient goodness to be understood to our Australian customers.
So I require you to pass this one last test to convince me better.
“OK” said Mujibar “I am ready”.
The manager said, “I be wanting you to make a sentence using the English words Yellow, Pink and Green .”
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, “Mister manager, I am ready.”
The manager said, “Go ahead.”
Mujibar said, “The telephone goes green, green, green, green and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar what assisting can I do for you today?”'
Mujibar got the job and now works at a call centre.
You have probably spoken to him recently. I'm pretty sure I have.
A Indian bloke who had been living in Melbourne dies and goes to Heaven. .....
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....
"Yes?" asks St. Peter. .
"I am here for Jesus", says the Indian bloke.
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "Fantastic!!! How can you tell them apart?" He said:........
"Her brother's got a moustache."
IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG?
PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS
ABOUT OUR DOG!
“YES, HE MAULED SIX PEOPLE WEARING BURKAS,
FOURTEEN PEOPLE WEARING LONG BLACK BEARDS,( some were women i might add!!)
TWENTY THREE PEOPLE WEARING TURBANS,
NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR CRACK,
THREE FLAG BURNERS, AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.
FOR THE LAST TIME ... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !”
Some might think the dog joke is more sad than funny.
Sad if you think it's funny.
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.
When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor,
he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:
‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge,
but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town.
He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house:
gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:
‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:
‘No.’
As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.
Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.
What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.
I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.
Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will
"Bounce Back".
Just like it's cheques.
My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
Select to expand quoteGizmo said..
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.
When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor,
he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:
‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge,
but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town.
He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house:
gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:
‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:
‘No.’
As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.
Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.
What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.
I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.
Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will
"Bounce Back".
Just like it's cheques.
My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
Although funny for a split-second, these should perhaps go to "Heavy Weather".
Select to expand quoteGizmo said..
^^^ Oh please let's get PC!!!!! sorry hope you didn't choke on your souvlaki.
Lost Dog?? More like Lost Plot and Lost Sense of Humour!!
WELCOME to 2015:
• Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless
We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians are WORTHLESS !
I'm scared – ****less
The Last Penny
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three pennies to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the penny to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with The Internal Revenue Service" .
I saw an old man at the park feeding the birds .
And I thought i wonder how long he has been dead.
THE WIFE
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
King David
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sasha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question, which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Red Skelton
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken
to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm..
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer,
but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a
length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the
loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful
bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing
and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.
The moral of the story,
"When you're hung like a horse, You don't, need a Harley to pick up chicks!"
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung!” I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass.”
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.” She said, “You have the biggest penis of all your friends
Heard this the other night.
Yeah I'm married. I've got a trophy wife, yeah I came 3rd.
Apparently Adam Goodes is not allowed to drink anymore. It appears he can't handle his boo's
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the ****ing daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"
