Top Joke

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

On a recent trip to the U.S.A. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations due to his experiences in handling the Indigenous situation in Australia.

He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living.

At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.

A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **, it can no longer fly.

I've just found out I can still have sex at 74!

I am so happy because I live at 68, so it's not far to walk home . . .

A Priests Dying Wish

In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had
faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his
nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I
die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Treasurer Wayne Swan
would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Kevin commented to Wayne , "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and
might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN
IT". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kevin's hand in his
right hand and Wayne 's hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Kevin Rudd spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen,
why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after
our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Kevin. "Amen", said Wayne .

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would
like to do the same."

I came home the other day to find Fat Agnes in bed having sex with another guy,
I said"what the **** is going on here?!!!"
Fat Agnes looks at me then turns to the other bloke and says
"see i told you he was a bit slow"

At home the one day,when there's a knock on the door,
I open it only to see a snail on the doorstep.
He looks up and say's "i like a word with you please"
I pick him up and toss him over the fence.


Three years later there is a knock at the door,i look down to see the snail back on the doorstep'
He say's" what the **** was that about,throwing me over the fence"

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush....."

There is a distinction between Guts and Balls:


We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome........Both result in death.

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Kevin Rudd's clock?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

Last month the UN conducted a world-wide survey by phone.

The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure because of the following:


1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

A bloke was told by his wife to go to the shops and buy me some snails for tonights dinner party !
and dont you dare get it wrong or embarass me tonight , With that he heads off to the shops , on his way he passes the pub hmm might drop in for one , cant do any harm , he buys the snails and when returning to his car decides to drop in for one more , as hes about to leave a couple of his mates turn up and convince him to have one with them , before long the pubs almost empty but for the bloke and his mates , oh no i,ve gotta hit the toe he says finishing his fifteenth beer .
When he arrives home the guests are gone , he trips up the stairs and the snails scatter on the verandah .Just then his wife opens the door and demands to know where he,s been When he says pushing the snails forward Come on fellas almost there

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2008



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Subject: My best rugby moment?


The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes
on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure
barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.. I could see
she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a
sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and
sitting down.

She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my
hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never
felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to
play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd
of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up
and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her
top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert,
perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS
good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have.. In that game, we
were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The
Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught
it... I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off
a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over
their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about
2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had
a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed,
pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she
was wet !!!!

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a
perfect ****?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick...'

A Blonde phoning her Mum.

"Hi Mum, How are you?"

"Hi Julie, where are you? I thought you
were with your father at Bunnings."

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and
they've let me make one phone call."

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this Aboriginal woman in
the head."

"What on earth, why
did you do that?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told
me to find a Black & Decker."

Come on guys. Some of those last lot of jokes are at least a couple of years old.

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head and I'll give these two a lift.

And that one is old too.