Only a Farm Kid...
When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little bit different.
A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?" said the farmer.
"No mate, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No mate, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Hope this has not been posted earlier...
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyMelbourne" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Cocky gets on to a good deal at the show and brings home a rooster that is guaranteed to fertilise every hen he has.
Well he sets the bugger loose and blow me down, no flies on this ****er, it goes about systematically screwing every bird in the yard. When he has done with the hens he is into the ducks, then the geese, then the turkeys, even has a shot at the turkeys.
After a week of frantic sexual activity no domestic fowl remains a virgin.
The cocky comes out after lunch one day to find the rooster lying prone in the sun. He walks over to pick the bastard up thinking he'd shagged himself to death.
As he bends over the rooster opens one eye and says:
"Shhh! Vultures!"
POLITICAL SPIN (word smithy-ing way beyond 101 + a touch of the Blarney Stone)
AUSTRALIAN WAY
No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is VERY telling! It just all depends on how you look at same things.
Judy Rudd an amateur genealogy researcher in southern Queensland’s, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Prime Minister Kevin Rudd great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Gaol:
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Gaol 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
So Judy recently e-mailed Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle. Remus Rudd:
Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad.
Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
NOW That’s how it's done, Folks! 
I bought a new Prado but returned to the dealer last weekend because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Pink Floyd,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new Prado, but I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, 'Arsehole!'
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Australia, Mr. Kevin Rudd......."
Damn, I love this Prado...
Amish Farmer
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man
drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen
haben dahin gesheissen.'
(Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have **** in it.')
The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your
gibberish. Speak English, infidel!'
The Amish man says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more!!'
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where do you go if you dont want any wind.
sa of course.
wait....
thats not even a joke.
Whats the last thing Jesus said to the aboriginals before he left
Dont do anything till i get back 
A Cow, an Ant and an Asshole...
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> Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
Hear no speak no something missing 
An extract from Mills & Boon's latest novel.... With writing like this,
there really is no need for pictures....
"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.
Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.
As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.
She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered
""Baaaaaaaa Warnie"" and rejoined the flock."
This novel is only for sale in New Zealand , Australia , Wales , and certain parts of Cape Town .
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord.... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a labrador.
Fook off say's Mick,
have you seen how many of their owners go blind.
An american , englishman & irishman are trying their best to get into the olympics
and have tried each gate but are met with the same obstacle at each " No ticket no entry "
just then they see olympians being allowed through a side gate each stating their sport and country of origin . This gives the boys an idea and they head off to the shops
Later the american walks up wearing boxing gloves and with his accent is allowed through
Englishman rides up on a bike from a pawn shop and is granted admission
Irishman going for what he knows best turns up with star pickets a hammer and some wire , when challenged by security he states
Im paddy oleary i be representing Ireland in fencing
Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You have Male
New Words for 2010
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING..
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* TRAMP STAMP.
Tattoo on a female.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
Thats sum funny shiz rite their!!
What sort of cheese wold you use to coax a Grizzly from a cave?
Camembert
i'll get my coat
Paddy and Murphy are stood in a street in Dublin, arguing;
"dat globe in da sky is da mooon - i'm tellin ya" says Murphy.
"ya eejit, its da sun" argues Paddy.
Neither will yield and they argue for hours, until a stranger approaches. To conclude their argument they decide to ask the approaching stranger.
"scuse us mate" says Paddy "see dat dere in da sky, is dat da sun or is it da moon?"
to which the stranger replies
"I dun no, I'm not from round here"
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
A state policeman stopped a car full of nuns and asked the nun who was clutching the wheel if she knew how fast she was driving. She replied, "Yes, officer, I was going 20 mph." He asked her if she knew what the speed limit was on that road and she said, "It is 20 mph, I saw a sign a little way back that said so."
He said, "Sister, the speed limit is 65 mph, I stopped you because you were driving too slow. The sign that you saw a little way back was I-20 and that means this is Interstate 20." She apologized and explained that they didn't get out much and she didn't know that. He looked in the back seat and saw three nuns, pale as ghosts, sweating and clutching the seat in front of them. He asked, "What is wrong with them?"
She replied, "I just got off of I-95."
A group of Indians came to their chief and asked "Will it be a bad winter?" The chief, who was young, had not paid attention to the elders and did not know the signs. He told them to go start cutting firewood and he would tell them when they returned. He then snuck off and consulted the National Weather Service. He asked them, "Will it be a bad winter?"
"Probably," was the answer.
When the men returned the chief told them it would be a bad winter and to go cut more firewood. Just to be sure, the chief called the Weather Service again and asked, "Are you sure it's going to be a bad winter?"
"It looks like it," was the answer.
So when the woodcutters returned he again sent them out to cut more wood. Once more he called the Weather Service and asked, "Are you really sure it's going to be a bad winter?"
"Yes. A very bad winter," they said.
"How do you know?" asked the chief.
"Because the Indians are cutting wood like crazy!"
A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo, and in that particular location.
She responds; 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, You can smell the ocean'.
1.What’s the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....
Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Sunday was completely s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa without catching anything.
In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 ar****les being regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.
I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily have beaten...... I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.
The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning: "It’s so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible," said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.
FIFA have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.
What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.
Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."
The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way into the dressing room.
OXO launched there new cube yesterday. It is wrapped in white foil with a red cross on it.
They have called it 'laughing stock'
i said to my wife "you have got no tits and a tight box "
she said "get off my back"
A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie
bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the
spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no
answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate!
Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realizing the little foreign fellow had misunderstood
him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No ! no ! mate,
Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers
in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin in bed wirra wife's sista!"
