Did you hear about the Harp Seal that walked into a Club??
------------------------------
I have a parachute for sale, no strings attached.
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
This already drunk guy arrive into this big pub and asks for a beer. The barman looks at him and says "sorry mate but I can't serve a drunk person". The guys a bit pissed off leaves the pub, turns around the corner and comes back in the another door. He asks for a beer again, but same, the barman turns him down.
The drunk guy leaves again and turns in the street and find another door to the same pub.
When he asks for a beer the barman gets upset and says "listen mate, I keep telling you that I can't serve you, you are too drunk".
So he looks at him with his blurry eyes: "Ok man, I get it, but at how many bloody bars are you working at ?"
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated at algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blownapart.
And if you jumped off the bridge in Paris you'd be in Seine.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were feeling chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was fined for littering.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
There was this guy who sent lots of puns to friends hoping that at least one in ten would give them a laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
Thanks folks! I've got a million of them! Well, maybe ten. 
Two nuns from abroad have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, one of the nuns points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.” One of them opens the foil and begins to blush.
Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be a Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!”
The nun says, “OK, pull into the next alley.” He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m a Baptist.”
The nun says, “That’s OK, I'm on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin.”
I was testing children in my Dublin
Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I
asked them,
'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all
my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
>
> ' NO!' the children answered.
>
' If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
> everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
>
> Again, the answer was 'NO!'
>
> By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind
> to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my
husband,
> would that get me into heaven?
>
> Again, they all answered 'NO!'.
>
> I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued,
>
> Then how can I get into heaven?'
>
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."
>
It's a curious race, the Irish.
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat.
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!"
A Womans dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it & saves its life.
'Are you a vet' asked the woman.
'Vet?' said the German 'Im F*****g soaked!'
What about the young German doing his first shift at the german coast guard. He's receiving a call
" May day, May day, we are sinking".
His answer :" What are you sinking about ?"
A bloke walks into a Norwegian chemist. He askes for a deodorant. The chemist says 'ball or aerosol?' the bloke answers 'neider, its me armpits'
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together
in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk
if they had condoms.
'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave one to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?
If Gypsy can so can I!
Bear went into a bar and proceeded to get himself well and truly blotto. At the end of his night he gets into a blue and is ejected forcefully from the bar by the two Maori bouncers who have to drag him away after he latches on to the counter with his teeth.
He saunters in again later in the week and is told by the barman that he is barred for life for unruly behaviour and being on drugs.
" A bit pissed, yeah, but what is this drugs ****e?" he exclaims.
"It is about the bar bit you ate" is the reply
Paddy, one of the little people, is planning to marry, he is, he is.
So he goes to visit the King of the little people and asks him how he could tell if his bride- to -be is still a virgin,
The King says "Aye Paddy, to be sure, all Irish humans use 3 things for what they call " a do -it - yourself virginity test kit",
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel.
Paddy asks, "Aye, and to be sure, what do I do with these things oh King?"
The King of the fairies replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, ya paint 1 of your balls red and the other blue and if she says "Thats the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...........
You hit her with the shovel!!"
At a wedding, a little girl asked her her mother:
"Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life!" Her mother explained, trying to keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then asked, loudly:
"So why's the groom wearing black?"
BIG DADDY AND SON SHARK FOUND A BOAT THAT HAD SUNK.
HEAPS OF PEOPLE WERE SWIMMING AROUND THE BOAT.
DADDY SHARK SAID ,
"FOLLOW ME SON,AND I WILL SHOW YOU WHAT TO DO".
THE BIG DADDY SHARK CIRCLES ONCE WITH IS FIN HALF WAY OUT OF THE WATER.
BIG DADDY SHARK THEN CIRCLES AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME WITH HIS FIN COMPLETLY OUT OF THE WATER CIRCLING CLOSER TO ITS PREY .
BIG DADDY SHARK THEN TURNS TOWARDS THE PEOPLE IN THE WATER AND GOBBLES THEN ALL UP.
SON SHARK WAS FOLLOWING AND WATCHING CLOSELY AND THEN ASKS
"WHY THEY HAD TO CIRCLING SO MUCH SHOWING THEIR FINS"
DADDY SHARK REPLIES
" SON THEY TASTE SO MUCH BETTER WITH ALL THE **** OUT OF THEM"
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move,lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy
trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
"What the feck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejasus out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT:
1. RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
2. TIME TRAVEL. “If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
3. LOGIC. “Because I said so, that's why.”
4. MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”
5. IRONY. “Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.”
6. THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
7. CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
8. STAMINA. “You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
9. WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
10. HYPOCRISY. “If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!”
11. THE CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
12. BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”
13. ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
14. ESP. “Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you are cold?”
15. HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
16. GENETICS. “You're just like your father.”
17. MY ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
18. JUSTICE. “One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven,at the pearly gates St Peter greets him and tells him,"you have been a great guy and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile changed the world!!,,as a reward you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
Ford thinks for a moment and says " I want to hang out with God"
St Peter takes him into a room and introduces him to God.
Ford then asks God" when you invented women,what were you thinking?"
God reply's "what do you mean?"
Ford says "You have some major design flaws in your invention"
1;There's to much front end protrusion.
2;It chatters way to much at high speeds
3;Maintenance is extremely high
4;It constantly needs repainting and refinishing
5;It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days
6;The rear end wobbles too much
7;The intake is placed to close to the exhaust
8; The headlights are usually too small
9;Fuel consumption is outrageous
just to name a few
God ponders this for a moment ,then heads over to his Celestial Supercomputer,types a few keystrokes,and waits for the results.with the printout in his hand he turns to Henry and replies
"My invention maybe flawed,but according to these stats,more men are riding my invention than yours"
"COMEBACK OF THE YEAR"
A man boarded a plane with six kids. (Gutsy guy!)
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY!
SPEEDING IN OREGON
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.
In a recent survey into blowjobs,and why men like it so much,
6% liked the feeling
12% liked the excitement
and
82% just liked the ****ing silence
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big
blue hair."
One day a young boy asked his dad what the difference was between realistically and theoretically. "Well," said his dad, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for $100,000."
"What?" replied the young boy.
"Just go ask her." He instructed.
So a while later the boy comes back and tells his father that his mother would sleep with the milkman for $100,000.
His father then tells him to go ask his older sister if she would sleep with the baker for $100,000.
Awhile later the boy returns to tell his father that yes indeed his sister would sleep with the baker for $100,000, to which his father explains, " OK, theoretically we're sitting on $200,000 here, realistically we're living with a couple of whores."
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, **** mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"
"I don't know" he blubbers...
"...but you can bet your 4rse it won't be f**king Coco Pops!"
The 100 MPH Goat
>
> Two Texas rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they
> come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by
> the size of it.
>
> The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the
> bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
>
> The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and
> listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
>
> The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here,
> give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up
> and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the
> hole.
>
> They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they
> hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see
> a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no
> hesitation, jump in head first.
>
> While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the
> hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer
> walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to
> see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
>
> The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just
> standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes
> doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole
> here!"
>
> The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a
> transmission!"
I was just looking at my house on Google Streetview and I saw my wife through the window in the front room, shagging the milkman.
It was only after I'd bludgeoned her to death that I realised that the image was two years old.
When I used to be a milkman.
Dave is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,
"Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Dave, "your brother's 103 years old. He can't help."
"He may be 103," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Dave heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Dave.
"I don't remember."
