An Irishman arrived at Mascot Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
“No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?”
“The cork fell out,” said the Irishman.
A stockman from North Queensland attends a social function
where Prime Minister Julia is speechifying.
Clearly the stockman was not paying much attention,
yackking with those closest and even quite far away.
Julia endeavoured to attract his interest with slower single syllable words.
As she was doing that, she kept swatting at
some flies that were buzzing around her head.
The stockman says, "Yer havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Julia stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called,
but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well ma'am," the stockman replies, "Circle flies hang around
these parts a lot. They're called circle flies because they're almost
always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Julia replies and resumes rambling.
But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks,
"Are you calling me a horse's arse?"
"No, ma'am," the stockman replies,
"I have too much respect for the citizens of this country
to call their Prime Minister a horse's arse."
"Thank you for that respectful explanation," Julia responds
and resumes rambling once more.
And the stockman adds slowly ...
"Hard to fool them flies, though."
get on extremely well with the lesbians next door..
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch." 
Famous last words from Surfers
* What's the worst that could happen?
* It doesn't look that big.
* It's a little big for a beginner, but you'll do fine!
* You catch this one, I'll be right behind you.
* So this is how tow in surfing is done!
* Let's both go, this wave is big enough for two people!
* Let's see who can hold their breath the longest!
* I'm a traditionalist, leashes are for wimps.
* You mean you replace your leash every year?
* Check this out, I'm gonna' take off fins first!
* Let me have this wave, would you? My girlfriend is watching from the beach.
* It's safe to sleep in the beach; just like the old days.
Things You Always Wanted to Say to Another Surfer
*
I want to send my condolences to your wife. Every woman makes a mistake now and then.
*
Thanks for wasting another wave. . . how many is that?
*
Yes, you got 500 waves with your big board. . . now maybe you should try a turn or something.
*
What were you thinking when you bought a board with five fins?
*
I saw you kook-out on that last wave— I’m just pretending like I didn’t see it out of courtesy.
Why You’re Late Coming Home
*
I tried to make it on time, but the interviews took longer than expected.
Before Paddling Out
*
Please don’t let the reporters know I’m here. I hate when they follow me around.
*
Is that Matt Ambrose? I’ve gotta’ move North, he’s always bugging me for advice.
*
If I don’t come back, you can have my dog.
*
Alert the media, I’ll be at the Pier.
When Going for the Impossible Wave
*
Hey, watch this!
*
Banzai!
*
If I don’t make it, you can have my lawn mower!
*
Why am I doing this?
After a Great Wipeout
*
Damn, I hate it when the seals grab your leash.
*
Please help me kill the witnesses.
*
Is it your first day too?
*
Did I at least get a 10 for artistic expression?
*
I knew I shouldn’t have had group sex last night.
After a Good Wave
*
Now that I’ve shown you how, its your turn.
*
Please, no autographs in the line up.
*
Must of fired some 20 year old neurons.
*
Do you suppose I’ll be able to do that again in my lifetime?
*
What happened there?
*
Sure glad I had my Viagra last night.
*
If someone got my picture, I’m quitting surfing while I’m ahead.
When the Surf is Horrible
*
Let me ask you. . . Why?
*
Is there a reason we’re out here?
*
This is desperation surfing.
*
Is it still considered surfing when you don’t catch any waves?
*
You know, golf sounds pretty good right now.
*
I left a wife and a warm bed for this?
*
Just shoot me and get it over with.
When You Drop in On Your Bro’
*
If you can’t drop in on your friends, who can you drop in on?
*
That’s a payback for 1992 when you dropped in on me.
Bill and Ben the flower pot men are just leaving the pub, when Ben turns to bill and says, " weeee topppp toppppp weeee. Bill turns to Ben and says, Fu.k your pissed.
A train hits a bus-load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all trying to enter heaven via the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched one with the
tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water
and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you
ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant
but replies, "Well once I held one." St. Peter says,
"OK,dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the
gate."
Suddenly there is a commotion in the line, one girl is pushing her way
to the front.
St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do
it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it.
THREE DOGS AT THE VET...
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said >> " So why are you here ? "
The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night
when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, " So what?s the vet going to do ? "
" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?"
The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral $ex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her
Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving messages about my dog after it savaged to death 3 muslims, 2 abbos and an indian taxi driver.
For the last time, he is NOT for sale !!
Oh, this is good!
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one, you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.
This is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please let me die .... Pleeeeaze . But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS
A professor at the University of British Columbia was giving a lecture
on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject,
the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
'Do you know what your a@@hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom...
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert .
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women.Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges',
so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!
Passenger: "Who?"
Brian Sullivan. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam a tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and change a fuse, I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died,. I'm married to his f****ing' widow."
this really works!
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.
Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
Said...
You'll love this...
I know you will...
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
UK CLASSIFIED ADS
Classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. Newspaper:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am.
and is asked where he is going at
this time of night.
The man relies,
"I am going to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body".
The officer then asks,
"Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies,
"My wife."
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration...
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday,
And I got him an iPhone.
He just loved it.
Who wouldn't?
I celebrated my birthday in July,
And my wife made me very happy
When she bought me an iPad.
My daughter's birthday was in August
So I got her an iPod Touch.
September came by so for her birthday
I got my wife an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started......
What the wife failed to recognise is that the iRon
Can be integrated into the home network with
The iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
Your going to love the Dad's reply:
To this his father replied
'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'
A fella gets marooned on a deserted tropical island with Elle McPherson. She is his absolute dream woman so naturally he has a crack at chatting her up, but is rejected.
This goes on for a few months but eventually with no chance of rescue she gives in and says she's horny, so why not.
They do it every night for months, in every imaginable position and it is awesome for him. A dream come true.
One night he says to her "hey, you know that suitcase that washed up from the wreckage? It has clothes in it and I want you to dress up for me."
She agrees and he says "well it is guy's clothes but that it part of the thing I want you to do. Dress up like a man. Really manly looking"
She begrudgingly agrees, thinking it is really weird. After dressing up as a man, Elle says "OK so you wanna do it?"
The fella says "No, just walk down the beach"
She walks off and every time she looks back, he says "Don't look back at me, just keep walking"
Elle thinks it is really weird but keeps walking.
After about 30sec the guy starts running after her. Once he catches her...
He says "Mate! Mate! You will never guess who I'm f^&*ing!!!!!"
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our
facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a fortnight. I fart 10 times a day!!'
A husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
Wife: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'
Husband: 'Definitely not!'
Wife: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
Husband: 'Of course I do.'
Wife: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
Husband: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
Wife: ' You would? (with a hurt look)
Husband: Groans
Wife: 'Would you live in our house?'
Husband: 'Sure. It's a great house.'
Wife: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
Husband: 'Where else would we sleep?'
Wife: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
Husband: 'Probably. It is almost new.'
Wife: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
Husband: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'
Wife: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
Husband: 'No.. I'm sure she'd want her own.'
Wife: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'
Husband: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'
Wife: 'Would she use my clubs?'
Husband: 'No. She's left-handed.'
Wife: - silence -
Husband: ' . . . ****.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man & his Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy."He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On his 69th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation,
handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he would be
getting.
The old medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, said some
words in his native language and handed it to him, and with a grip on
his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be
respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'."
"When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been
in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do
I stop the medicine from working?
The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4.' But when
she does the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and
said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife became very excited and began throwing off her clothes. And
then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition, because you could end up with a dangling
participle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ear Infection
This is so true!
They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
A Jewish grandmother takes her three-year-old grandson to the beach. She's watching him play in the sand at the water's edge when a huge wave suddenly washes up over the beach. When the water recedes, the little boy is gone. The grandmother stands up, shakes her fist at the sky, and yells, "How could you take him? He was so young! He had so much promise! He was so innocent! How could you take him?"
With that, another huge wave washes up onto the beach. When the water recedes, there's the little boy playing in the sand, completely dry and untouched. The grandmother looks back up at the sky and yells, "He was wearing a hat."
The five-year-old wanted to caddy for his dad.
You’ve got to be able to count my strokes,” the father said to the boy. “How much is six plus nine plus seven?”
“Five,” the boy said.
“Okay,” the father said. “Let’s go.”
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to h-e-l-l.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to h-e-l-l.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter is and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
The ATO decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office.
The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandad's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
