Select to expand quotePitbull said..
A Short Story
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman
who did not nag, whine or b!tch.
But it was a long time ago, and it was just
that one day.
The End.
One whole day?!
C'mon, that's so unbelievable it spoils the joke.
A man was sitting on a blanket on the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland,
were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scots woman came to him and said,
"'ave ya ever been f*cked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."
TEXAS HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns &Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in a few minutes or so. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
A red neck is hooting down the road next to the levee bank in his flash pick up truck with whip arials and ten spot lights across the roof and gets pulled up by the local deputy in his flash pick up truck with whip arials and ten spot lights across the roof.
Deputy says "You got any I D?" in a broad southern accent.
Red neck says " 'Bout what?"
What to do if your girlfriend is over weight:
Tell her to walk 10km daily and by the end of the week she'll be 70km away..
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets' and only ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favourite rooster, Tony, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed ol Tony’s bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, Tony the sneaky bastard had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of Tony, he entered him in the Cheltenham Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Tony the " No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Tony was a politician of the ‘Old School’. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.
I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate,
"I won't be in here long."
He replied,
"Well the judge did give you 6 years."
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a f***ing sentence before.
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 am and he was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today..........Now it just goes from bad to worse!
I know you only want to do what's best for the business," I said to my boss, "but I really don't like being taken out of my comfort zone."
He said, "For **** sake, Rupe, get out of bed and get your arse to work immediately."
My girlfriend dumped me because I'm schizophrenic............ "It's not me, it's me," I said to myself.
If Islam is the religion of peace, then homeopathy is the medicine of science...
I unknowingly employed a member of the Islamic fundamentalist political movement in Afghanistan to sort fruit at my warehouse.
Now the other staff won't stop singing, "Come Mr. Taliban, tally me banana..."
Me and the lads at work were having a great laugh today drawing caricatures of Mohammed, but Akhmed didn't join in. He said he'll be back tomorrow with something to blow us all away. It must be a bloody good drawing if he's working overnight on it.
Bankstown Council have amended their 1 to 5 rated customer survey to a new 0 to 5 rating. Residents are now routinely asked how they feel about the service they've received ... 5. Extremely Satisfied, 4. Satisfied, 3. Average, 2. Dissatisfied, 1. Extremely Dissatisfied, 0. Arson Attack Rampage and Decapitation.
A Police officer said he would write me a summons for not having hubcaps on my car. I told him that's not against the law. He wrote me for indecent exposure. He said my nuts were showing.
Me and two of me mates were at the pub last night when three of these feminist Nazi’s came in. Anyway Johhno who’s a bit of a laugh started talking to them. As the beers flowed and the masculine/feminist banter got heavier the biggest butchest one of the three suddenly jumped up and banged her substantial fist on the bar and snarled “Anything you three wankers can do – So can we”. “Bull****” said Johnno. “Kern oath we can” snarled Butch. Quick as a flash Johnno ducked into the dunny and came out with the mop bucket, placed it on the floor and like lightening Johnno, Robbo and meself whipped out our willies and peed in the bucket. Johnno smiled and said, “Let’s see the three of you Piss in that bucket at the same time and not spill a drop then”.
If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational
..... the Blood Bank ...... and ..... the Sperm Bank!
And before you know it, these two will merge and the
whole place will be full of bloody wankers...
Finally God had finished creating the Earth and he was sitting back admiring his work when St Peter came along. "What ist this thing that thou hast created?" (cos St Peter spoke like that).
God said, it is a planet & I shall call it Earth. It is a thing of beauty and wonder, but most of all it is a thing of balance, for there must always be balance in creation. How so? asks St Peter.
Well, says God, see down here there you have North America & South America - a balance of rich and poor. See how the Earth is cold at the Poles and hot at the Equator, another balance.
What is this small piece of land in the Southern Ocean? asks St Peter.
Ah, said God, this is my best work ever. This land is called Australia and it is a land of rich natural beauty, where the land and seas teem with unique wildlife. The people who populate this land are friendly, welcoming and handsome. In short, this land is perfect.
But, says St Peter, what of this balance you spoke of. A land this perfect must have a balance.
Ah, said God, with a twinkle in his eye, wait till you see their neighbours!
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.
My wife treats me like a God...
...she hardly ever acknowledges me except for when she wants something.
While strolling round the Gardens and Wooloomooloo near Sydney Harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed an Islamic terrorist slip from near Garden Island dockyard and fall into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the NSW Police, Sydney Maritime, the Dept of Immigration Office and even the NSW Fire Brigade.
It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned and none of the authorities have yet responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.
A husband goes to the police to report that his wife is missing
Husband : My wife is missing, she went shopping yesterday and has not come home
Cop : What is her height ?
Husband : Gee I'm not sure, a little over 5 feet maybe
Cop : What is her weight ?
Husband : Don't know, not fat, not skinny
Cop : Colour of eyes ?
Husband : Never noticed
Cop : Colour of hair ?
Husband : Dunno, it changes a few times a year, maybe dark brown
Cop : What was she wearing ?
Husband : Could have been a skirt or shorts, I don't recall
Cop : What type of car did she go in ?
Husband : She went in my truck
Cop : And what type of truck is it ?
Husband :A brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with Eco - Boost
5.0 L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom white matching
cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and Bubba floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch.
DVD navigation, 28 channel CB radio.
Six cup holders and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off road Michellins.
Oh, and the wife put a small scratch in the drivers door.
At this point the husband started choking up
Cop : Hey don't worry buddy, we'll find your truck.
Doesn’t take long.
PILLOW TALK:
"Oh I say Queenie, isn't it jolly dashed decent of that colonial chappie to give me a knighthood?"
"Oh yes rather Philly. Isn't he the chap the Orstralians say is a badger smuggler.
It makes one think why on earth would one want to smuggle a badger?"
"Oh yes Queenie - it does sound a frightful bore. The dashed thing is that we will have to give him a title in return."
"I know Philly - we can make him a knight of the order of the Royal Brown Nose."
"A jolly capital idea Queenie - we can dub him 'Sir Pository'."
"Oh that is super Philly - I am slightly amused."
Advice from a wise man....
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that
the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends
is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex
anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the
woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson,
Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will
grab whatever is available.
AND
5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it
sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for
the docks once more,
for old times sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks.
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting
your money back.'
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.
For many years he suffered from an overwhelming desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up.
He advised Yossel not to do it and that he would eventually find peace of mind.
The very next day, Yossel decided not to heed the advice, but to give in to his desire.
He came home from work very early that day.
His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts, only to find a normal, intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "She got fired, too."
A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get
A group of guys notice his condition and decided to be good Samaritans and take him home
First they stand him up to get his wallet to find out where he lives, but he kept falling down
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud
After getting to his house he falls down another four times before they get him to the door
His wife answers the door and one of the good Samaritans says " we've brought your husband home "
The wife replies " oh thank you, but where is his wheelchair ? "
Bloke walks into a bar in the NT outback, asks about the "free drinks for life" special advertised on the board.
Barman says: "Ya gotta drink two bottles of straight OP rum.
Then ya gotta go out back and pull my pet salty's rotten tooth.
Then ya gotta go upstairs and throw one up Horrible Harriet, the oldest and ugliest prostitute in the NT, and ya gotta make her come.
Do it all in one hour and still be standing at the end, ya drink free here for life."
Bloke decides to give it a go. He knocks off the rum in 20 minutes, staggers out back to the croc pond.
After half an hour of thrashing and screaming, he's back, covered in blood and bruises.
"Right, where'sh that old whore with the bad tooth?!"
Select to expand quoteMark _australia said..
Might have to rename the thread "old joke" 
At least it is a joke
Why I'm Divorced
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...they will remember.
My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there.
on the couch.
naked.
Local police found a bloke dead in his car, wearing fishnet stockings, a garter belt, high heels, a blonde wig, purple lipstick, an NQ Cowboys t-shirt, with a vibrator stuck up his date. To avoid embarrassment to his family, they got rid of the t-shirt.
The train was quite crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog.
'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American
should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem
to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the
wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
and now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the
window'.
This letter was sent to the Broken Hill High School Principal's office in Broken Hill, outback Australia after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today...
Dear Broken Hill High School ,
God bless you for the beautiful wireless I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the St Anne's Nursing Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own wireless; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her wireless fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f@#k off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna
