A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Aer lingus" was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Aer Lingus?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to me .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Aer Lingus's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to Premier Class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a multi million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who f***ed up your hair?"
Select to expand quotePaddles B'mere said..
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Aer lingus" was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Aer Lingus?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to me .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Aer Lingus's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to Premier Class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a multi million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who f***ed up your hair?"
Really ?????
That was posted on page 75 
True ................... sorry Crusoe you've got dibs on that one, I didn't check that too well 
Select to expand quotePaddles B'mere said..
True ................... sorry Crusoe you've got dibs on that one, I didn't check that too well
No problems Paddles, I like the joke and enjoyed reading it again 
Select to expand quoteCraig66 said..
Really ?????
That was posted on page 75
No, the airline was Continental on page 75.
The missus sent me off to Woolies to get a cucumber for the salad.
I got the biggest one there was. Bought a big tube of KY lube as well. Didn't want the checkout chick to think I'm a bloody vegan.
Select to expand quotebazz61 said..
warning a bit rough..
Oh my thats not the book i read
The new owner of a small mine started out with just 3 employees, a German, a Jew and a Chinese and he called them all together for a kickoff meeting.
He said to the German "you Germans are very hard working, so you dig the ore." Then he turned to the Jewish guy and said "you Jews are very smart businessmen, so you keep the books." Then he turned to the Chinese guy and said "you Chinese are very good clerks, so you are in charge of supplies." Does everyone understand their jobs? "Yes sir, the three replied. "fine" said the owner, "I will be back in two weeks to see how you're doing".
Two weeks later he comes back and see the German and the Jew. "How are things going?" he asked. "Great, says the German, "I have set a record for the amount of ore mined in 2 weeks." "Also great" says the Jew. "We have set a record for the amount of ore sold and all the books are balanced and the money collected." "What about the Chinese guy?" the owner asked. "We don't know" the two replied. "He went right into the mine after you left 2 weeks ago and we haven't seen him since.""Oh my God" the owner replied. "He may be hurt down there. We have to go find him." So down in the mine they go and as they are winding around one curve after another, the Chinese guy jumps out and yells "supplies!"
...the joke above is somewhat dated. I was waiting for a modern twist where the Chinese guy becomes the new owner and the german and jew are out of job as he's hired party members family and friends...
Select to expand quote Advice needed: My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I've hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I should just put them in the roof.
So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the "I'm afraid of the dark" or "I don't like it up here - there are spiders" really got on my nerves. Any other suggestions?
Bob gets busted for bestiality. Farmer caught him doing the nasty with a prize goat.
Bob asks his mate about a lawyer. Mate tells him there's only two lawyers in town, one's very respectable and very expensive, and the other's a drunken bum who works cheap. He's a crap lawyer but a genius at jury selection.
Bob goes with the cheap drunk lawyer.
Jury's selected, Bob's lawyer is pissed and nodding off, and the prosecutor calls the farmer as a witness.
"I saw that man having carnal relations with my goat. When he was finished and pulled out, the goat turned around and licked him clean!"
Jury foreman turns to the other jurors and says "A good goat will do that, every time", and they all started nodding and agreeing.......
Receptionist: "Doctor there's a man in the waiting room who claims he's invisible, what do we do with him?"
Doctor: "Tell him I can't see him today"
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow "Mind if I say a word?". She says "Please do". The man clears his throat and says "Bargain!".
The widow replies "Thanks. That means a great deal".
25 Reasons why some men might have 2 dogs but not 2 wives:
1. The later you are getting home, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get a point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or your desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
24. Dogs are not allowed in David Jones or Myers.
25. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
I was chatting to a guy at barbie the other night and discovered he was worth around $14 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich.
Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell.
He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.
He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit. He then used the money to buy another and so on. He did this over and over for the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again various Land Rovers.
He moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years.
Even during the really bad times he kept at it,
working long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.
Then his uncle died and left him $14 million.
Select to expand quoteAn Octopus goes into a bar and says:
"I can play any musical instrument going!"
Someone gives him a guitar and he starts to play like Jimi Hendrix.
The bartender motions to the piano, which he sits in front of and promptly starts playing, better than Elton John.
A Scotsman tosses him a set of Bagpipes. The Octopus fumbles around for a couple of minutes.
The Scotsman says "what's wrong...can ye' not play it?"
The Octopus says:
"Play it!?! I'm gonna' screw her brains out once I figure out how to get her pajamas off!"
A young man is waiting for a lift in a 3rd floor corridor of a nice hotel. Just then the door opposite the lift opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde bombshell wearing only a short silk dressing gown.
She walks over to him undoes the gown and lets it fall open to reveal her beautiful naked body. Just as she is about to speak a door down the hall opens. She runs to her door motions to him to follow and says " quick follow me I hear some one coming"
Once inside the room she completely drops the gown to the floor and standing naked asks him "tell me what do you think is the best part of my body". He stammers a bit and replies " I would have to say it's your ears". She says " My ears, why would you think my ears are the best part of my body". He replies "Well you know when we were in the hall and you said you heard someone coming, well that was me".
I've Just arrived home after seeing a good friend take his last, I was honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, survived many armed patrols and, erm spirited exchanges in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash that left his bike a mangled piece of scrap iron.
At the hospital, just before he went, he beckoned me toward him. He couldn't speak due to the pipes and tubes taking life preserving fluids and oxygen to him, so I moved closer as he pointed to his mouth. I said I didn't know what he wanted and asked if he could write it down. He nodded vigorously so I passed him some paper from his bedside cabinet and took the pen from my pocket. Unfortunately, as he was writing, he stopped, the machine that he was attached to started to make that ominous monotone that tells you it's all over. The paper dropped from his hand as the nurses rushed in and tried in vain to revive him but all to no avail. He now knew all the answers to all the questions ever asked, including the ultimate. I returned to my car in the car park with a heavy heart, trying to avoid looking into the faces of the mixed patients, visitors and hospital workers.
I got to the car without breaking down and as I fumbled for my keys I rediscovered the note from my recently deceased mate. By now it was all crumpled up so I attempted to iron it out on the dashboard. It just looked like gibberish so I returned it to my coat pocket.
I'm now home and was about to throw it away but the thought hit me. It might be some sort of final message with hidden importance, there are no spaces between the words; it just appears to be a jumble of letters.
I've decided to share it on Geekbook to see if anyone can decipher it. I've never been any good at anagrams or conundrums so here it is in its entirety. (I'm not sure whether he finished before he shuffled from our mortal coil)
It says: 'GETOFFMY****INGOXYGENPIPEYOUFAT****
A young army officer joined his regiment for the first time. The colonel said welcome Smithers-Brown I will talk you through the recreational activities here, Monday is bridge night; I'm sorry sir Don't play bridge ............... well Tuesday night is video horse racing when we have a sweepstake; I'm sorry sir I don't gamble ....................... On Wednesday we all go for horse ride across country; I'm sorry sir I don't ride .................................. Oh dear well on Thursday night it's band practice; I'm sorry sir I don't play any instrument ....................... oh gosh, well on Friday night we all sit round and tell jokes; I'm sorry sir I don't know any jokes ................................... Well you'll enjoy Saturday nights because we invite the local nurses up for a dance; I'm sorry sir but I really can't dance for toffee ....................................... Good God man you're not gay are you? No sir I am not ..................... Damn that rules out Sunday !
What's the difference between a Harley-Davidson and a Hoover? ....The Hoover has only one dirtbag.
The Pope, Ayatollah and Trump are sitting in the waiting room for Hell.
"I never thought to see you here", says the Pope to the Ayatollah. "What happened?"
"It seems the Allah was very serious about not eating pork, I had bacon once, just to see why you enjoy it. How about you?"
"Same, pretty much. I lay down with a woman, just once."
They both turn to Trump, to see what his story is. "Who, me? I built the place and I'm just here to collect the rent."
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to
Exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black bra, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra,
Heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we
Had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Last night I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off, when my wife said: "You really spoil those dogs."
