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Las Vegas Lady
A man is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How Much?"
The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The man says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly,
"I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."
The hooker says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos
across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow
jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying
a new car for another year or so, and says,
"Sign me up."
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than
before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole
city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
Damn!" says the guy in awe "You own the whole city?"
The hooker says, "No. But I would ... .. . If I had a pussy!"
Paddy: "I've been dating twins recently."
Mick: "Really, how do you tell them apart?"
Paddy: "It's easy, Julie's got blonde hair and Derek's got a moustache."
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea ?Well I've never had a lentil on my chest.
NEW YORK CITY, NY - Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic has been declared the champion of the 2022 US Open, as all the other contestants have died suddenly of mysterious heart attacks.
US Open Chair Patrick Galbraith made the announcement this morning as the last player was carted away in an ambulance."
Welp, I guess that just leaves the anti-vax guy, since he's the only tennis player still alive," said Galbraith to reporters. "Novak Djokovic is the 2022 winner of the US Open!"
This year's tournament had been eventful, with matches frequently being interrupted by sudden trips to the emergency room and random deaths due to heart inflammation and massive blood clots.
According to sources, the controversial determination was made after the only two remaining contestants, Matteo Berrettini and Casper Ruud, both clutched their chests in their second match and fell over.
"We can't begin to explain why these healthy young athletes are dying, but we believe it must have something to do with either global warming or racism," said Galbraith.
"We would like to congratulate Djokovic for the incredible win he achieved by just surviving this mysterious plague."
Unfortunately, Djokovic was not allowed in the award ceremony to receive his trophy due to his unvaccinated status.
Select to expand quotePcdefender said..
NEW YORK CITY, NY - Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic has been declared the champion of the 2022 US Open, as all the other contestants have died suddenly of mysterious heart attacks.
US Open Chair Patrick Galbraith made the announcement this morning as the last player was carted away in an ambulance."
Welp, I guess that just leaves the anti-vax guy, since he's the only tennis player still alive," said Galbraith to reporters. "Novak Djokovic is the 2022 winner of the US Open!"
This year's tournament had been eventful, with matches frequently being interrupted by sudden trips to the emergency room and random deaths due to heart inflammation and massive blood clots.
According to sources, the controversial determination was made after the only two remaining contestants, Matteo Berrettini and Casper Ruud, both clutched their chests in their second match and fell over.
"We can't begin to explain why these healthy young athletes are dying, but we believe it must have something to do with either global warming or racism," said Galbraith.
"We would like to congratulate Djokovic for the incredible win he achieved by just surviving this mysterious plague."
Unfortunately, Djokovic was not allowed in the award ceremony to receive his trophy due to his unvaccinated status.
Which bit was the joke bit? Clearly an antivaxxer, but its not even funny as it hasn't happened.
Are we going to get a lot of 'we are sorry' apologies in a few years when the fearful predictions of everyone vaccinated being dead just doesn't happen?
Thanks for doing your bit for the community.
Select to expand quoteFormulaNova said..
Are we going to get a lot of 'we are sorry' apologies in a few years when the fearful predictions of everyone vaccinated being dead just doesn't happen?
Select to expand quote
JUST IMAGINE.
If you had bought $1000 worth of Qantas shares one year ago.
You would have made $49.00 today.
If you had bought $1000 worth of AIG shares one year ago.
You would have made $33.00 today.
If you had bought $1000 worth of Lehman Brothers Shares one year ago.
You would have made $0.00 today.
BUT .... If you purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer
then returned the cans for recycling.
You would have made $214.00 today.
So based on above ,the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily and recycle !!
AND DID YOU KNOW......
A recent study found that the average Australian walks 900 miles a year.
Another study found the average Australian consumes 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.
That means on average AUSSIES get 41 miles to the gallon.
MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE, DOESN'T IT??
Select to expand quoteFormulaNova said..
Which bit was the joke bit? Clearly an antivaxxer, but its not even funny as it hasn't happened.
Jokes don't need to happen to be funny. If this had actually happened it would be a news report, not a joke, and there'd be very little to laugh about. Situational or anecdotal humour, such as this joke, is often used to lessen the tension in a serious environment and can be factual or fiction. One of the most common elements of humour is a sense of the absurd, often delivered through hyperbole or exaggeration, which is clearly the case here. Also, jokes are even funnier when they mix a number of humorous elements. In the case of this joke, there are potential hints of sarcasm and the nice addition of irony in the final line which is cleverly delivered with an element of surprise, making it quite funny. It may easily have been written as a parody by someone with a sense of humour on either side of the vaccination fence, or given the extreme and obviously unbelievable events depicted in the joke, it could even have been intended as a piece of self-deprecating humour by an anti-vaxxer. Overall, plenty to laugh at here for everyone, IMHO. 
BTW, did you hear about the mathematician that was scared of negative numbers... she'd stop at nothing to avoid them.
Select to expand quoteHarrow said..
BTW, did you hear about the mathematician that was scared of negative numbers... she'd stop at nothing to avoid them.
Okay, now that's a joke. Not PCdefenders usual stuff.
If I am driving an electric car and run over somebody will I be charged with battery??
I can give you a variant on that on the spot.
If my EV runs out of power in a no stopping zone can I be charged with anything?
PS, Just in case it is funny, can you repost that heavily nested joke from yesterday?
Select to expand quoteMr Milk said..
PS, Just in case it is funny, can you repost that heavily nested joke from yesterday?
I thought it was a maze. At least that explains why I couldn't find the way out.
It wasa good one but the formating made all the boxes within boxes. Tried to delete but that wouldn't work either.
Select to expand quotecisco said..
It wasa good one but the formating made all the boxes within boxes. Tried to delete but that wouldn't work either.
Use plain text editor instead of rich text, just delete all the quote and unquote boxes you don't want. I can't show them properly here but the quotes have square brackets around them, the unquotes have a / after the first bracket
Select to expand quoteHave you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning, he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, Papa, it was boring. We didn't see a single arsehole, ****ta, dole-bludging piece of ****, horse's arse, tree hugging socialist left wing green prick, blind bastard, dip****, rag-headed Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."
Select to expand quotedecrepit said...
Use plain text editor instead of rich text, just delete all the quote and unquote boxes you don't want. I can't show them properly here but the quotes have square brackets around them, the unquotes have a / after the first bracket
Do you mean copy it into wordpad or word before pasting??
Maybe just type it out. It isn't essay length, is it? Most of us hip cool surfing dudes have limited attention spans, after all.
Select to expand quotecisco said..
Do you mean copy it into wordpad or word before pasting??
When you are typing a post, there is a tab at the top of the edit window titled "Plain Text Editor". Click on it and you go into a text edit mode that lets you clean up all the quotation formatting.
Select to expand quote[b]cisco said..
JUST IMAGINE.
If you had bought $1000 worth of Qantas shares one year ago.
You would have made $49.00 today.
If you had bought $1000 worth of AIG shares one year ago.
You would have made $33.00 today.
If you had bought $1000 worth of Lehman Brothers Shares one year ago.
You would have made $0.00 today.
BUT .... If you purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer
then returned the cans for recycling. You would have made $214.00 today.
So based on above ,the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily and recycle !!
AND DID YOU KNOW......
A recent study found that the average Australian walks 900 miles a year.
Another study found the average Australian consumes 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.
That means on average AUSSIES get 41 miles to the gallon.
MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE, DOESN'T IT??
Select to expand quotecisco said..
Do you mean copy it into wordpad or word before pasting??
Nup, just edit it with the "Plain Text Editor" it's on the blue bar above next to the " Rich Text Editor" that is the default, so you don't see all the quote unquotes in brackets. I've just deleted all of them to give you your joke back
