Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ar$e.
'If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork looks very uncomfortable.
Why don't you take it out?'
'I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my arse.'
'I do not understand,' said the other.
The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.
He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'
I said, No sh!t?'
God Bless Australia
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE. MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL . 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
It is Easter Sunday morning and the chubby kid on the farm just outside Gunning, who's been up since well before dawn, decides that he simply can't eat one more Easter egg. So he decides to play a prank. Heading into the chicken coop, he replaces every single egg the hens have laid with a brightly coloured one. A few minutes later, the rooster walks in, sees all the coloured eggs, then storms outside and kills the peacock.
Select to expand quote<div>Recently published in the Health Care Journal.
<div>Doctor-Patient Affair-An Ethical Dilemma
<div>
<div>A well respected doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.
<div>No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
<div>The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it.
<div>You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single.
<div>Just let it go."
<div>
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick perverted bastard."
Select to expand quote<div>The father of the Bride, asks to have a word with the Groom at the reception, and says "Well Tom I think you've now earnt the right know that Annie has Acute Angina", and Tom says "Yeh I know and she's got a great set of Tits too!"
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt pistol and yelled,
"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the room called out...
"You'll need more ammo!
Select to expand quote
<div>A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.'
I was offered sex today by a beautiful 26 year old Swedish woman on Cottesloe Beach. In exchange of that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner via email.
Of course, I could not bring myself to do this because of my morals, religious upbringing and strong will power.
Which is just as strong as Ajax. The super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented with lemon or vanilla.
News Flash:-
Subway are no longer selling any products with pork, ham or bacon in them out of respect for Muslims.
Also, Bunnings are no longer selling timber or nails out of respect for Christians.
There was a thread once called "Jokes for the Political Correct".
It never got a post because humour is not allowed under political correctness.
Somebody must have kicked hoop's cat this morning.
Two Nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car in Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your hooters, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turn to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross".
So Sister Mary Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little, fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off".
Sister Mary Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
'Yes, I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
A young toddler comes running in crying holding his finger up . Mummy grabs it and starts kissing it better then asks what happened?
The toilet paper broke.
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many
things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Select to expand quoteMacroscien said...
...so when she said "shouldn't that be negative sideways 8" I knew the joke was on me...
Old Man And The Beaver
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
" As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
Mother: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop!"
Daughter: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop!"
A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said. As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two constables there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”
The Tunnel Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks. The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Kiwi thinks: The Aussie bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead..
The Aussie thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel [i]so I can smack that bloody Kiwi again.[/i]
