Top Joke

I can swallow 2 pieces of string, and when they pass out the other end, they are tied together.

I sh1t you knot.

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

Probably been on here before but it's worth repeating:







LITTLE JOHNNY .....



Tony Abbott was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.


The teacher asked Mr Abbott if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Abbott. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not',explained Abbott, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Abbott searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr.Hockey and Mr.Pyne and MrsBishop was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Abbott, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident!

EMOONING!!
<div>We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ARSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) an arsehole

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb Arse

Paddy spent the best part of the day scouring the crime fiction shelves in the library for a book.
Eventually, he admitted defeat and approached the librarian.
He explained that the book he had been looking for was called "Psycho The Rapist.”
The librarian commented that’s a very strange title, I should be able to find it in a jiffy.
She returned after about 3 hours looking flustered and said to Paddy, “we have over 3 million books in this repository but it appears we do not have a copy of Psycho The Rapist. Are you sure that is the correct title”?
“To be sure it tis” said Paddy “the Doctor recommended it and he even wrote it down for me” with this he rummaged in his pocket and produced a tatty piece of paper that he handed to the librarian. She read the note and through clenched teeth hissed at Paddy “Ya dopey bloody Mick, it’s pronounced Psychotherapist, Psycho - bloody – therapist ya idiot”.

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "I don't know. The only other thing I remember is mom dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

Non Politically Correct jokes -











Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round
I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."




Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"
Husband says " that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"



My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a
blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive ar$e.


I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great.
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.



After the tsunami a Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in
Japan on the damaged nuclear plant.
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newcastle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"



Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long
relationship...
She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"



A man approaches a young good looking woman in a shop. he says" I
can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with
tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"



Following the recent Earthquake the Chinese government have thanked
Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out.
They said they were delicious!

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.”
“The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it; he had stolen money from his parents
Embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister.”
“I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
Moral of the story: Never, Never, Never Be Late !

Irish logic
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’.
Towards the end of the program he had already won 500,000 pounds.
“You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,
“but for a million pounds you’ve only got one life-line left… phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question….
Will you go for it?” “Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”
“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?”
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo

“I haven’t got a clue.” said Mick, ”
so I’ll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .
” Mick called up his buddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
“Fookin hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple…. it’s a cuckoo.” “Are you sure?”
“I’m fookin sure.” Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
“I’ll go wit Cuckoo as my answer.” “Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
“Dat it is, Sir.” There was a long, long, pause – and then the presenter screamed,
“Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!”
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink or two.
“Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was
da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?” “Because he lives in a fookin clock, don’t he!”

Bloke and his missus aren't getting on. They go to a marriage counsellor.
Counsellor: "Well, let's start with the things you have in common."
Bloke: "Neither of us sucks dick."

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a cop car?

Porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think Jimmy, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together"

"I know Marion," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Marion snickered "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, Jimmy," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."


"I wouldn't be surprised, Marion" replied the old fellow.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge”



My Accident
I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU,
Tubes entering different parts of my body,
Wires monitoring every function,
A gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
I heard her say, 'You may-not feel anything from the waist down.'
In as much pain as I was managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

A blonde woman gets a job as a physical education teacher of 14 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a ball. She takes pity on him and decides to use her new age skills to console the lad, so she goes over to speak to him. 'You ok?' she asks. 'Yes,' he replies. 'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says. 'It's best I stay here,' he says. 'Why's that, sweetie, the other kids wont hurt you?' says the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "I don’t think that would be a good idea miss says the boy. ‘You’ll be OK’ she says ‘I’ll come with you if you like’ ‘I’d much rather stay here miss’ says the boy ‘Why would you want to stand here on your own instead of playing with the others’ she coo’s. ‘ Because I'm the f#@king goal keeper miss"

At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said
?I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and
every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. ??What about all these plaster purchases?What do you do with what's left
over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive."What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

A Short Story



One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman
who did not nag, whine or b!tch.




But it was a long time ago, and it was just
that one day.


The End.