Is Elton John is going to the Gaddafi funeral in Libya to perform "Sandal in the Wind" ?
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
... 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing all day and all night from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You wipe your ass with your hand
- You cook over burning camel dung
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wives smell worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no sh-t,Sherlock! .... It's not like it could get much worse.
JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN
A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
.
.
.
.
.
.
He lost 63 pounds that week.
2 TOUGH QUESTIONS
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant,
Who had 8 kids already,
Three who were deaf,
Two who were blind,
One mentally retarded,
And she had syphilis,
Would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts..
Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two mistresses.
He also chain smokes
And drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice,
Sleeps until noon,
Used opium in college
And drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C:
He is a decorated war hero..
He's a vegetarian,
Doesn't smoke,
Drinks an occasional beer
And never committed adultery.
Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first ... No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn't it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.
Remember:
Amateurs ... Built the ark.
Professionals ... Built the Titanic
How did Ray Charles' mom punish him when he was a kid?
....
Rearranging the furniture 
It's the London riot. An Paddy the cop drives past a big black guy wildly dancing on top of a Ford sedan.
He calls for back-up “Chief there's this big black guy dancing all over the top of a Ford sedan”
Chief: “Paddy, you can't talk over the airways like that - it's politically incorrect!....”
Paddy pauses..... “OK then - ZULU, TANGO, SIERRA!”
Q. What's the definition of "endless love"?
A. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
A five yr old answers the phone "Hello"...
Hello darling this is your mummy's boss and she hasn't arrived at work yet can i speak to her.
No sorry she's out the front with a policeman and cant come to the phone now.
Well is your daddy there can i speak to him. No daddy's gone out in the car and won't be back for ages.
We'll is there a baby sitter there i can speak too. No she went with the fireman in the truck and i don't know when she will be back either.
Well is there an adult there I can speak too.
No Aunty mary went to look at the park nearby, Uncle Dave went to look at the hospital, Grandad went with the pilot to look in the helicopter and Grandma is with the men in yellow suits looking in the bush. What are they looking for he asks. "ME" she whispers
2 Terrorists are in a back pack shop.
One turns to the other and says "Does my Bomb look big in this??"
My Favorite Animal
My teacher asked what my favorite animal was and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do too...especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed, too.
Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now?
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him.
She says hello and he's rather taken aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while
your friend whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
I would like to share an experience with all of you. It has to do with drinking and driving. As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years. The other night I was out for dinner with a few friends. After consuming too much beer and knowing full well that I was wasted, I did something I've never done before.
Believe it or not I took a bus home. Yes a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident.
This was really a surprise to me since I have never driven a bus before.
that reminds me of my grandpa.. he used to be a bus driver.. passed away a few years back..
I would like to die peacefully, sleeping, like he did. Not screaming in fear like all of his passengers
WOMEN
Two female friends are catching up: "So, how was your evening last night?" "A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare in 4 minutes, 'granted' me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?"
"Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful..."
MEN
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are 'networking': "So, how was your evening last night?" "Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?"
"A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful...! Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these ****ing candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get aroused, and another one to climax. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing..."
Building went up in flames in Parramatta
, 6 Afghani families died as well as 3 Tamils families and 2 Iraqi families, 1 OZ couple survived. The Australian Muslim council and the antidiscrimination board went up in arms and ordered an inquiry about the situation. They found that the OZ couple did not loose their life was because they were at work!
Australia Post have created and marketed a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Ms Gillard.
The prime minister had requested a recall of the stamps following concerns that they weren't sticking.
Australia Post recently suspended a recall of the stamps after the findings of a special Senate Committee were released.
The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of $1.85 million, a special Senate Committee led by the leader of the Greens, Bob Brown, presented the following findings -
1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple
is sadly involved in a fatal car accident.The couple find themselves
sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them
into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder, could they possibly
get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two
months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they
discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was
the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered,
'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informed the couple, 'you can get married in
Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a
Priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a
Lawyer?
A gorila walks into a bar and takes a bite out of the corner of it.
The barman says" we dont serve druggies in here. get out"
"druggies" the gorila replies.
"yeah druggies" says the barkeep. "I seen that bar-bit-u-ate"
A recent survey showed that just before a motor accident:-
City People said "Oh feck!!!"
Small town people said "Oh sh!te!!!"
And country people said "Hold me rum and watch this driving skill."
.....................................................................................
The cotton wool in the top of pill bottles is there to remind niggers that they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Schooner of New"
The robot brings back the best beer ever and says to the
man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Schooner of New"
Again, the robot pours a great beer and gives it to the man and asks,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about V8 Super cars, MotoGP, Tooheys beers
and Supercheap Auto.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it
one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Schooner of New," and the robot brings him another great beer.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and asks
"So, you people still happy you voted for Gillard?"
They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if
your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure
gonna put a stop to siphoning.
I love those slow-talking Southern girls.
I was out with a Southern girl last night,.............It took her so long to tell me she wasn't that kind of girl,..... she was.
The International Council of Man Laws
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his
friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you
actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must
celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of
the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap
her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as
a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical
beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in
the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they
demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports
watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober
enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's
just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of
beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's
withholding sex pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating,
both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able
to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken
monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail
each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.
27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the
difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed
below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife
with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying
somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and
beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to
say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws
Something I found todying up my old emails.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you
would have produced enough sound energy to heat one
cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy of an
atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(OMG...!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head
before it starves to death.
(Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its
head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex
by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's
like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmmmmm........)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(Thank God for that !)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
sex for pleasure.
(What about the pig?)
