I was in a pub the other night and saw two rather large girls by the bar.
They both had strange accents so I said, “Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?”
One of them screamed, “It's WALES you f**king idiot!”
So I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
I expect to be released from hospital tomorrow.
A big, rough and tough looking biker is riding by Taronga Park Zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to eat her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his hog, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The hog rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a Liberal party supporter'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
(That pretty much sums up the main stream media's approach to the news these days. Or is that the lame stream media?)
An Aussie bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says, “You remind me of my little toe.”
She replies, “What? You mean I'm small and cute?”
He says, “No. Ill probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk.”
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so.
I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said..."OK, Monica, you're free to go."
The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... Which part of your body goes first?"
Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"
"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'O God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
A blond went to a ranch on vacation. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle.
The blonde asked what the difference was.
"Well,one has a horn and the other doesn't."
"Just get the one without the horn. I don't think we'll run into too much traffic out here."
25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
.
.
.
.
. That's bloody scary...it means 75% are running around with no medication at all!!
An Arab enters a taxi..........
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”
The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out and wait for a ****ing camel.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
>>
>> Watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
>>
>> The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
>>
>> "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
>>
>> "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
>> No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the
>> door,
>>
>> Knocks, and goes inside.
>>
>> "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid
>> hats!"
>>
>> They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the
>> rabbi
>>
>> When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
>>
>> "Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
>>
>> "One of the girls must have died."
>>
Once upon a time on the shores of a mountain lake 
skipping across the water was a fly 
Underneath the water waiting for the
was a big fat trout 
the was thinking to itself, when that comes down, i'm going to jump up and eat him.
At the same time, sitting on the shore of the was a huge grizzly bear 
The was watching the skipping across the water and thought to itself, when that comes down, the
will jump up and i'll grab it.
In the treeline of the 
was sitting a cunning hunter 
eating his crackers and cheese.
The 
was watching closely to the goings on and thought to himself, when that 
comes down, that will jump up, and the
will grab and eat the and i will grab my gun and shoot the
All the while, a little field mouse 
was rummaging through the leaf litter around the camp. The 
looked, and then looked again and thought, when that comes down, the will jump up to eat it, the will grab the
to eat it and the will grab his gun and shoot the .
When this happens, i'll go and grab his biscuits and cheese.
Close by, on a branch overhanging the watching the in the water was a cat
The 
who was always watching, saw the skipping over the water and said to itself, when that comes down the
will jump up. The will grab and eat it. The will grab his gun and shoot the ,
that will run over and eat the
biscuit and cheese and i'll pounce on the
Then all of a sudden,
the came down,
the jumped up,
the grabbed the ,
the shot the ,
the ran to eat the biscuits and cheese,
and the went to pounce on the
but slipped and fell in the
.
So, whats the moral of the story?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
When the fly comes down, the pussy gets wet
^^^^I have read that one before Stu and it is good.
How frickking long did it take you to do it in pictures like that.
What's the difference between the Queensland Parliamentary Labor Party and a Landcrusier ?
A Landcrusier has 8 seats.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg".
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £50!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked . The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor'
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'
A bra and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar.
They walk up and ask the barman for a drink, the barman replies sternly "I'm not serving you two !!".
"Why not ?" they enquire...
"Well", replies the Barman, "You're off your t1t$, and you look like you're about to start something!"
Sorry - I know it's a lame one...
I got a new sick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap & push up bottom
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely!
A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.
He said it was islamb and he could do what he ****ing wanted with it.
A young woman says to her husband, I would like to have larger breasts but implants are so expensive. What do you think? Why dont you rub toilet paper between them, It worked for your arse.
WORDS WOMEN USE:
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are
right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman
looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes
that your football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so
it's an even trade.
NOTHING - This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a
woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a
few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean
that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will
stay content.
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay"
is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised
Eyebrow".
PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so
be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say, Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.....
Wife to her husband, smiling:
-Guys at my office said that I have very nice legs
Husband
-Did they mentioned also that you have very big fat arse
- No, we didn't talk about you at all
The Night Nurse
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
“Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!”
A boy sits in the classroom and the teacher asks; there are 3 pigeons sitting on a fence. If I shoot one of them how many are there left?
The boy answers the question and says. None! if you shoot one the other ones will fly away.
The teaches replies, Oh no that's not what I meant, I meant 2! but the thought behind it was really good!!
The boy replies, alright I've got one for you then! There are 3 women sitting on a bench. All 3 of them have an icecream. One of them bites in the icecream, one of them licks the icecream and one of them sucks on the icecream. Which one of these women is married?
The teacher thinks and says. uuuhm I think the one that sucks??
no the one with a wedding ring! but the thought behind it was really good!!
The Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again. The local paper read:
PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey. The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10..
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''
*click* *BANG*
Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''
Good liar......
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope..just when it's raining.'
