When I was growing up, we were so poor that when I asked my father
for something to play with,......... he'd cut a hole in my pants pocket. 
Diarrhea is hereditary, ..........it runs in your jeans.
2011's First Christmas Joke
Three old returned servicemen died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Air force guy fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Army guy reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Sailor started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Sailor replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins.....
Advice for an old guy…
I was working out in the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing…
I asked the trainer who was near-by, "What machine
should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked me up and down and said…
"Try the ATM in the lobby."
--
Four Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
My One day of employment
After landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I'm neither blind nor stupid Madam, I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice....Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings”
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work .
A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can't believe they ****ed my wife after only five cans!”
My wife just came in to me and said, “I don't know if I am coming or going.” I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you're going – 'cos when you're coming, you look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
The missus asked me, “When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn't the right answer.
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
"I wanna watch
Two nuns sitting in the dark.
One says 'where's the candle"?
The other says "sure does"
'
Wife said come home with something that makes me look sexy.
So I came home pissed with a bottle of rum to make sure.
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
Doctor: What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend helped too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.
Suddenly, the wife realised that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's mobile phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."
Husband, "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."
Hi everyone,
I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following :
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress , non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all .
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great ( not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country ) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee .
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .
Best Regards (without prejudice)
Name withheld (Privacy Act).
"The meek shall inherit the earth
- but not the mineral rights."
- J. Paul Getty
- BHP billiton
- bluescope steel
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding
traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years
earlier than the British".
One week later, the Irish Department of Agriculture reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet near Ballyhaunis, Co Mayo,
Mick O'Connor, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely f*ck all. Mick has therefore concluded that 250 years ago,
Ireland had already gone wireless."
Just makes you fierce proud to be Irish.
THE ROBOT
Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son , where were you today?" asks Dad.
The Son says "at school Dad."
Robot slaps the Son!
"Ok , I watched a DVD at my friends house!" says the Son.
"What DVD?" asks Dad.
"Toy Story!" gasps the Son
Robot slaps the Son again!
"Ok , it was porno!" cries the Son.
"What! When I was your age , I didn't kinow what Porn was!" says Dad.
Robot slaps the Dad!
Mum laughs ... "Hahaha - he's certainly your Son!"
Robot slaps the Mum! .....
Three braggart, macho mice from Marseille are talking over a glass of Pernod.
"Traps?" says the first. "Bollocks to them! I go for the gruyere and, if it snaps onto me, I just raise my jaw and get out of it."
"As for that so-called poisoned seed they leave for us," boasts the second, "I crunch it when I'm feeling peckish!"
The third mouse gets ready to leave. "See you, mes amis. Gotta go home. Time to **** the cat."
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies,"Get out you idiot. You're on my side".
I just asked my kiwi mate how many sexual partners he has had..... he started counting...... then he fell asleep......
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'
'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered .....
'Outside,.... when you said you......heard someone coming.....that was me....'
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,”says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two week. Fawl off by self!”
Never Believe An Irishman
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
But the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy.."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?"
"He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,
leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
I tried that sexual suffocation with the wife. Well she obviously didn't like it shes being lying there for five days giving me the silent treatment.
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Salvatore was relaxing at
his
favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blond
woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled
her
senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She
paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Salvatore reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..
The sex finally ends and, again, Salvatore smiles and asks, "You
finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him
and
softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied.
Salvatore reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end
together
screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Salvatore falls onto his back, gasping..
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and
asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,
"No, I'm Norwegian."
Subject: Some GOOD advice
There is a bit more than a year until the election, an election that will decide the
next Prime Minister of Australia. The person elected will be the Prime Minister of
all Australians, not just Labor or the Coalition.
To show our solidarity as Australians, let's all get together and show each other
our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we came together,
Liberal, Independents, and Labor alike. If you support the policies and character
of the Liberal party, please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support Gillard, please drive with your headlights off at night!
Thank you, may God bless you, and God deliver Australia.
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .
...
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail..
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE ,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the... Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta .
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7...
Good Luck!
Tech Support
Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, 'cos Oi wasn't even at home yesterday."
