A Scottish man was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming “Run, Run.”
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now exited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called “walk” and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, “R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!”
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, “He can't run – he got four balls.”
The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, “Walk with pride, man…walk with pride!”
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?”
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?”
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”
“Yes I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
A customer walks into a computer store and approaches a sales clerk...
"I'm looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics," says the customer. "You know, something really challenging."
The clerk looks at the man and says, "Have you tried Windows 8?"
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".
The pigmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked, "How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?"
The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied, "There's about 90 of us."
A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in a pharmacy. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the pharmacist, "How much to replace this?"
The pharmacist says, "That'll be four pence."
Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"
The pharmacist looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair."
The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "The Regiment has voted to repair!"
A woman goes to a doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got a problem. You see, I was born with 3 vaginas. What can you do for me?"
The doctor gets the woman onto the table and examines her. Sure enough, she has three vaginas, side by side.
After a moments thought the doctor goes to his desk, opens a draw and gets out a roll of duct tape. He then proceeds to tear off two strips and places them over the woman's two outer vaginas.
"Ok then," says the doctor when he's finished, "you can get dressed and go now."
"Has that cured my problem then?" asks the woman.
"Not really," says the doctor, "but at least it'll stop you getting screwed left, right and centre."
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just ** yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed ** myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?" The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Seven Kinds Of Sex ....
The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say ... 'F**k You.'
The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
'A pumpkin?
Sh!t ... is it midnight already?'
The court (and the judge) erupted with laughter.
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Oz just so that they can see their own doctor.
W
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight.
Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down..
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, butdon't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion..
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.
We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door.
The silence was deafening.
“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.”
“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.”
The doctor took the husband aside. “You're in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn't give me an erection, either.”
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thought for a minute and said, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."
"Second," said the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.
"Third, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the lawyer finished, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real b*tch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
One morning a large man came hobbling into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, splashed some on both his legs, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the Father O'Reilly what he'd just seen. “Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" O'Reilly said. "Tell me, where be the man now?"
"He's flat on his arse next to the holy water Father," the boy informed him
1st Blonde; “My boyfriend's Dandruff is so bad I gave him 'Head and Shoulders'”.
2nd Blonde; Duuhh, How do you give shoulders”?
An Irishman sees a job advert published on a building site, 'handyman wanted apply within'. So he does and speaks to the foreman.
Foreman: Can you drive a forklift truck?
Irishman: No
Foreman: Can you plaster?
Irishman: No
Foreman: Can you brick lay?
Irishman: No
Foreman: If you don't mind me asking, what's handy about you?
Irishman: I only live five minutes down the road.
It was Sunday afternoon, and Pat and Mick were bored.
"Let's go to the pictures," said Mick, "we could see Moby Dick."
"I don't like them R-rated films," Pat replied.
"Don't be so daft," said Mick. "It's about whales."
"That's worse," said Pat, "I can't stand them Welsh Bastards either"
Walking into the bar, Paddy said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
An illegal immigrant picks up a prostitute. "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100," she replies.
In broken English he says, "Do you do Immigrant Style?"
"No," she says.
"I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style."
"No," she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could Immigrant Style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, “Father, I never wear panties under my habit.”
The priest chuckles and says, “That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.”
Postman Pat's Last Day.
Postman Pat's Last Day:
It was Postman Pat's
last day on the job after
35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather
to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first
house on his route,
he was greeted by the whole
family there, who all hugged
and congratulated him and
sent him on his way with a
cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented
him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed
him a bottle of 15-year old
Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was
met at the door by a dumb
blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and
led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind
with the most passionate love
he had ever experienced.
When they went downstairs,
the blonde fixed him a full
English breakfast: Bacon,
Eggs, Sausage & Tomato
with freshly squeezed orange juice.
As she was pouring him a cup of
steaming coffee,
he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.
'All this was just too wonderful for words,'
he said, 'but what's the quid for?'
'Well,' said the dumb blonde,
'Last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day and
that we should do something special
for you'.
'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F**k him. Give him a quid.'
She smiled shyly and said,
'The breakfast was my idea.'
Ladies; If a man says “he will fix it”, he will. There is no need to remind him every six months.
My sex life is like a Ferrari……………I don't have a Ferrari!
NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of 'Fox sport, beer or porn'. This makes it clear that men are not from Mars.
My mother in law is coming…….I had to clear out half my closet so she could have a place to hang upside down and sleep.[}:)]
I heard a bloke complaining about how much his wedding is costing. He is going to be really cranky when he finds out how much his divorce is going to cost.
I want one of those jobs where people ask “Do you actually get paid for doing this”?
My Ex wife is living proof as to just how stupid I can be.
I tried exercise, but I was allergic to it. My skin got flushed, my heart rate went up, I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous thing exercise, lucky I stopped.
I'm writing a book on reverse psychology………Please don't buy it!
I once won an argument with a woman……..in this dream I had.
If there was a way to read a woman's mind, I'm not sure I would bother. I hate shoes, shopping and gossip, and I already know just how bloody annoying I am.
It is funny when my wife gives me the 'silent treatment'. She thinks of it as a punishment!
If your wife/girlfriend ever asks “If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join us”? Never, never provide two names!
Judging by the frying pan that just flew past my head, I've just done or said something wrong…..I can't wait to find out what it was.
Men have feelings to……we feel hungry, we feel horny or we feel like getting the hell out of Dodge.
Two Irishmen go into a pet shop.
"We'll be havin' four of dem dare budgerigars!" says Seamus.
"Dat's right!" says Paddy, "Dose four dare, dey look nice 'n fit!"
So the petshop owner puts the four budgies in a little box and Seamus and Paddy set off in their van.
"Oi've bin lookin' forward to doin' dis ALL week," said Seamus, very excitedly.
"Me too!" agrees Paddy, "Me too!"
Eventually they get to the top of a huge cliff and Seamus parks the van.
"Say, dis looks a grand place!" says Seamus.
"It does dat!" agrees Paddy, looking down the 1000ft drop. "Well, dis is it!" Seamus shouts in excitement, as he takes two of the little budgies out of the box, places one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as Seamus plummets all the way to the bottom, where he crashes to the ground, stone dead.
"Fook that for a game......" says Paddy with a frown, peering over the edge and shaking his head. "Dis budgie jumping looks too fookin' dangerous to me....."
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL......
Just as Paddy turns to go, Gerry turns up with another box.
"Hey Paddy!" shouts Gerry, "I've always wanted to troy dis! Watch!! "
With that, he takes a chicken out of the box, holds onto it's legs and he too jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry goes crashing to the
ground, where he lies next to Seamus, stone dead.
"Fook that too....." says Paddy sadly, "Oi don't reckon dat hengliding is all it's cracked up to be either......"
AND THEN.......
Murphy turns up. He also has a box.
"Hey Paddy!" he calls, "D'ya want to see what oi've got here?" Paddy peers inside the box to find a large green parrot.
"Now Murphy, yer not about to troy gliding or budgie jumping wi dat dare ting,now are you?"
"Corse not!" says Murphy producing a large shot gun. "D'ya tink oi'm stupid Paddy? Now see here!"
With that he throws the parrot off the cliff and runs off the edge of the cliff after it, firing at it with his shotgun!
Moments later, he too lies dead on the ground, next to Seamus and Gerry.
"Fook dat......" says Paddy. "First Seamus wid his budgie jumpin, den Gerry wid his hengliding
and now Murphy wid his fookin parrotshooting!
Here is another good racist one which is quite funny.
Padre van Niekerk comes across a dead baboon on the road on way from the morning service in Tweebuffelsmeteenskootdoodgeskietfontein and being the good Christian gentleman that he is does the right thing and phones up the cop shop, council being shut on a Sunday, to get someone to remove it.
" Good morning this is Padre van Niekerk speaking. This morning I came across a dead baboon five kilometers out on the Welkom road and I thought I ought to report it."
"Good morning Padre, Sergeant Makwenkwe heah. Did you give it the last rights Padre?"
" No sergeant, it was already dead. I am just phoning up to notify the next of kin."
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down. This goes on for a while when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail and she told me to go fly a kite."
Modern technology
I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad,
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?" "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Scottish Pragmatism
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"
The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."
The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."
The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
Then the Priest said,"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Doctor said,"Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The Businessman replied,"I think I'll donate £50,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."
And the Scotsman said,"Why kin they no play at night?
President Bush, decides to leave the Ranch and go out to sit in a local Crawford bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'
Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Bush turns to the bartender and says,
'See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims'.
Two guys talking and one says, "Do you know lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night."
Other guy says, "Awww hell. I just joined Rotary."
