A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, "Mom, look - I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother." The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"
The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says” Do you know who I am?” and the old man sips his beer and answers “yep”. The Devil says “Well, why aren't you afraid of me?” The old man looks over and says” I've been married to your sister for 48 years, why the hell should I be scared of you.”
There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a
nursing mother.
Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out–for a price.
The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.
The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast.
Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.
One day, the woman realized that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, “Is there anything else you'd like?”
The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, “Yeah, got any cookies?”
A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand. “Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!” she wailed.
“Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked her Mom.
“I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!”
Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider.
The little girl immediately dunked her hand in
it. “Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!” she whined.
“What are you talking about?” asked her increasingly perplexed parent.
“What made you think that cider would ease your pain?”
“Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider.”
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a
beautiful young woman.
She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now
big I was and I said,
“Compared to what?”
She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said,
“I'm bigger than that.”
Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said,
“I'm bigger than that.”
Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said,
“I'm about that big.”
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said,
“You're a medium.”
“Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?”
“You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.”
“Well, I was teaching my wife golf and of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, 'Looks like your hole, dear.'” “That was the last thing I remember.”
A man goes to a doctor for him to check out his problem. He tells the doctor that his old fella has turned orange. The doctor asks if he is under any stress or emotional problems. To which the man replies, " no I'm on holidays at the moment all I do each day is sit around watching porn and eating twisties".
A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes...
seems she can't get them to turn red.
She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door
has a garden full of big red tomatoes.
She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand
naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red."
This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next
few days standing nude in her garden.
A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks...
"have your tomatoes turned red?"
"Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened...
the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end."
Socrates' thoughts on gossip
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a
rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely
lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up
to him excitedly and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd
like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about
Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell
me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true
or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something
good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something
about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not
certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued,
"You may still pass the test though, because there is a third
filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me
about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is
neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me
or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes
was shagging his wife.
A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. “I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10.”
Husband: “What about one my size?”
Wife: “Didn't get a bid!”
Husband wants revenge, so next morning tells his wife about his last night's dream. “I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10.”
Wife: “What about ones like mine?”
Husband: “That's where they held the auction.”
A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American
Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-"
so loud that it echoed off the
surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he
yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode
off.
"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him
on the horse with my arms around his
waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a sh!tload of firewood.'
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said 'My God. That was even tighter.'
'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
Three guys are walking down the beach …when they see this beautiful woman lying naked on the beach.
Well, the first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says “What will we name the child?”
The guy freaks and runs away. So the second guy goes over to her and starts “doing his thing” when she says “What will we name the child?”
He freaks out also and runs away.
The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom and goes to do his thing. When she says what will we name the child? He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going. Finally he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean. He turns to the girl and says, “If he gets out of that, we'll call him Houdini.”
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
INFLATABLE DOLL
A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?' Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.
I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Tosser" & then off we go....
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $2.50/min (charges may vary).
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bankstown .
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
I was shagging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It's my husband!
Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have run – but you don't get offers like that every day.
Sign on company bulletin board:
"This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck."
I was in the garden and had just finished mowing the lawn, my wife was
in the house about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the
rake.
I shouted up to my wife, "Where's the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking
motion. My wife still didn't understand and shouted "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understood and signalled back.
She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then
she pointed to her
bum, and finally to her crotch.
I had no idea what she was on about
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"
An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his
watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running
late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!''
The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running
about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?
"WHAT DO WE WANT"
"A cure for ADHD"
"WHEN DO WE WANT IT"
"Hey look over there...it's a Squirrel"
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"
"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."
One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"
The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."
I was walking to work one Monday with the worlds worst hangover. All I could remember from the party the night before was a big blue door with a lions head gold door knocker, heavy red velvet curtains and a gold toilet.
As I kept walking with my head throbbing in time with my feet I saw a house. It had a big blue door, on which was a lions head knocker.
I had no idea where i had been or what I had done last night, but I decided to see on the off chance if this was the place I was at.
I knocked on the lions head. After about 2 minutes the door opened a crack and a woman who looked like death warmed up stared at me. "Excuse me, I don't mean to pry, but did you have a party here last night?" I asked.
"Yeah", the woman croaked.
"You might think I'm crazy, but do you have heavy red velvet curtains?" I asked.
"Yeah in the lounge"she replied.
"Now this may sound stupid", I said, "but you don't happen to have a golden toilet do you?"
Her eyes widened and she yelled over her shoulder "Barry, I've found the bloke that crapped in your tuba!"
Thought for the day….
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a$$holes.
This guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and tips the second on his right hand. He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again tips the second on his right hand.
The bartender sees this becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing. So the bartender asks the guy “Hey man, I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?”
So the man says “I have to get my date drunk.”
