A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So, he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and … voila, everything else was automatic!!
He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off.
He read the manual, but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but still without success.
Panicking, he called the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. The farmer: “Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?”
Customer Service: “Don't worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 litres of milk.”
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.
When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.
The clerk asked, “Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?”
He said, “Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!”
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several of London's motorway services. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day.
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.
Ahmed says, "Look at your sign. It says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.' Britons who see that do not feel excited by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."
So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign that reads: "I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan."
Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.
The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down, farted and when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"
A young female teenager runs into the house and asks her mother “Is it true what Mandy just told me? Babies come out the same place that boy's thingies go in?”
“Yes,” replied her mother pleased that the embarrassing subject had finally come up and she didn't have to explain.
“Oh, Gosh! When I have a baby then, will it knock my teeth out?”
80 year old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!”
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
" She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the catholic priest masturbating
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father ?" he asked
"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, 'Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month'.
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.
Soon, another man enters the confessional. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.
This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies.
'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispes, 'Is that Fannie Green?'
The altar boy replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'.
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
On the first day of third grade, Miss Torch took roll.
“My name is Johnny ****hauer,” said one boy.
“I won't tolerate such language in my class”, Miss Torch fumed. “Tell me your real name.”
“That is my real name,” Johnny insisted. “You can ask my brother over in the fourth grade.”
The determined teacher marched across the hall. “Do you have a ****hauer in here?” Miss Torch asked the class teacher.
“Hell no,” a bold lad retorted. “We don't even get a tea break!”
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex, Tarzan meets Jane.
Jane discovered Tarzan deep in the Congo thrusting vigorously into a hole in a tree. Overcome by the display, Jane makes herself known to Tarzan and offers herself to him. As she reclines naked in the grass, Tarzan takes a running leap and kicks her in the crotch.
She screams at him, “What the hell did you do that for?”
Tarzan replies, “Always check for squirrels.”
An Army chaplain, walking through a notorious section of town, saw a soldier exiting a known house of prostitution. The soldier paused on the sidewalk and gestured with his right hand in a manner familiar to the good Catholic chaplain
The chaplain promptly approached the errant soldier, saying, ”I'm sorry to see a good Catholic lad like you, coming out of a place like that.”
“Well, padre, I'm not Catholic,” answered the GI.
“But I clearly saw you cross yourself as you came out of there.”
“No – but when I come out of a place like that, I always check four things: My spectacles, my testicles, my watch, and my wallet.”
There are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday.
“Sure, I'd love to play,” says George, “but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”
Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.
“Yeah, sounds great,” says George. “But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”
The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says, “See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.”
Every week from now on, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message.
After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, “Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. You beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?”
“Well,” George says, “I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.”
“So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?” Bob asks.
“Then I'm about ten minutes late,” George answers.
Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce." he replied.
“Good evening, ladies,” said Sherlock Holmes, passing three women eating bananas on a park bench.
“Do you know them?” asked Dr. Watson.
“No,” Holmes replied, “I've never met that nun, the prostitute or the bride.”
“Good Lord, Holmes, how on Earth do you know that?”
“Elementary, my dear Watson: the nun ate her banana by breaking off small pieces. The prostitute grabbed it with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.”
“Amazing!” exclaimed Watson. “But how do you know the third is a newlywed?”
“Because she held hers in one hand and then pushed her head toward it with the other!”
Little Johnny walked into school thirty minutes late.
“Sorry I'm late, teacher,” he said, “but I didn't get my f*¢king breakfast.”
“Johnny, we don't use language like that in school! Go stand in the corner!” She then continued the geography lesson.
“Who can tell me where the Canadian border is?” she asked.
No hand went up except Little Johnny's. The teacher ignored him and asked again. Still no takers, so she reluctantly called on Little Johnny.
He replied, “He's in bed with my Mom and that's why I didn't get any f*¢king breakfast!”
A man walks into a bar and approaches a beautiful woman. He tells her that he has an uncanny ability to guess the exact day on which a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really?" the woman says. "Go on then...Try."
After 30 seconds of awkward fondling, she begins to lose patience.
"Come on," she demands, "on which day was I born?"
"Yesterday?" the man replies.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side
'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said.
'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack. I wear the trousers in this relationship and
I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your f *** ing attitude, you never will.'
Paddy goes to the vet with his pet goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
"Well sure," Paddy replies, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet!"
Jim strolls into the paint section of Bunnings and walks up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says.
"Certainly," says the clerk. "Mind if I ask why you need it?"
"My parakeet," says Jim. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win."
"Well, you can't do that, Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!"
"No, they won't," Jim replies.
"Listen, Buddy, I'll bet you ten quid your parakeet dies if you try to paint him."
"You're on!" says Jim.
Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten pounds on the counter in front of the clerk.
"So the paint killed your bird?"
"Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.
The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
"Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery. Prior to the procedure, the doctors needed to store some blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood and couldn't be found locally, the call went out for donors. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman, in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, several diamonds and $250,000.
A few weeks later the Arab had to go through some corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Sheik did not reciprocate his kind gesture in the way that he had anticipated. He phoned the Sheik and said to him, "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
"Aye laddie," the Sheik replied, "because I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."
I was a bit disappointed when I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point. The question was 'Where do women mostly have curly hair?'
Apparently it's Africa.
