A cow walks into a pub,
Barman "why the long face?"
Cow (in thick Geordie accent) "bloody illegal ingredients coming over here and stealing our jobs!!"
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?"
The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."
Dear Dorothy Dix,
My partner has a long record of money problems. She runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, she shouts at me, saying I am stealing her money. She says pay the minimum and let the next lot worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
Also, she has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbours that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom she has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.
Also, she has got religious. One week she hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next she's with Muslims. Finally, the last straw: She's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with her, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
Signed,
Lost in Canberra
---------------------------
Dear Lost:
Stop whining Timothy. You're getting to live in the Lodge for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can leave her any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the bimbo for at least until September.
Signed,
Dorothy
The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist.
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist;
So they put up a sign advertising their services reading:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.
The local council found this unacceptable and insisted they change it.
So they changed it to read:
Schizoids and Haemorrhoids.
The council also found this unacceptable so they changed the sign to read:
Catatonics and High Colonics
No go. So next they tried:
Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.
This also got the thumbs down from the council.
So they tried Minds and Behinds
Still not acceptable.
Their nextr attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again!
So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way.
Freaks and Cheeks - still no good.
Loons and Moons - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in.........Odds and Ends.
And the council loved it!
Enlargement
An elderly couple was watching a program on the Discovery Channel about a
West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the
black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on
the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to
24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight
procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"
"It looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
I swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night. My next visit to the toilet could spell disaster - boom boom!
Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today - the lifeguard shouted at me that loud I nearly fell in - boom boom
I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'.
I said 'Don't worry - I'll get you a new cat' - boom boom
The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely
beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a lawyer frantically
trying to climb up.
While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says,
"God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless
you both," and then kept on walking.
One bloke looks at the other, "Who the **** was that?" "Oh," said the
other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible."
The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows ****
all about shark fishing."
Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.
His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny says,
"Mum, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father",
his mother tells him.
So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want
to know if you're more Jewish of black?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle
for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till its dark
and steel the ****ing thing!"
After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of foreskin's he
has collected over the years of doing circumcisions. He goes to a Leather goods
Manufacture and says to the man "Can you do anything with these".
The man says "No problem, come back in two weeks"
After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet.
In total dismay, he says to the craftsman "After sixty years, the best you can
do is a wallet!" The man replies "Don't worry, just rub it a few times and it
will grow into a suitcase."
Anthony Mundine goes to the doctor and says:
“Hey Doc.............I get sexually aroused when I look into the mirror”.
“I'm not surprised", said the doctor............................ – "You're a C@nT”
A Pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at
the pub, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's bloody ****!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself
every night!"
Two mates were chatting over the phone.
"What do you say I come over tonight with two chicks and we party like the
good old days." Said the first bloke.
"Great idea mate, so what are the sheilas like?" said the second bloke.
"Gotta tell ya mate, mine's a knockout, yours, well, she'll be OK when you get
drunk enough.
That night, the door bell rings, the bloke opens the door and his mate introduces him
to his blind date.
After about a minute, the bloke with the blind date turns to his mate and whispers in his
ear, "This ain't gonna work out mate. I cant drink that f***n' much alcohol.
Two young blonde girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says,
"Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his rubber broke.
I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."
"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.
"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece
of it out with dental floss."
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and
hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water
trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and lands in the water trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old
man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the
water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is
falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the
fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt
shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the
fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and
rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
The greatest truck driver in the world was driving along a country lane late one night when his truck broke down. All he could see was a faint light in the distance. So he headed towards it. He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door.
“Hello,” he says, “I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck is broken down. I wonder could I have a bed for the night?”
“Well,” says the farmer, “there's only two rooms, myself and the wife in one, and my young daughter in the other.”
“Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house,” says the greatest truck driver in the world.
“All right,” says the farmer, and they all went to bed.
At four in the morning, the farmer heard the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with his bare ass going up and down.
He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun. He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck driver in the world's asshole. “All right,” he says, “if you're the greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of there with a full load.”
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.
"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."
"Thats wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "Whats the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."
In a rich residential colony, all sons-in-law once decided to send their mothers-in-law for outing and picnic for a change. Accordingly, they hired a bus and packed their mothers-in-law for a good time.
As luck would have it, the bus met with an accident and all the ladies died. There was chaos in the colony and the men were weeping for the deceased. One man in particular, was crying bitterly and could not be solaced by others.
One son-in-law asked: “Were you really that close to your mother-in-law?”
The man: “It's not that. She got late and was left behind.”
Low Battery ( The caller of the year)
A Young man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as "LOW BATTERY".
Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger.
My Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?
A man is in court for murder and the judge says 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'
Then a voice at the back of the court says, 'You bastard.'
Then the judge continues, 'You are also charged With beating your daughter to death with a hammer.'
Again the voice at the back of the court says, 'You bastard.'
The judge says, 'Now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt, now what is the problem?'
Then the man at the back of the court says, 'Fifteen years I lived next door to that b@stard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!'
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where were you when I got married?"
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 12 gauge shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of a few ounce's of buckshot in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... And there was his doctor, Sven.
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of DA buckshot."
"What's the bad news?", asks Ole
"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in DA Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."
DILEMMA
One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”
He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that.
Imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man on the other.
Who are you going to turn your back on?
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman.
She looked the man sternly and said, "I've got news for you young man - you're going straight to hell!"
The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "Oh bugger, I'm on the wrong bus!"
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"
Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summer day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in.
A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.
Having gotten out of the water and discovered that her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home.
Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana.
“Come,” he said, “I'll ride you into town.”
She jumped on his bicycle and rode sidesaddle in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, “Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?”
“Sure,” said Steve. “Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?”
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
