A son asked his mother the following question:
“Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies: “Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.”
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
“Dad why are wedding dresses white?”
The father looks at his son in surprise and says: “Son, all household appliances come in white.”
He is still in intensive care…
Little Timmy hears rustling in his parents' bedroom. So he pushes open the door to find his dad upon his mom going at it. They both look at Timmy but finish what they're doing. When they finish Dad says he'll take care of it.
He goes to Timmy's room and opens up the door to find Timmy on top of Grandma. Dad says "Timmy what the hell are you doing?"
Timmy replies "Ain't so damn funny when it's YOUR mother now is it?"
Bob is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Jon walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Bob what the problem is.
"Well," said Bob, "I ran afoul of one of those questions only women ask. Now I'm in trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Jon.
"She asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," said Jon. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'"
"Yeah," said Bob, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO.'"
A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia his truck has got a 'roo bar on the front that protects it if he hits a kangaroo. Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his 'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, so he gets on his CB radio and asks for advice. "Breaker breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar. How can I get it out?"
A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out."
So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls straight out. "OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem."
"What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio.
"What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"
Q: Did you hear about the new Japanese camera?
A: It's so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed.
Q: If America's go "That's Incredible." What's Australia's version?
A: "Well I'll be ****ed!"
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a
seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp,
then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his
handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the
Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they
had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air
and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting
the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they
had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never
drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar,
and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the
bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many
Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads...
He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown
Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow.
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says,
"You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true).
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple..
"Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies,
"You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off.............
She flew off, saying........
"Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!"
Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
“Where is my friend Mike?” Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, “Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.”
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, “Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?”
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
“I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,” says Jeff.
“It's not as it appears to be,” says St. Peter. “You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't.”
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."
"What's country style?" asks the city boy.
"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."
Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."
The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've
not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because she and her fellow residents are all one sandwich short of a picnic, they tolerate each other.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad
Mike stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he
said in a firm voice. "Have you got a licence for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William
popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and
held it up to him. William nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers
Brian stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable
(for his age) erection in his hand.
"Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyser again!"
An old blind man was standing on the corner when his dog
cocked its leg and pissed all over the bloke's trousers.
The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a dog biscuit.
"You shouldn't reward him for doing something like that," said
a passerby. "He'll never learn."
"I'm not rewarding him," replied the blind bloke. "I'm just trying
to find his mouth so I can kick his arse!"
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Well, as a matter of fact there s. I need you to give him a message"
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper
in the ladies room."
Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin he looked doing it.
An old farmer was sitting on his front porch one day, watching the world
go by, when a young kid went by carrying a whole bunch of wire.
The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha carrying that wire for, son?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just normal wire, this is chicken wire!
I'm gonna go catch me some chickens with it."
The farmer said, "Silly kid, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The kid ignored him and went on down the road. Several hours later, the kid
went walking up the road the other direction, carrying a dozen chickens all
bound up in chicken wire.
The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by
again, this time carrying several rolls of tape.
The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha doing with all that tape?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just normal tape, this is duck tape.
I'm gonna go catch me some ducks with it."
The farmer replied, "Silly kid, don't you know you can't catch ducks with
duck tape?"
The kid ignored him and went on his way. Several hours later, the kid returned
walking up the road carrying a whole bunch of ducks, all wrapped up in duck tape.
The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by
again, this time carrying a stick. The farmer yelled out, "Where ya going with
that stick?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just a normal stick. This is a pussy willow."
The farmer said, "Hold on right there kid. Let me get my hat..."
Three expectant fathers, an Aussie guy, an Aboriginal guy, and a Frenchman,
were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he
has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are
the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up."
The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The Aussie goes right to the
black baby, picks him up and starts rocking him, and with tears of love streaming
from his eyes and says "He's so beautiful".
"What are you doing?" the Aboriginal guy asks, "That is obviously my son."
"I know… I know," said the Aussie with his tears growing to a flood.
"but I didn't want to accidentally get stuck with the French kid."
A MAN and wife are driving down the road speeding when a cop pulls them over.
The cop asks "did you know you were speeding?" The man replies "I was really?
I never speed I can't believe it". The wife interrupts and says "don't listen to him
he always speeds". The man looks to the wife and says will you shut up. The cop
asks for the man's license and the man replies "oh my, you're not going to believe
this but I forgot my license. I never leave home without it usually" The wife interrupts
and says "don't listen to him he never takes his license with him. He doesn't think he'll
ever get caught" the husband turns to the wife and says "will you shut the up!" At this
point the cop goes around to the wife's side of the car and asks "madam, does your
husband always talk to you like this?" She replies "Oh no, only when he's drunk".
One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."
A middle aged woman went to the gynecologist and was told she was
in perfect health and had the vagina of a 20 year old. She was so excited,
she ran home to tell her husband.
"What about your fifty year old arsehole?" he asked
"He didn't say anything about you, dear." she replied.
A married guy is hanging his head.
His wife Says, "Honey, how come you are hanging your head, after all,
it's our 15th wedding anniversary.
Husband Says well honey, I was just thinking back 15 years ago when I
committed that crime, and your father the judge said, "Son, you can spend
15 years at hard labour or marry my daughter". And you know honey, I was
just thinking: I'd be out today"
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy , every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him".
His mom is taken by suprise and says "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The little boy says, That won't work"
His Mom says, "WHY?"
The little boy replies "Because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!!"
A crowd had gathered around a whore and they were about to stone her.
Jesus stepped in front of her and said: "Let he who is without sin, cast the
first stone."
From the back of the crowd came this stone which hit Jesus on the
head and knocked him down. Jesus turned and looked in that direction
and said: "You know mom, sometimes you really piss me off."
Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book.
The teacher noticed the fly sitting on the grade book, so she smacked it with a ruler. But, the fly didn't fly away, so she smacked the grade book once again. Again, the fly didn't fly away.
This drove the teacher mad, so she started to pound the grade book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book quickly amounted to nothing more than a bunch of torn sheets of paper.
With the class laughing, the embarrassed teacher realized what had happened.
That afternoon, the teacher called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.
"That's nothing," remarked Little Johnny's father, "Last week, he drew a naked woman on the fence in our yard and I've been pulling splinters out of my d*** ever since!"
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f@#k off the car!"
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.
"Just for that, I'm not going."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"
