A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.
"Now, what was it she wanted?"
The clerk answered, "Snow."
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."
How tough are Australian men??
The scene is set- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire:
One from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins...
Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to da ground and killed em with my beer hends'.
Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'.
Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
I was in the public
toilets and had just sat down,
a voice from the next cubicle
said “Hi!, how are you?”
Embarrassed, I said, “I'm doing
fine”.
The voice said “So what
are you up to?”.
I said, “Just doing the same
as you, sitting here!”.
From next door, “Can I come
over?”.
Annoyed, I said, "rather
busy right now”.
The voice said, “Listen,
i will have to call you back,
there's an idiot next door
answering all my questions"
Why I fired my secretary:
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She choose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.
Taser....
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an
assailant. The idea is to allow my wife, who would never consider a gun,
adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it
was working.
Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave).
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for
a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong??
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on, with her head cocked
to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button..... And HOLY
$HIT, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure
Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again!!!
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-...
That hurt like hell!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), collected what little wits I had left, sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh,
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.
Still in shock,
Earl
Chili
"I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're
definitely going to **** yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, a nd disgustedly said, 'Sonavabitch' and quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.."
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary
“Haven't I seen you before?”
- ”Nice ass.”
“I'm a Romantic.”
- ”I'm poor.”
“I need you.”
- ”My hand is tired.”
“I am different from all the other guys.”
- ”I am not circumcised.”
“I want a commitment.”
- ”I'm sick of masturbation.”
“You're the only girl I've ever cared about.”
- ”You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.”
“I really want to get to know you better.”
- ”So I can tell my friends about it.”
“It's just orange juice, try it.”
- ”3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.”
“She's kinda cute.”
- ”I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”
“I don't know if I like her.”
- ”She won't sleep with me.”
“I miss you so much.”
- ”I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.”
“Was it good for you?”
- ”I'm insecure about my manhood.”
“How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?”
- ”Is my penis really that small?”
“I had a wonderful time last night.”
- ”Who the hell are you?”
“Do you love me?”
- ”I've done something stupid and you might find out.”
“Do you 'really' love me?”
- ”I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.”
“How much do you love me?”
- ”I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now.”
“I have something to tell you.”
- ”Get tested.”
“I'll give you a call.”
- ”I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”
“I've been thinking a lot.”
- ”You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.”
“I think we should just be friends.”
- ”You're ugly.”
“I've learned a lot from you.”
- ”Next!!!!”
“I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?”
- ”I gotta turn on my answering machine.”
"G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"
"I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the Minge by a Hornet...now her Vagina has completely closed up!"
"Bummer mate"
"Great idea! Thanks mate!"
An Army chaplain, walking through a notorious section of town, saw a soldier exiting a known house of prostitution. The soldier paused on the sidewalk and gestured with his right hand in a manner familiar to the good Catholic chaplain
The chaplain promptly approached the errant soldier, saying, “I'm sorry to see a good Catholic lad like you, coming out of a place like that.”
“Well, padre, I'm not Catholic,” answered the GI.
“But I clearly saw you cross yourself as you came out of there.”
“No – but when I come out of a place like that, I always check four things: My spectacles, my testicles, my watch and my wallet.”
Memorandum
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
PREFERRED: Perhaps I can work late.
OLD: When the f**k do you expect me to do this?
PREFERRED: I'm certain that is not feasible.
OLD: No f**king way.
PREFERRED: Really?
OLD: You've got to be sh!tting me.
PREFERRED: Perhaps you should check with …
OLD: Tell someone who gives a sh!t.
PREFERRED: Of course I'm concerned.
OLD: Ask me if I give a sh!t.
PREFERRED: I wasn't involved in that project.
OLD: Its not my f**king problem.
PREFERRED: That's interesting behavior.
OLD: What the ****?!
PREFERRED: I'm not sure I can implement this.
OLD: F**k it, it won't work.
PREFERRED: I'll try to schedule that.
OLD: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner.
PREFERRED: Are you sure this is a problem.
OLD: Who the f**k cares.
PREFERRED: He's not familiar with the problem.
OLD: He's got his head up his a$$.
PREFERRED: Excuse me sir?
OLD: Eat sh!t and die mother****er.
PREFERRED: So you weren't happy with it?
OLD: Kiss my a$$!
PREFERRED: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
OLD: F**k it, I'm on salary.
PREFERRED: I don't think you understand.
OLD: Shove it up your a$$.
PREFERRED: I love a challenge.
OLD: This job sucks.
PREFERRED: You want me to take care of that?
OLD: Who the hell died and made you boss.
PREFERRED: I see.
OLD: Blow me.
PREFERRED: Yes, we really should discuss it.
OLD: Another f**king meeting!
PREFERRED: I don't think this will be a problem.
OLD: I really don't give a sh!t.
PREFERRED: He's somewhat insensitive.
OLD: He's a f**king pr!ck.
PREFERRED: She's an aggressive go getter
OLD: She's a ball busting b!tch.
PREFERRED: I think you could use more training
OLD: You don't know what the f**k you're doing.
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept
that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the cheque, and explains to
her what has happened.
She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if
you can get disability!"
Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q: How do you find a fat girl's vag?
A: You flip through the folds until you smell s**t, And then go back one.
Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses "I want to do a
miracle so we can feel like the good old days." and Moses says "Yeah sure." So Jesus
gets up and says "I think I'll walk on the water, that was always a good one." So Jesus
walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses
drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him. Moses then says "What's the problem?"
and Jesus says, "I think its the holes in my feet!"
While visiting Rome, an Australian tourist was filming the Vatican with a new duty-free
video camera.
He just happened to pan across and spot the Pope having a wank in the bushes.
He zoomed in closer and, just as the Pope shot his load, he spotted the tourist filming him.
"Jesus Christ!" he groaned.
Turning to the tourist, he said, "May I buy your camera?"
"No ****ing way! I just got it duty-free." Replied the Aussie.
"I'll give you $20,000 for it!" the Pope begged.
"Really?" said the tourist. "Yeah, all right mate."
"Later, a Vatican guard saw the Pope with his new toy.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness, how much did you pay for the video camera?"
"$20,000." Replied the Pope.
"S**t!" said the guard. "Some bastard sure saw you coming!"
Top 10 Reasons
Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and mad cow disease?
A: Two tits!
Two ants are playing a fast game of tennis in a saucer.
After the game they sit on the edge of the saucer toweling themselves
off and one ant turns around and says: "Mate, you'll have to improve
your game for tomorrow."
The other ant asks: "Why?"
The first ant replies: "We're playing in the cup tomorrow."
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and
the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various
methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that
the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the
heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her
heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that
her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot
herself in the left kneecap.
This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where's the
bathroom at? The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and
wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again
and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of
the bathroom again. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to
investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He opened the door and
asked the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring
all my customers away." The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and
every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out
of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "No
wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket you idiot!!!
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him 'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'Herman, remember that blow job I always promised you? Here it comes!
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only
be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die,
and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay
him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up
with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old
friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and
wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out
of her misery,have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the
car,then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
I just love happy endings!
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist..
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had a $5 each way !
Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted!
Had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....I still have a bit between my teeth.
Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.
Anyone want a burger from Tesco? yay or neigh?
"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"
I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."
Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'
I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.
These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead.. NO! NO NO NO!
Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots.
To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian.
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"
Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean
"This should be taken care of right away."
Meaning: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Well, what do we have here...?"
Meaning: He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
Meaning: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Meaning: I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
- or -
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
Meaning: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Meaning: Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
Meaning: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
Meaning: He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Meaning: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Meaning: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Meaning: I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Meaning: Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
Meaning: I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
Meaning: The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Meaning: Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
Meaning: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around."
Meaning: That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Meaning: I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off next week.
A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...........
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
