First year students at Medical School were receiving Their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."
The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead! "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things
went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on thisplane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then the man from Texas stood up inthe rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and
hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his
shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed
his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.
She gasped...
Then, he spoke...
'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
f(x) walks into a bar and tries to organize his friend's 21st. Barman: 'Sorry, we don't do functions'.
Whats the difference between a blond and a brick?
A brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Politically (and racially and religiously and sexually) incorrect
I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It's not an official race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Tosser" & then off we go....
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69.
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $2.50/min (charges may vary).
Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bankstown.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in
the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's
husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the
cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm
going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk...
Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'
Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ......
Chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
TWO PRAWNS.
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
Came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
And I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
. . . . . . .
. . . . . . . .
'I've found Cod. And now I'm a Prawn again Christian'
Always choose a memorable password!
A woman helps her husband install a new computer.
Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password,
Selecting a word that he'll always remember.
As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife
And with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye,
He selects a word:
???Mypenis???
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife Collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!
The computer had replied:
TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
for face book users, (you need to be logged on to FB)
Hi Friends. I don't normally post things like this on here, but thought you might benefit from it in a good way? There is a CERTAIN person on Facebook who keeps sending me naked photos of themselves. I have asked nicely for them to stop it but they won't. So here it is publicly. I told them if they didn't stop I would spread the word. If you know them, ask them to stop it for me.....
This is their profile:
http://facebook.com/profile.php?=7332236
Feck Face Book and Mark Zuckerberg.
If it ain't on Seabreeze, it ain't my kind of social media.
No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: "Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand."
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
PS If you are looking for Sympathy you will find it between Sh/t and Syphilis in the Dictionary
I was sitting at a Red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn Green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud men, shouting anti-Aussie slogans, with a half- burned Aussie Flag duct-taped to the boot lid of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Bloody hell! That could have been me !" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.
_________________
Tell ya what Cassa. Anybody who picks Vibes as his avatar has to have his heart in the right place and that joke confirms it.
Did you hear about the asthmatic that got pulled over for a random breath test?
He is pulled over and the cop says I want you to blow in this device.
Guy says I am sorry officer, I can't do that as I am an asthmatic and it might cause an asthmatic seizure from which I might die.
Cop says OK down to the station for a blood test.
Guy says I am sorry officer, I can't do that either as I am a haemophiliac and I might bleed to death.
Cop says well OK get out of the car and walk a straight line.
Guy says I am sorry officer, I can't do that either because I am too p1ssed.
What's the difference between pink and purple?
The grip.
Why is a 9V battery just like a woman's date?
You know it's wrong, but sometime you're going to put your tongue on it.
Australian Telephone Operator: "G'day mate...Helpline here...What's the problem?"
Customer: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh
by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"
Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"
Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.
97-year-old Joe goes to the Doc and asks for a scrip for Viagra, but he wants them cut into quarters.
Doc says "Joe, in your condition a root would kill you. Don't do it. And why quarters?"
Joe says "I don't want to get it all the way up, I'm just tired of pissing on my shoes!"
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the
time I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters ..... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram.
An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. Yes, I am Jesus' he says.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.' So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.
The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?' Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, mate! r you Jesus?' Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over pint of Coopers Pale Ale for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone...It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone...It's a Miracle!'
Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face...
...the Aussie leans over to Jesus and whispers...'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp'.
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I
decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving
attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out
trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I
thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a
treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I
considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous
reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow
sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up
in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went
down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and
stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was
replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like
being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the
ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until
that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to
stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the
destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my
bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in
blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I
struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this
time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the
fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer
drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned
it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted
fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the
shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any
treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was
sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I
later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet
as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some
between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of
the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the
space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably
and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a
gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths
I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution
my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the
sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the
strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment
to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the
air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up
my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably
this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard
her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which
resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her
direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg
at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she
was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the
strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum
it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)
People are often struck by the warmth and heart wrenching simplicity of
Australian bush poetry.
It can bring a tear to the eye and a lump to the throat.
Australians are so remarkably blessed to have such an abundant wealth of
talented bush poets,
through whom future generations can learn about our history and our unique
lifestyle.
Here's a classic example - a wonderfully simple, yet poignant poem about the
humble tomato.
"I know a Muslim whose name is Tim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these do, 'cos they're still in the tin."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
Sure, they said, you're welcome.
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight,??? said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man. "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save ya a grand here."
Select to expand quote<div>
<div>
<div>
<div>
<div>THE SCOTTISH COW.
<div class="WordSection1">The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .
It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland "
Telling a lie is
1. Sin for a child.
2. Fault for an adult.
3. An art for a lover.
4. A profession for a lawyer.
5. A requirement for a politician.
6. An accomplishment for a bachelor.
7. A management tool for a Boss.
8. An excuse for a subordinate.
9. A matter of survival for a married man !!!
Jim was just out of Navy boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary."
The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttle- butt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little round window over there."
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "
