A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, a proton, "How much for a drink?" | "For you," says the proton, "No charge." | "Are you sure?" queries the neutron. | "I'm positive," replies the barkeep. | "How about a free one for my buddy, the electron?" asks the neutron. | "That's a negative," says the bartender.
A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve any superconductors here". The room temperature superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.
Higgs Boson walks into a church...
The priest says, "We don't allow Higgs Boson here."
Higgs Boson says, "But without me, you wouldn't have mass!"
A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accomodation is dreadful..."
One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I sat on it."
A man ask's his wife "what would you do if I won the lotto?"
His wife says" I would divorce you and take half"
The man replies " Here's ten bucks now f#$k off"
Zen monk goes to a hot dog stand
says Make me One with everything.
Pays for hot dog with a tenner but receives no change
Hot Dog man says Change must come from within.
Q : What did the jewish paedophile say to the little boy
A : Hey little boy, would you like to buy some candy
Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?
A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red.
Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?
A: Quark, quark, quark!
Three months before his 1905 seminal relativity paper, Einstein perform the following thought experiment, which, by the way, is known as a gedanken experiment in theoretical physics:
Einstein imagined, "If I vere to put my hand on a hot stove for a minute, it vould seem like an hour. But if I vere to sit with a pretty girl for an hour, it vould seem like a minute. By Jove, I think time is relative."
A six-year-old boy spotted Albert Einstein walking down the street and decided to try out his favorite joke on him: "Mr. Einstein! Why did the chicken cross the road?" To which the famous physicist replied, "My young burgeoning mind, zee question does not have a definite anzer. Vether zee chicken crossed zee road or zee road crossed zee chicken depends on your frame of reference."
I guess I should have posted on the forum "I blew the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3" instead of "I just f****d a 14-year-old Escort".
The police have confiscated my computer.
On the bright side, my wife has gone to live with her mother.
Michael Jackson and wife are in the maternity ward shortly after the birth of their first child, the doting father whispers to his wife "so when can we start having sex ?". The suffering wife replies "oh Michael, can you at least wait till he's walking" .
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer
An Sydney couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such a middle aged couple is
asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the
way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he
charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse
with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and best of all....
Medicare pays $43 of it.
Was just reading the instruction sheet that came with my latest delivery of Viagra, somewhere down near the bottom it says (keep away from children). Huh ?
A huge shipment of Viagra has just been hijacked from the dockyard.
The police are looking for some old hardened criminals.
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous,Gorgeous, and Hot"
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read,
'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again Paddy asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'
I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this
really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said,
"Give me your number, sexy."
I replied "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said "Yes."
I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're
missing."
We had a outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad &
my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I
couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make some coffee and then I remembered that this
also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a real nice person.
Not really a joke, but
Does it say anywhere in the suicide bombers recruitment booklet, koran, whatever, that the 50 or so virgins you'll be getting are actually female ?
Wouldn't that be a bummer
