The ultimate ethnic joke
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan),
an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian,
a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese,
a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian,
an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian,
a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian,
an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian,
a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede,
a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,
walk into a very fine restaurant.
After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says "I'm sorry",..........
"You can't come in here without a Thai. "
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Green Bay, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Lesson: Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco .
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something.
We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks steps into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The trucker replied, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny. . . . . . . .I'm homesick.
Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining In Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
An Irish daughter had not been home for more than five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, snif******ad...I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership in the country club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute Dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Begorrah! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said 'a Protestant.' Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
^ Copied and pretty crap joke really. Only post them so as to get people to put new ones up. This one is quite funny:
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma,it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy 's mum wants to talk to you.'
A priest and a rabbi are driving down the road in a car, there is a little boy sitting by the side of the road.
The priest yells, "stop the car! stop the car! I want to get out and screw that little kid"
The rabbi says, "out of what?"
I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still f&#king celebrating!"
I just got sacked from my job with the Lifeline crisis centre.
A guy called Mohammed phoned and said, "My girlfriend left me, so I'm lying on the railway track at Sydney Central waiting for the train to come".
I swear, all I said was,"Remain calm and stay on the line".
Would You marry Again? - Priceless
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over
at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND:"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND:"Sure, it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND:"Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND:"That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "****."
An Acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...
A Cardiologist's Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.
The priest fainted...................
I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says, "Fancy a shag, Babe?"
I said, "After the football love."
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".
Men and wife are eating dinner.
Somehow wife pour the soup over her.
To turn it to joke she said:
- I look as a pig 
- Yes, indeed and you even spill the soup on you
A Higgs Boson particle walks into a Catholic church,
A priest approaches it and says, "Hey, you're not allowed in here!"
To which the particle replies,
"But father, without me, how can you have mass?"
Pretty pathetic really but the best one posted today!
What do you call an Irishman who stands outside all night in the rain?
Paddy O'Furniture
Why did Moses and the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Someone lost a quarter.
Why don't they teach drivers education and sex education on the same day in Iran?
Too hard on the camel.
A History Lesson
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Leftists; and
2. Right wingers.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the right wingers by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Leftist movement.
Some of these leftist men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as homosexuals.
Some noteworthy leftist achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that right wingers provided.
Modern leftists like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard leftist fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are leftists.
Right wingers drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Right wingers are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, jet fighter pilots, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, sailors, and generally anyone who works productively. Right wingers who own companies hire other right wingers who want to work for a living.
Leftists produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Leftists believe Europeans are more enlightened than everyone else. That is why most of the leftists remained in Europe when right wingers were coming to Australia and America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Leftist may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above. A right winger will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more leftists just to piss them off.
A man walks up to the counter at the patent office and puts down an apple. The patent officer looks at the man and says "mate apples have been around for years, you can't patent that".
The man responds with "take a bite". The patent officer takes a bite of the apple and says "Yep tastes like an apple". The man says "Turn it around and take another bite" which the patent office does... "Wow, that tastes like a pear, that's incredible!" he says.
The man responds with "That's nothing, I'm working on one that will taste like a woman's anatomy!!!". The patent office is so excited and tells the man to bring it to him as soon as he can.
A few weeks pass and the man walks into the patent office goes straight up to the counter and places his new apple on the counter... The patent officer is so excited he grabs the apple and takes a big bite, he gags and spits out the mouthful of apple. "Yuck" he says, "That tastes like sh1t!"..... The man says.... "Turn it around!!!!"
