One day a man goes for a long walk in the country, after a while he comes upon a man working in a field.
He calls out to the man, "excuse me, can you tell me how long it will take to get to the next town?"
The man in the field just stares at him and says nothing, after a moment the man just shrugs his shoulders and keeps walking.
After he gets a few hundred meters away suddenly the man in the field yells out, "about half an hour"
The man turns around and says, "thank you, but why didn't you answer me when I first asked you?"
The man in the field says, "I didn't know how fast you walked"
Wife stand by mirror, looking at her reflection, sigh and say to her husband:
- I gained weight, have more wrinkles, hairs not the same.. I look ugly ..
Tell me something nice darling
- Your eyesight is still good
One of these days Beaglebuddy you may have an original thought of your own. Better hope you are on the dunny at the time, because it may scare the sht out of you.
Ever heard of a bloke called Lenin, by the way? He'd have you for breakfast mate, and pick his teeth with your backbone.
An old joke, a man works for the state animal control agency, he is called out to a residence.
The resident tells him that his pet gorilla has escaped and run up a tree but he has a plan because this has happened before, he just needs some help.
Take this dog and these handcuffs, handing him the leash, I will climb up the tree and shake it until the gorilla falls out, at which time you will unleash the dog, the dog is specially trained to go after the gorillas nuts but the gorilla will anticipate this because we have done this before so he will stick his hands down and cover up his nuts, at this time you will take the handcuffs and handcuff the gorilla then we've got him.
OK says the animal control officer, then as as the man is walking away he stops and turns around and hands the officer a handgun.
What's this for? the officer asks.
I'll tell you if I need to the man responds.
The man climbs up the tree and begins shaking it but the ape has anticipated this and is holding on tight, the man shakes the tree for all he is worth which causes him to lose his grip and fall from the tree.
As he is falling he yells to the man on the ground, "shoot the dog"
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me . We're the same age, We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politician s, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament
House.'
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door, and then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out
of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the ****
out of a Politician there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how to do it."
A bear walks into a pub, walks up to the bar and says to the bar tender 'I'll have a beer thanks'.
The bar tender says 'sorry mate we don't serve bears and we don't serve drug addicts'.
The bear is furious, he roars, takes a huge bite out of the bar, spits it out and says 'mate I might be a bear but I am no drug addict'.
The bar tender looks at the bear and says... 'What about the bar-bit-you-ate'....
A Nazi, a Paedophile and a Liar walk into a bar.
Bartender says: What'll it be Your Holiness?
A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colours she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream colour."
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose colour. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the colour I would like the room?"
The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying grass across the street."
Have You Ever Danced?
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and s aid, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
On March 23, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a gunshot wound to the head caused by a shotgun.
Investigation to that point had revealed that the deceased had jumped from the top of a ten story building with the intent to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency).
As he passed the 9th floor on the way down, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, killing him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been erected at the 8th floor level to protect some window washers and that the deceased would not have been able to complete his intent to commit suicide because of this.
Ordinarily, a person who starts in motion events with a suicidal intent ultimately commits suicide even though the mechanism might be not what he intended.
That he was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below, probably would not change his mode of death from suicide to homicide.
But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been achieved under any circumstance caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
Further investigation led to the discovery that the room on the 9th floor from whence the shotgun blast had emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife.
He was threatening her with the shotgun because of a spat and became so upset that he could not hold the shotgun straight.
Therefore, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking the deceased.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.
The man was confronted with this conclusion, but both he and his wife were adamant in stating that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. It was the long-time habit of the old man to threaten his wife with an unloaded shotgun.
He had no intent to murder her; therefore, the killing of the deceased appeared to be an accident - That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
But further investigation turned up a witness that their son was seen loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal accident.
That investigation showed that the mother (the old lady) had cut off her son's financial support and her son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that the father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Further investigation revealed that the son became increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to get his mother murdered.
This led him to jump off the story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a 9th story window.
The medical examiner closed the case as a 'suicide!'
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
A cowboy rides into town off the hot and dusty trail. He hitches his horse, walks around to its rear end, lifts the tail and plants a big kiss on the horses arse.
A bystander who has witnessed this says to the cowboy, "excuse me sit but I couldnt help but notice you kiss your horse on the arse".
The cowboy replies "yes that's correct I have chapped lips".
The bystander says "wow does that fix them"?
The cowboy answer "no but it sure stops you licking them...."
Two aliens landed in the Texas desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never **** with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large birdcage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.
Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"
Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."
Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
"Don't be so silly," Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.
Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
I came home the other day, and the wife has left a note on the fridge saying
"This is just not working anymore, it has been bad for too long. I am sorry but I just have to leave, I will be staying at my Mothers"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I dunno what the hell she was on about....
" Morning Sex "
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the T shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Two men of indeterminate racial origins were lost in a desert for three weeks. Starving they were, as the food had run out on the second day. Plenty of water they had, in an all purpose hand drawn cart. Tired were they, as it is hard to sleep when hungry you are.
Off in the distance, circling vultures they could see. A possible food source, they did think. In that direction, they did travel. A cold, bloated, maggot oozing camel they did find.
"That I could not eat." the first man said. "I can eat any thing." the second man stated and sated himself with that hearty repast.
Onward did they journey 'til the second man, complaining of feeling unwell erupted in profuse vomitting where upon the first man exclaimed "At last a hot meal" and scoffed the lot.
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
“Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“Well my mother has one and she says it eats ****ing batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
