Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our bloody tent!"
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit it with an axe.
It's the Olympics in London .
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland ," he says, "Discus," and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England ," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
"O'Malley, Ireland ," he says, "Fencing."
Why did President Truman drop the first atomic bomb?
Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
There was once a mean old magician who lived next door to his two beautiful assistants. He mistreated them terribly, but they were afraid of him and his magic tricks and were too scared to leave. He owed his fame to them, for people would come from miles around to see them on stage, and to see the crowning act of his performance when he would saw the girls in half right before their very eyes.
The crowds would cheer and cheer for the girls, but the more they did the more the magician resented them and the worse his treatment became. He would have rid himself of them but he knew they were the only reason his show remained popular.
One night as he locked the girls away in their house he failed to latch the bolt fully and left the door unlocked. The girls had been waiting for just this opportunity. They crept out of their house, across the yard, out the gate, down the path and into his yard. They tip-toed across the yard and waited under his bedroom window until they heard the sound of snoring.
They crept in through the door, went to his magicians' trunk and removed the saw that he used on stage. They snuck into his room, and standing one either side of his bed, sawed him clean in two with his very own saw.
Thus confirming the Biblical moral: If you live by the sawed, you will die by the sawed.
There is an old Hotel /Pub in Marble Arch, London , which used to have a gallows adjacent to it. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) to be hung.
The horse-drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.
If he said YES, it was referred to as ONE FOR THE ROAD.
If he declined, that prisoner was ON THE WAGON.
So there you go. More bleeding history.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "piss poor", but worse than that were the really poor folk, who couldn't even afford to buy a pot, they "Didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold. (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: ''Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old''.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.. When visitors came over they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around talking and ''chew the fat''.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''The Upper Crust''.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people, so they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus someone could be, ''Saved by the Bell ''or was considered a ''Dead Ringer''
And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said history was boring ! ! !
A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks “W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?”
The man replies, ” I am waiting to see the doctor.”
“W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?”
The man replies, “Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem.
” A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?”
“Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk.”
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went.
“The first night we did it nine times,” Bill said. “The second night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and last night, nothing!”
“Nothing?” his pal asked. “How come?”
“Well, have you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?”
A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, “What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?”
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, “Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are meant for 'cats'?”
A flat chested young woman goes to the doctor to see about a breast enlargement. The doctor tells her that she can get the same result if every morning she pumps her arms in and out as says the rhyme, "Mary had a little lamb it's fleece was white as snow, if I do this every day my breasts are sure to grow"
So religiously every morning before she leaves for work she pumps her arms and repeats the rhyme. Things are looking great and her breasts are showing signs of growing.
One morning she wakes up late and rushes out to catch the train, worried that if she misses just one day all the good results will be lost, she proceeds to perform her morning exercises on the Train, pumping her arms she says "Mary had a little lamb it's fleece was white as snow, if I do this every day my breasts are sure to grow".
As she finishes a man walks up to her and says, "you see doctor Brown don't you"? The woman says "why yes how did you know"? The man squats up and down and says.... "Hickory dickory dock..........."
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot slaps the son.
The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies.”
Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”
Son says, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son, again.
Son says, “Ok, Ok we were watching porn.”
Dad says, “What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!”
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, “Well he certainly is your son!”
The robot slaps the mother!
CHEWING
GUM!
An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American,
who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You
Australian folk eat the whole
bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container,recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his
face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with
your bread?' Sighing, theAustralian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the
American said, 'we don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the
leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing
gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow!" comments the midget. "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self-hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.
However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.
This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head."
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb a--hole', is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Sheldon used to bet on horses regularly. One day he was running into a lot of bad luck when he noticed a priest, Father John, going to the track and blessing the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 5th race.
And guess what happened - the horse won the race!
Before the next race, Father John blessed yet another horse. Sheldon hurried to the booking window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Sheldon collected his winnings, and eagerly waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 7th race. Father John blessed yet another horse, so Sheldon bet a large sum of money on it, and it won!
Finally, Father John went to the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Sheldon bet every cent he had, including his life savings and the deed to his house. To his horror, he witnessed the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.
He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? So far all the horses you blessed had won. But the last horse you blessed lost the race. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!"
Father John nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants - you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
Gentleman and an elderly lady
Struck up a conversation and discovered that
They both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
They decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
Headed to the river to his fishing boat and
Started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
Fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
And pants and made mad passionate love to the man
Right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
What had just happened, but he had just experienced
The best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
River, when soon they came upon another fork in the
River.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
And made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
He asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day,
Riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
River, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
Guided the boat down the river when he came upon
Another fork in the river and he asked the
Lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
You if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
Passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
My hearing aid and I thought the choices were
F*** or drown!'
The wit of the Scots
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says,
"The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, "Oh sh--...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-
blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction
of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or  ½
socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel debris.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford,
and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug
nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to
make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.
Like
An Art Gallery decided to sell some of its artwork. They reduced the prices on Oil Paintings, Water Colours,and Lithographs, but the price of the Charcoal Sketches and Drawings higher up the walls, remained the same.
A customer asked "What is keeping the Charcoals so high?"
The Salesman replied,
"CARBON TACKS !"
An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.
Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.
One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.
"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's."
"What are you doing there?"
"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."
"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"
"Parkinson's."
A website specializing in rating drug tourists' experiences is calling for an Amsterdam cafe to be closed down.
AcidTripAdvisor.con says it's been snowed under with trading standards complaints from some slightly ditsy size zero super models.
They're pissed after paying over the odds and snorting a whole load of illicit white powders that turned out to be nothing more than saccharine.
Apparently they thought it was 'diet' coke.
A young boy, who had a lisp, was supposed to start school one day, and was told by his mother to wait by the bus stop. The kid goes to the bus stop, sees the bus and starts waving his arms and shouting: "Buth driver .. Buth Driver thtop thtop!"
The bus just keeps on going.
The next day, after his mother was upset for the bus not stopping, tells him to go to the bus stop and wave an old rag she gave him. Again, he follow his mother's instructions, waving the old rag and shouting "Hey buth driver.. buth driver, thtop thtop!!.." Again, the bus just goes by.
When he returned home, his mother was really upset and tells him: "Damn it, tomorrow I want you to go out and stand in the middle of the street, and he'll stop for sure."
The next day, he's waiting for the bus, sees it, stands in the middle of the street and starts waving the rag and shouting: "Hey buth driver...buth driver...thtop thtop!!"
The bus just keeps going, hits him, knocks him down and breaks every bone in his body. Upset, after his mother found out about this, she went to the school to complain to the school's principal, who calls the bus driver to the office and questions him about about his action.
"Why did you hit that poor boy?" the principal asked.
The bus driver replies: "I can't thtand kidth that make fun of me!"
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. Life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death! What is that, a bonus?
The cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for high school. You go to primary school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating. You finish off as an orgasm.
Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet. Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask."
"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."
"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How?"
"He punctured my condoms!"
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"Shoot!" Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
A scientist named Walter invented a shrinking ray.
He tried it on himself, and it worked. Unfortunately he couldn't reverse the process, and he was stuck being the size of a normal man's thumb.
He had a loyal lab assistant who worked with him, though, so his diminutive size didn't affect Walter's work too much.
Still, after a while, Walter began to long for female companionship.
His lab assistant thought up a highly unethical plan. He planned to get a couple of ladies of the night, shrink them down to Walter's size, and keep them shrunk until they could figure out a way to reverse the process.
The lab assistant went to Times Square and tried to get the young ladies, but it was trickier than it seemed. They were reluctant to travel all the way to the lab, but the lab assistant offered to double their usual rate, so they finally agreed.
As soon as they stepped into the lab, the assistant turned on the shrinking ray. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke, and
when the air had cleared --- the prostitutes were exactly the same size as they were before.
"What's the big idea? Eek!" One of the prostitutes saw Walter scurrying across the floor and squashed him flat with her shoe.
Walter was dead, and the experiment was ruined. This was all because the lab assistant forgot what everyone already knows: ...
... You can lead the whores to Walter, but you can't make 'em shrink.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach
good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice
young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said:
'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once
and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of
mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted.
Betty is hired to play her trumpet on the score of a movie, and she's excited. She's especially thrilled because she got to take two long solos.
After the sessions, which went great, Betty can't wait to see the finished product. She asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.
A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told Betty where she can go to see it.
A month later, Betty , with her collar up and wearing dark sunglasses, went to the theatre where the picture is playing. She walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever…group sex, S&M, golden showers…and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.
Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Betty turned to the old couple and whispered, “I'm only here for the music.”
The woman turned to Betty and whispered back, “That's okay, we're here to see our dog.”
