A Hippo who has recently relocated walks into the local bar and orders a glass of water. The bartending Badger obliges and the Hippo drinks and surveys the scene. A bunch of Squirrels are sitting at the bar with a Gnu talking politics. Their conversation is suddenly interrupted by the sound, sight and smell of the Hippo grunting loudly before launching a projectile spray of diarrhea.
"Holy sheeting Hippo's" one of the Squirrels exclaims (She is Hispanic btw), while she, the other Squirrels, the Gnu and other bar patrons take stock of what has just happened. The Hippo blushes, appologises profusely, asks the bartending Bear for some serviettes and proceeds to clean up the foul smelling mess. Bartending Badger summons the Aardvark, who manages the bar, and both help the Hippo, who has started to cry, to mop up the wretchid mess.
The Aardvark, who happens to be seeing a Psychologist for help with PTSD, re-assures the Hippo that things are not as bad as they seem. The Hippo calms down enough to talk to the Aardvark, and reveals that it is his first, and probably last, visit to the bar.
"I recently moved, partly for work and partly because I have had this problem with ****ting in bars and have been 'banned', because, you know, people like to relax at a bar, not to be assaulted by a the sight, sound and smell of my ****"
The understanding Aardvark offers the contact details for his Psychologist to the Hippo along with the invitation to return anytime. Outside the bar, one of the Squirrels asks the Hippo if he is ok, to which the Hippo replies "yes, yes I think I will be O.K.".
Many months pass and the Hippo meets with the Psychologist weekly. The Hippo feels good, and the Hippo realises that the transition to the new location is going pretty good when he mentally checks off Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.
Fast forward another six months and the Hippo once again walks into the Bar. The Gnu recognises him, makes him feel welcome, and then summons the Squirrels who are head banging to Jello Biafra and the Guantanamo School of Medicine at the jukebox.
Warm welcomes are exchanged and the Aardvark offers a round on the house. The conversation flows until suddenly the Hippo's arse starts to rumble violently.
"Is that an earthquake?" asks a Portuguese Mini Pig, who has just joined the party.
"Uh- oh" exclaims one of the Squirrels as she looks at the Hippos rapidly swelling belly. For what seems like an eternity the group are frozen in fear. Then the inevitable happens and the Hippos' bowels erupt, covering everyone and everything in ****.
Stunned silence follows...............The Portuguese Mini Pig starts to cry........................................
The Aardvark, wiping **** from his eyes, notices that the Hippo is still sipping his drink, as though nothing has happened.
The Hippo swivels his head and surveys the scene. He then acknowledges the stunned crowd and calmly states
"Aardvaark, that Psychologist you recommended is great. No-one is to worry, I don't feel bad about this at all"
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the local gas station. He isn't very careful, and he gets gasoline all over his jacket's left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after paying for the gas. As he's driving down the highway, the heat of the sun on his truck's black paint is enough to ignite his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter! As he speeds down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over. He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the fire is extinguished. As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer, he sees the officer is writing him a summons!
Confused, he asks, "You're writing me a ticket!? What for?"
The officer replies, "Possession of an illegal fire arm."
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was - 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The
question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally,in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote
It comes in two attractive containers
It's fresher and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A
The Man Code
1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bull****!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.
10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. Do not torpedo single friends.
12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"
14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
15. If a mans zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything!
16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)
17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.
19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.
24. Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.
25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.
26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.
27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don't let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights: "Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That's just mean.
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the Bledisloe Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Bledisloe Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one lastopinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie b*stards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Would you marry Again?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND:(makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND : "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "sh!t."
A number of bartenders were asked if they could predict a person's personality based on drink they ordered. Their answers were very consistent:
Female Drinks
She orders: Beer
Meaning: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
She orders: Blender Drinks
Meaning: Whiny, annoying, high maintenance.
Approach: Avoid her unless you want to be her cabin boy.
She orders: Mixed Drinks
Meaning: Older, more refined, very picky; knows exactly what she wants.
Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she is interested, she'll send you a drink.
She orders: Wine (other than White Zinfandel)
Meaning: Conservative and classy. Sophisticated, yet giggles.
Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
She orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: Easy. Thinks she is classy and sophisticated. Actually clueless.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. This should be an easy.
She orders: Shots
Meaning: Likes to get totally drunk... and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait.
Male Drinks
He orders: Domestic Beer
Meaning: He's poor and wants to get laid.
He orders: Imported Beer
Meaning: He likes good beer, isn't poor, and wants to get laid.
He orders: Wine
Meaning: He's hoping that drinking wine will make him look sophisticated and help him get laid.
He orders: Whiskey
Meaning: He doesn't care about anything but getting laid.
He orders: Tequila
Meaning: He's thinking the toothless waitress looks good.
He orders: White Zinfandel
Meaning: He's gay.
In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of in having sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?”
“That doesn't prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!
THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of sh!t.
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…”
“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that's not it at all.” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll screw her again!!!"
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles.
The husband picks up a case of Tooheys New and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
...
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Tooheys, and it's half the price.'
HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7
"The wife and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one."
"How'd you do that?"
"Well, you know when you're done with a big fight your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?"
"Yeah."
"I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"
A professor was asked to give a talk on sex.
When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone just so. He said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."
And he sat back down.
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing ball with an onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
“How's your sex life?” the doctor asked.
“Pretty good, but I've had some strange side effects.”
“Like what?” the doctor asked anxiously.
“Well, every time I p!ss my eyes water. When my wife gives me a bl0w j0b she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on.”
Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".
To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
I changed my iPod name to Titanic, it's syncing now.
I tried to catch some fog, I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns, It was a play on words .
They told me I had type A blood, but it was Type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
PMS jokes aren't funny, period .
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory, I hope there's no pop quiz.
The Energizer bunny arrested and Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Stay Off Your Bicycle
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices. 'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children - all costs to be borne by Australian Tax Payers.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Afghanistan where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go!
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder 'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms - and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Afghanistan. I want to bring them all over here'
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said "I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl, and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?'
Where is my BMW?
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to sweet F@#k all, just like the rest of us".
PING! and she disappeared.......
1. This chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Guinness or Emu Bitter?"
I said, "Well, there's a tap underneath, why don't you taste it?"
2. I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
3. I went to the pub last night and saw a large woman dancing on a table. I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
4. I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."
5. I got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly I nearly fell in.
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself."
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said 'I looked up beautiful climbing rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said:
Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence no good in an open bed.
Three aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne .. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R – Allah be Praised."
Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne .. We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 27L. - Allah is Great."
Pause....
Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"
Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".
