A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. “How are you grandpa? he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What's the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that's it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. “What are you people doing,” he says, “I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
best Definition of Political Correctness.
There's an annual contest at the GriffithUniversity in Brisbane , calling
for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was 'political correctness'.
The winning student wrote:
'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical
minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of **** by the
clean end.'
The novel "Fifty Shades of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a book Fifty Sheds of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
But in the end we came to the conclusion …the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped,
"You can do whatever you want with me."… So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure……Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the Shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be Punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said.
"What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded. - “Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."
My case comes up on Friday...
A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia
appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular
merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can
think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a
trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South
Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were
threatening a young Sheila. I told them to leave her
alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the
largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him
in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring, and threw it on the
ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or
I'll kick the **** out of the lot of
yas!"
St. Peter was impressed and
asked "When did this
happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes
ago..."
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie appeared in a puff of smoke and said, "And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish, when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie, "That was your first wish, too."
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'' "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases. What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?''
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes...
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks,"
What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
A few years ago at our Air Traffic Centre we received warning that an undisclosed number of US Air Force B2 Bombers would be crossing our FIR [Flight Information Region] at a particular time on a particular day. They would check in with us as they entered our airspace and check out again as they left. They gave us the callsign to expect, and the route was known, so it was logical to assume that they would contact us at a certain time at a certain place. The callsign and reporting points have been changed to protect the innocent. Being the then famous new 'Stealth' bombers we would know little about it but they would pay us the courtesy of letting us know they were there. Eric, a very capable controller with a keen sense of humour was on position, and heard, "UAE Area, this is USAFB2. This is a courtesy call advising that we are about to enter your airspace." Eric replied, "USAFB2, welcome to UAE Airspace, we have you on radar 200 miles out over LOTUS, hope you enjoy your visit." Without thinking the Stealth Bomber replied, "Thank you UAE, it a pleasure to be... Wait - you got us on Radar? 200 miles out? You ****tin' me?" "That's affirmative USAFB2," said Eric,
"I'm ****tin' you. Enjoy your visit."
I met an SR-71 pilot a few years ago. (SR-71 was the USAAF advanced 'stealth' reconnaissance aircraft known as the Blackbird).
He told me this story from his first flight with a new co-pilot: An SR-71 and crew were flying over Southern California when a bug smasher came on the airwaves in a dorky voice: Cessna 152: Ground Control, What's my airspeed? Ground Control: 100 at FL 100. A few moments later a cocky voice came on: Mooney M20: Ground Control, What's MY airspeed? Ground Control: 240 at FL 240. By this time the SR pilot was seething, but since communications were the duty of his new co-pilot, he remained silent. A few moments of radio silence passed, and in the calmest voice imaginable the co-pilot keyed in: SR-71: Ground Control, What's our airspeed? Ground Control: 1875 at FL 800. There were no more speed checks called in that afternoon, and the pilot knew that he had a cool partner in the back seat.
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
O o
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
o O
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your a$$hole before prison, ..."
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewellery store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa,
"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.
"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!
There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!
And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The F@#$%&g Arab.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes
there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the
bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a
year."
A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her new outfit before going out.
She posed this way and that before her husband, who looked on with disinterest, then remarked, 'Your bum is the size of a 4-burner barbecue!'
Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed he lent over, tapped her on the shoulder, and said, 'How bout it?
She replied 'No thanks, It's not worth lighting the whole Barbecue for half a sausage
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems.
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
And the all-time favourite:
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Santa came down the chimney and saw a beautiful blonde dressed in a very sheer negligee she giggled and asked him if he wanted to stay the night. Santa was tempted but he told her he had only one night to deliver the presents. She pouted a little and slowly peeled off the negligee leaving her in lacy bra and just a tiny pair of red knickers. She purred “are you sure you don't want to stay the night. Santa was even more tempted but thought of all the disappointed children and gave the same reply.
So with that the lass reached behind her back and with a soft snap the bra fell to the floor revealing an amazing pair of breasts pert and firm. “Are you sure” she asks again.
Santa gritting his teeth thought of the children and replied that he could not.
The girl looking somewhat dejected slid the knickers down her thighs and let them drop around her ankles. What about now she asks. Santa let out a loud sigh and said “I suppose I'm going to have to stay now because in my current state there is no way I'm ever going to get back up that chimney.
Bluey goes to an outdoor show and wins a tinnie in a competition. When it gets delivered to his home a few days later, his wife looks at him and says, "What are you gonna do with that thing? There's no water deep enough to float a boat within 160 Kms of here!"
He replies, "I won it and I'm gonna keep it!"
Several days later his brother came over to visit. He walks in the door & asks his sister-in-law where his brother is.
She replies indignantly, "He's out there in his tinnie", pointing a finger to the paddock behind the house.
The brother wanders out behind the house & shed and stops at the fence. He sees his brother in the middle of a paddock sitting in the tinnie holding a fishing rod in his hand...He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishing! What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"
To which his brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Queensland a bad name, making everybody think we're stupid...
...if only I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse!"
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" "Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
An eight year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, "What are you doing, father?"
"It's called masturbating,” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why, father?" asked the boy.
"Because my wrist is killing me,” the priest replied.
^^^ So wrong but funny. The red-thumber mustn't have read about your knowledge on the subject.
(Not a joke but relates to japies joke)
I did some work for a church a while back and was commenting on the excessive height of the fence between the church and school (about 5m ht). The priest says (and I swear this is true!)
"It was probably made that high to keep the kids out of the church grounds...or maybe to keep the priests out of the school grounds"
He then added (with a wry smile) "I think it's that height to keep stray balls from going over the fence, which reaffirms my previous comment".
...for those who haven't seen it,
- reminded me of this from the funny images thread.
My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.............
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you xxx."
I replied........"I am having a ****. What should I do?"
My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!".
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied -
"So now you want me to stay?
