Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag.
So, every morning I shout,
'Two sugars, fat arse!'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5.. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “Well no! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five fack in' times.”
Why Men Have Better Friends
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10
best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that
he was still there.
A police officer stops a man for failing to stop at a stop sign and the subject gives the police officer a lot of grief explaining why he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The police officer asked the subject to step out of the vehicle and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him “Can you burn me a copy”
That was when the trouble started….
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland.. One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the "FRIDGE" last night..... Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
A look back on 2012
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.
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7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
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A reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in last year's riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty runs out soon.
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"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!
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2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They're both in hospital... one's in a korma…
the other's got a dodgy tikka!
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The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!
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In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on.
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Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
An RAAF C17 was flying a routine flight Amberley – Darwin when a rather pesky F18 out of Tindal formed up on his Stbd wing.
The fighter jockey was making a bloody nuisance of himself, streaking ahead, barrel rolling and generally flying rings around the lumbering transport. The F18s pilot called up the C17 crew and stated, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The C17 crew put up with his antics for a while then radioed back to him “Bet you can't”.
“Bet I can” replied the fighter pilot.
“Cop this then” said the C17 pilot, and continued to fly straight and level, after a couple of minutes the fighter pilot called in “I'm waiting”.
The C17 pilot replied.......”So am I arseh**e, I just shut down TWO @#$#@ ENGINES”.
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers... and the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
Tom decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One
evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some shell reloads for
an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench.
After along period of silence she finally speaks.
Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time
you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't.“
I think people should show Lance Armstrong a bit more respect - what he did is a lot harder than it sounds.
I tried riding my bike on drugs once and kept falling off. But Lance hardly ever even wobbled.
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
The Tax System explained In Beer
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like thisc
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, thatfs what they decided to do..
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. gSince you are all such good customers,h he said, gIfm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybodyfs share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each manfs bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
gI only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,h declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,hbut he got $10!h
gYeah, thatfs right,h exclaimed the fifth man. gI only saved a dollar too. Itfs unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!h
gThatfs true!h shouted the seventh man gWhy should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!h
gWait a minute,h yelled the first four men in unison, gwe didnft get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!h
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didnft show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didnft have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.
The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, “I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.”
Second guy says, “I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, “Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!”
A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chilli." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chilli is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chilli and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chilli back into the bowl. The other man says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pi$$ in your eye."
A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.
When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."
When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.
The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"
The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"
The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."
The man asked him how they tasted.
The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
The lawyer stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?" the lawyer yelled at the judge.
The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the lawyer's rude treatment, roared, "Fifty dollars....contempt of court. That's why!"
Upon noticing the lawyer was checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay the fine right now."
The lawyer replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough to say three more words."
Three blokes were walking along a deserted beach, an Aussie, a Kiwi
and a Yank.
The Aussie and the Kiwi came across a naked bloke out like a light
on the beach. The bloke was lying there with a huge erection.
The Kiwi, being a gentleman, took off his hat and place it over the
huge erect cock.
The Yank walked up and picked up the Kiwi's hat and exclaimed,
"My God -- what a big prick!!"
To which the Aussie replied, "Well mate, what else would you expect
to find under a Kiwi's hat?"
David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to
show him a trick.
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."
"OK", says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts
****ing her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says,
"That isn't a trick!!!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies,
"I know, it's ****ing magic."
A couple were celebrating their 9th wedding anniversary one night, & decided to continue in the bedroom. But before they started, the wife said, honey what did you think when you first saw me naked?
The man replied I wanted to f#?k your brains out & suck your tits dry.The wife then said what do you think now when you see me naked?
He replied, it looks like I did a pretty good Job!!
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.
North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"...
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and
only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his
situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model
Ford ute," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest
woman you can find, and buy yourselves a house in South Hedland."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow **** and dives down
toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is
this stool taken?"
Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say, " Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Norma always replied, " I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Norma replied, "Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks"
The pilot overheard the couple and said, " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "
Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
