Little Johnny was only six years old when he tried to feel his
sister's friend's pussy.
She slapped him and said not to because it has teeth and will bite.
As the years passed, and little Johnny one day grew to become a
man, he was sitting in his car with his girlfriend, rubbing her thighs
and squeezing her tits, when she said, "Aren't you going to feel my pussy?"
He said, "I can't, its got teeth!"
"Don't be a fool," she said, "have a look if you don't believe me."
So he thought about it, then took off her panties and spread her legs. He
looked in and said, "I'm not surprised you haven't got any teeth with gums
like that!"
There was an Aussie, a Scotsman and an Aborigine driving along, when they
rolled the car and the three of them got killed. They went to Heaven and met
St Peter at the Pearly Gates. They explained that they'd been killed and needed
a place to stay.
St Peter replied, "I'd love to help you boys but we're full up after the holiday season.
I'm afraid you'll have to go into Limbo till there's a vacancy."
The Aussie slipped St Pete $50 and asked if that'd make any difference.
St Peter said, "For that mate, you can go back to Earth."
By the time the Aussie got back, there were police everywhere and an ambulance.
They all got a real shock when he sat up.
"What happened? You've been dead for half and hour," asked the ambulance driver.
He told them about St Peter and the $50, so the ambulance driver asked why the other
two didn't come back.
"Well," says the Aussie, "the Scotsman's trying to bargain him down to $20 and the
Abo reckons the government should pay for it!"
A woman goes into a bar and orders a beer. She grabs the beer and tips it down
the back of her skirt. The barman looks amazed as she orders another and again
tips it down her skirt.
Finally, the barman says: "Why are you tipping your drinks down your skirt?"
"Well," the chick replies, "I've just won the lotto and this is the only arsehole
I'm shouting!"
“I got married”, said the first tavern regular, “so that I could have sex 3, 4, or 5 times a week.”
“That's very ironic”, said the second regular. “That's exactly why I got divorced.”
A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.
When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because
he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'
Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The
other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice.'
A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several
places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
A little boy was on the footpath, playing with ****.
A postman rode up and asked him what he was doing.
"I'm making a postman!" the kid declared.
Then a little old lady came up and asked him what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm making a little old lady!"
The old lady was so disgusted that she went to the local cop shop
and reported the little boy.
A short while later, a big policeman strolled down and approached the boy.
"G'day, little fella," he said. I know what you're doing - your making a policeman."
The little boy looked up at the cop and smiled.
"**** off!" he said. "I ain't got enough **** for that!"
This bloke walks into a bar and orders a double scotch. After the bartender hands
him the drink, he pours it down in one gulp and says, "Give me another."
The bartender says, "Hey mate, what are you celebrating?" and the guy says,
"My first headjob."
"All right!" says the bartender. "Have this one on the house." The guy says, "Keep
'em coming, I've just got to get this taste out of my mouth!"
Did you hear about the Pom who came out here, married an Australian
prostitute and dragged her down to his level?
A prostitute had a slow night and decided to catch a cab home. When she got
to the destination she told the cabbie she had no money, then she lifted her skirt
and said, "Take it outta that".
The cabbie turned around and said to the pro, "Haven't you got anything smaller?"
"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" she said looking lovingly
into her husbands eyes.
"I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."
The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as
Australian citizens.
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are Australian citizens at last! Do
you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I
get on top!"
On their 25th anniversary, a bloke took his wife on a second honeymoon to the
same place as their first. Same motel, same room as on their wedding night.
When they checked in, his wife said, "Oh honey, it'll be just like when we got married!"
"Yeah," said the bloke. "Except this time, it'll be me sitting on the edge of the bed,
screaming', it's too big, it's too big!'"
Two upper class Pommy brothers, one very hard of hearing, were having a quiet
drink in a Chelsea pub where a drunken loud-mouthed Aussie was regaling the
bar with his opinions.
"What a place England is. Free and open and as friendly as buggery," said the Australian.
"What did he say?" asked the hard-of-hearing brother.
"He said he likes England," said the other.
"And Pommy women are fantastic," said the Aussie very loudly. 'They're terrific sports,
do anything in bed, ****in' great."
"What was that?" asked brother number 1.
"He says he likes English women."
The Aussie continued, "And last night I picked up a brassy old broad who took me home
and ****ed me stupid all night. Gee, she knew some tricks. The silly old bitch. What a ****!"
"What did he say?" asked the deafish bastard.
"He said he'd met Mother."
There were these two guys lost in the desert. Both were starving and near death
when they came across a dead rabbit. One of them started to eat it and asked the
other guy if he wanted some. He refused because he was sure he'd get something
better, as the carcass was rotten. So, off they went in search of civilization, when
a while later the bloke who ate the rabbit began to vomit, to which the other guy said,
"See, I knew I'd get a hot meal sooner or later."
A man was complaining to a friend.
"I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car,
the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out."
Is it proper for one man to profit from the mistakes of another?"
a bloke asked his minister.
"Definitely not," was the clergyman's answer.
"Are you certain?"
"Absolutely!"
"In that case," said the guy, "would you mind returning the $50
I gave you after my wedding last year?"
An Australian man is seeking to join the Australian Federal Police.
The Sergeant conducting the interview says: "Your qualifications
all look good, but there is an Attitude Suitability Test that you
must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this
pistol, and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers,
six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?", asked the man.
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said “Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?”
The doctor replied “Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?”
The patient's friend replied “She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?”
“Well,” said the doctor, “if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!”
Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.
So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the ping-pong balls up to her.
She aksked, "Alright, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Johnny said, "Eddie Murphy, see you Tuesday."
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.
Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from
a monkey?"
The mother replied, "I don't know, son, I never met your father's
family."
Two old men suffering from long term memory loss were sitting on the steps of
the old-age home when an ice cream van drove past.
"Gee," said the first old codger. "I'd love an ice cream right now."
"Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old bloke.
"Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back. "You'd forget my order straight away."
"No I wouldn't," replied the second."
"All right, then," said his mate. "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and choc chips,
and a cherry on top."
The second old bloke repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later he walked
back carrying two meat pies.
The first old bloke looked at the pies in disgust then yelled, "I knew I should've gone
myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"
Two blokes were walking along a road in Queensland when they were struck by
a police car driven by a drunken cop.
One bloke was thrown through the windscreen and his mate was knocked down
an embankment.
The first bloke was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving
the scene of an accident.
SIMPLE TRUTH #1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH #2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say,
"Congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."
THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a
Cadillac than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a$$-hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember
you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
AND A BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one
when he was shot by the woman's husband!
The church service was underway and they passed the collection plate.
When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced, “Whoever put the $100.00 bill in the plate, please stand up.”
A gay man stood up and said, “I did.”
The preacher told him, “Since you put that money in the plate, I would like to let you pick out three hymns.”
Excitedly, the gay guy said, “Well, I'll take him and him and him!”
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: Three 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So one 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your f***ing Ferrari then?
A blonde keeps having the same weird dream, so she goes to her psychologist.
Psychologist: "What is your dream about?"
Blonde: "I am being chased by a vampire..."
Psychologist: "So, where are you in this dream?"
Blonde: "I am running in a hallway."
Psychologist: "Then what happens?"
Blonde: "Well, that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to a door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it won't budge!"
Psychologist: "Does the door have any letters on it?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Psychologist: "And what do these letter spell?"
Blonde: "P-U-L-L."
Alaska Retirement
Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
